A moment.
I was among the many that greeted Sho at YVR on the morning of the 12th.
Instead of going into what happened, I want to say what I was experiencing.
For almost seven years, my life has been centered around this group Arashi. My fourteenth summer marked a great pivotal point in my life, and I have never regretted it. This group of five men have kept me sane by making me insane. For years I longed to just see them...breathe before my eyes and wonder at their presence. I have a relationship with them in my head, they keep me buoyant when my life is in turmoil. They have kept me from the clutches of the darker periods of adolescence, and provided a cure for any ailment of the mind. I woke up at 6:00am before school to check up on any news and be the first to download any new videos. All through these crazy habits I've obtained through the obsession of them, I have learned commitment, motivation and gratitude. They became my identity, a persona I shared with them, people knew me by them and I was proud of it. They gave me friends for life, Vicky, Nermie, Lola, and Na-chan. There was a tight knit community of fans...who all cared and respected one another, and were bound by this single thread of love for these amazing people. My love for them got to a point where I didn't need a new community, I was comfortable within this circle and didn't see the need to prove myself to new fans or old ones. There's a part of fangirling I hate, I always felt there was a competition between them, as if who could outlove the other. So I withdrew from the forums, the blogs, the websites and cherished my passion for Arashi on my own, loved them on my own. No competition, no stigma.
For the first time in all my fandom years, an Arashi member was coming to where I lived. After so many incidents of watching them go to Taiwan, the States. One of them was coming here, a place where hardly anyone comes. One of my dreams was about to come true. I chose to go by myself...I needed to go by myself. This was too personal, too important for me to experience with someone else. This was a something I needed to feel. Something I wanted to be at a loss of words for without feeling the need to turn to a companion to voice whatever I was feeling.
He came...like a distraction in grey. I cannot put into words the euphoria that circled my stomach. I was shaking. I was stumbling. I was numb. That handsome face I have come to recognize after so many years. My eyes sought for everything that was familiar, grabbing at every detail, every eyelash, every curve of his jawline. I did not scream, I merely memorized what was so familiar, yet something I have never laid eyes on before.
Then it was over. He was gone, and I was left with the explosion in my chest. People scattered, everyone resumed their normal composure, their everyday self. I walked around in a daze. My feet sought somewhere to sit, my mind sought further exercise. I found a bench, and after a few minutes of staring at nothing, I began to breathe shallowly, and the tears came but did not fall.
I may write words of obnoxious ecstasy on my msn and facebook. But today was a personal and profound experience for me. Not to be described with simple exclamation marks and capitalized letters. Today marked a great moment in my pitiful life. I never truly realized how wonderful it is to be a fan.
I'm reminded of a quote from "Almost Famous"
"They don't even know what it is to be a fan, you know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts."
Instead of going into what happened, I want to say what I was experiencing.
For almost seven years, my life has been centered around this group Arashi. My fourteenth summer marked a great pivotal point in my life, and I have never regretted it. This group of five men have kept me sane by making me insane. For years I longed to just see them...breathe before my eyes and wonder at their presence. I have a relationship with them in my head, they keep me buoyant when my life is in turmoil. They have kept me from the clutches of the darker periods of adolescence, and provided a cure for any ailment of the mind. I woke up at 6:00am before school to check up on any news and be the first to download any new videos. All through these crazy habits I've obtained through the obsession of them, I have learned commitment, motivation and gratitude. They became my identity, a persona I shared with them, people knew me by them and I was proud of it. They gave me friends for life, Vicky, Nermie, Lola, and Na-chan. There was a tight knit community of fans...who all cared and respected one another, and were bound by this single thread of love for these amazing people. My love for them got to a point where I didn't need a new community, I was comfortable within this circle and didn't see the need to prove myself to new fans or old ones. There's a part of fangirling I hate, I always felt there was a competition between them, as if who could outlove the other. So I withdrew from the forums, the blogs, the websites and cherished my passion for Arashi on my own, loved them on my own. No competition, no stigma.
For the first time in all my fandom years, an Arashi member was coming to where I lived. After so many incidents of watching them go to Taiwan, the States. One of them was coming here, a place where hardly anyone comes. One of my dreams was about to come true. I chose to go by myself...I needed to go by myself. This was too personal, too important for me to experience with someone else. This was a something I needed to feel. Something I wanted to be at a loss of words for without feeling the need to turn to a companion to voice whatever I was feeling.
He came...like a distraction in grey. I cannot put into words the euphoria that circled my stomach. I was shaking. I was stumbling. I was numb. That handsome face I have come to recognize after so many years. My eyes sought for everything that was familiar, grabbing at every detail, every eyelash, every curve of his jawline. I did not scream, I merely memorized what was so familiar, yet something I have never laid eyes on before.
Then it was over. He was gone, and I was left with the explosion in my chest. People scattered, everyone resumed their normal composure, their everyday self. I walked around in a daze. My feet sought somewhere to sit, my mind sought further exercise. I found a bench, and after a few minutes of staring at nothing, I began to breathe shallowly, and the tears came but did not fall.
I may write words of obnoxious ecstasy on my msn and facebook. But today was a personal and profound experience for me. Not to be described with simple exclamation marks and capitalized letters. Today marked a great moment in my pitiful life. I never truly realized how wonderful it is to be a fan.
I'm reminded of a quote from "Almost Famous"
"They don't even know what it is to be a fan, you know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts."