[fic] Scut Hamsters (chapter 15)
Title: Scut Hamsters
Pairing: Jaemin, Jaechun
Rating: PG-13 to R
Warning: a little bit WTFs in the latter chapters
Summary: Just another campus life story
chapter 15
He gave me his jacket and led me a little too carefully along the way to the cab. We went home as total mutes afterward. I told him nothing about what had happened, not even a word, guess I didn't want to talk about it just as much as he didn't want to hear it.
It was 3am when we arrived at the dorm. The gate was supposed to be locked at that time but somehow Changmin had the key - I didn't know how he did it and didn't ask about it either.
As I said, we were both wordless.
I knew I supposed to wail gratitude for all those troubles he had gone through, especially when his forensic finals were just few hours to go. But I couldn't bring myself to lay my eyes on him, let alone thanking him.
".... Can I take off your clothes?" he asked, reluctant.
Still my heart almost leaped through my mouth. Luckily the sane part of me managed to refrain from being ridiculous; he was just going to treat the wounds, what's so hard about being topless in front of him anyway? Even being completely naked was already so casual for us.
I wouldn't lie, I was still trembling. Even though I had always accustomed with sex that causes pain and leaves damages, the fact that a psycho did it with my life on the stake gave a contrast difference.
However, shamefully, as Changmin sat by my side on the bed and carefully slid the shirt pass my shoulders, I started to wonder what actually the cause of that tremble. Was it the dreadful memory of Siwon violating me, the feel of his disgusting touch, or...?
Maybe all of them. I really had no clue.
I couldn't look further than the band aid Changmin was holding. It was bearable when only the cold antiseptic liquid made contact with my skin, but when it was his hand I felt a wave of electric current struck me to the bone. I flinched involuntarily, causing him to stop, surprised at my reaction.
After some milliseconds he smiled thinly.
That’s bad since it dragged my sight to his lips. And I couldn’t tear my gaze away, as he subconsciously parted them while concentrating on treating my wounds. It lingered, how those intriguing texture tasted, the way they enveloped, how warm and persistent and forceful they were, even the pain they caused. I blocked my mind to continue remembering or else I’d explode right at the moment.
"...It's still hurt, isn't it?” He cleaned the wound in a more gentle way as if he hadn’t done it gentle enough.
I knew he didn’t mean the kiss but the answer was yes.
The kiss was hurtful, so yes, it hurts, not to mention the bone crushing hug. It hurts. That’s all I could say.
"I can take care of myself." I blurted out as a pathetic attempt to escape his sight.
“I know, just let me do it too…”
And his answer didn’t do any good to my composure.
I just needed a bloody escape. “I… I want to take a shower…”
"Wait..." He hurried to the bathroom ahead of me. Soon rustling sound was heard and steam floated up; I noticed he was filling a basin with warm water.
I stood by the door, awkward, not sure of what to do.
"Don’t go shower now, Hyung… the wounds haven't dried yet..." He lathered a towel glove, rinsed it and again looked hesitate.
My face got warmer realizing that he was offering a help to wash me.
“I-I’ll do it by myself, okay!?” I didn't mean to snap but maybe that was how I sounded, considering a guilt that crossed his face and how he rushed to step out of the bathroom. I quickly cursed myself. "I mean... you'll have finals in few hours, right? You should sleep."
Even then I couldn't make myself believable enough by looking at him in the eyes. So I closed the door to cut the awkwardness off.
….and disregarding his advice to not shower. Can't help it, I felt so tainted, lukewarm water alone couldn't erase the dirt Siwon left.
I needed a hard brush and heavy flow of water. Maybe the pain of wounds met soap could give some senses to my head.
People kiss casually. It doesn't mean anything. It's special for me doesn't mean it's special for him too. See, Yoochun kissed me for like hundreds of time yet he rejected me in the end.
It's just a panic attack.
Registering that trail of thought, I brushed and brushed and brushed myself hard, to the point where another bruise might occur. Various thoughts clash inside my mind, I even thought that I had tainted Changmin by letting him landed his skin on the places tainted by Siwon.
"Hyung, don't take too long..." I heard he knocked the door. I realized I had been too long in the shower.
I finished and stepped out of the shower with my bathrobe. He didn't comment on how I had ignored his advice and just grabbed a gauze kit he hadn't got a chance to use earlier.
"It's okay, I'll do it by myself." I snatched the box from him. "Y-you better sleep now. Change your clothes, turn around... Anything. Just sleep."
I started to concentrate on the wounds. They didn’t really pierce the skin completely so I guessed they’d heal soon. However seeing the ugly bluish bite marks Siwon had left made me feel itchy and nauseous that suddenly I need another shower.
“Hyung, stop it…” Changmin strode faster and blocked the bathroom door.
“Changmin… I’m still dirty.”
“You’re not. Come here…”
He took my hand and seated me on my bed, then fumbled something inside his table's drawer. Soon he came up with a strip of children band aid, the ones with colors and pictures of animals -elephant, frog, dog and so on. I didn’t know how the hell he had that thing.
He placed them to cover the new bite marks -the ones he knew weren’t caused by him -the ones on my arms, collarbone and chest. I blushed and he smiled.
“…do you want me to sleep with you here?”
I blushed more miserably. “No, I’m okay… just go to sleep, will you? I can do this by myself.”
"I see... just... wake me up if you need anything, okay?"
I heard his voice quivered, but probably it was just the irregular heartbeats interfered my hearings.
*
*
Seeing him as the first thing in the morning has never been such a big deal, especially when he wakes me up almost everyday.
It was the usual way he woke me up, by caressing my cheek with the back of his fingers and smiled goofily when I shot him an annoyed look; but this time there’s no such look, instead I gasped and retreated several inches. I was too paranoid that he'd notice the raising temperature of my face, or heard something embarrassing I wasn't supposed to say in my sleep, or… I don’t know basically I wasn’t ready to see him.
"Hyung, it's just me..." he says after a moment of silence.
"Ah... Yah... eh you're not having finals?"
"I'm finished. It was okay." He informs with a smile - which I can only see in a glimpse from the corner of my eyes. “Are you feeling better?”
I nod. I didn't notice it isn't as morning as I thought.
Then he tells me, it's a big buzz in campus that polices are after Siwon. Not because of my case, but because they have found some evidences related to Ryeowook and Kyuhyun. I guess I'm saved by coincidence.
Siwon is a psycho but surprisingly he's not that experienced of a criminal. Reporting my case would help the investigators with more evidences and weigh Siwon's punishment.
"But I guess you prefer not to dig it up again." He says, as if reading my mind.
"Yeah... I just want to forget everything."
"I see..."
He takes a spot on my bed and shifts closer to me. I think he wants to say something.
But air suddenly gets thin.
"I'll... wash my face." I dash to the bathroom. Obviously unnatural.
In front of the mirror, staring hatefully at my miserable reflection, I lash sequences of curse and chant, 'You're not a teenage girl for God sake stop being so lame'' and inhale a long long long breath.
Finally I step out from the bathroom, trying to act more.... reasonable and less obnoxious.
He's still on my bed. So I sit on his bed.
"Hyung, is it..." He looks down and plays with his fingers.
My heart again is attempting to jump through my mouth. I'm not ready to talk about that. Not about that. No no no no not about that.
"Is it because of the kiss...?" he asks finally.
All hell breaks loose.
"What are you talking about!!??"
"I... I'm really sorry, Hyung... I-I was rude, I shouldn't have... done it like that, I mean-"
“Let’s just forget about it, okay!?”
I pause talking. Again my tone isn’t cooperative; I don’t mean to scold him or cause that looks in his eyes. I need time to sort my mind so I can talk about this better, but the topic emerges too soon.
I take a deep breath. “Listen, Changmin-ah.. you saved me, okay? I thank you for that, and... and... how to say this... we... we have sex, we're not kids, so normally we kiss… it's just that simple.”
"But… it's not a simple thing for you."
No no no no him blaming himself because of my stupidity is the last thing I want now. "It’s just because I’m weird, but well… I’m not mad, okay? I mean, even if I hated it I wouldn't just mad like some kids, we're not kids...."
Did I just say I hated it?
No no I mean 'even if I hated it I wouldn't mad', in this case 'I didn't hate it, so I wouldn't mad at all', am I making any sense here?
I didn't hate it. I don’t know how I felt, whether I liked it or not, but definitely not hate or dislike or disgust, definitely not.
“Then… ….can you look at me? please…?” He said, almost a plea. I feel my heart cracks.
Too painful that my eyes sting. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t look at him, not his eyes, I’m afraid of what I might find there. Or maybe I’m more afraid of what he might find in mine.
“ I know you’re not mad, Hyung… when you're mad you’ll glare at me, yell at me or throw something to my head, but now you don’t even want to look at me…”
I freeze, unable to find a way to respond to his undeniable statement. As if it’s not enough, his next question freezes me worse than I already am.
“Is it because… you feel bad? You feel bad because you kissed someone you don’t love…?”
“… Changmin-ah….”
Tock tock tock tock
Saved by the bell. Well, not really the bell, but someone knocks the door and I can take advantage of the interruption to think. Think hard.
“I-I’ll go get it…” I make my sprint to the door and open it hastily.
Apparently the guest doesn’t give much time for me to see him properly; he already pulls me into a tight hug.
“Oh Jae, I miss you!!”
And he kisses me.
My brain isn’t in the good state to function fast, however he already barges into the room with arms around me and kisses me for the second time, chaste on my lips, and longer at the third time.
“Y-Y-Y-Yo-yo-yoochun!!!!????” I blink. His complexion is still as milky as ever. His hair gets a bit longer. It’s really Yoochun. But I don’t jump on him like I thought I would.
“I miss you so much, pretty… oops!!” He quickly releases me when noticing Changmin in the same room, seeing us, seeing the kiss.
Crap.
Crap.
Crap.
“Sorry...!!” Yoochun rubs the back of his head uneasily. “I forgot Jae has a new roommate… he never told me…”
“It’s okay…” Changmin nods, smiling.
I quickly drag Yoochun out of the room and halt outside, slam the door and face him with arms crossed, feet tapping to the floor anxiously. This is Yoochun in front of me. The man that I love. The man of my dream.
“God, Chunnie…” I hug him, I miss him after all. “You know what? Never once in my life I hate you like I do now.”
He drops his jaw and releases me. “Eehhh???”
I massage my temple, trying to make my volume low. “Uh… it’s… complicated, I don’t know… Chunnie, you just….stupid… okay, I’m screwed.”
“I don’t understand but I missed an event, aren’t I.”
I guess if it’s Yoochun, I can talk about it. He has known me for so long that he understands me; sometimes he knows what words to express my feeling better than I do. After few seconds of ‘Hmmm’, I make up my mind. Tomorrow is weekend. Yoochun doesn’t need to be here until Monday, which means I can flee to his house. He’s in the same boat as mine, a Seoul boy who needs dorm to be free from some situations.
“You’re not planning to move in like, now, right?” I ask.
“Well I left my things in my house, and anyway, you sure it’s polite to just ask that boy to move? Changmin, isn’t he?”
“We’ll talk about it later, for now I just need an escape to sort some minds out, oh Gosh.”
I return to the room in a hurry and pick some things from the closet without looking at Changmin. After this, I’ll talk about everything. Whatever that ‘everything’ is all about. If I force myself to talk now I’ll just splutter confusing words in an unpleasant tone, it will only cause misunderstandings.
“Changmin-ah… I’m going to stay in Yoochun’s house till Monday, okay?”
I don’t hear his answer quite well but I guess it’s around ‘Okay’ and ‘Have fun’.
*
*
Yoochun and I end up securely inside his room, sitting on the carpet face to face. With a cup of coffee he leans against the bed’s legs and waits patiently for me to spill out the issues while I’m planting my head deep into the bag on my lap, being useless.
I can’t tell him about Siwon. Well maybe one day, but now it’ll only add complication for all these troubles. The fact that polices had gone after him already makes me feel a bit save, at least. And I don’t want to review that horrible night.
I never told Yoochun how a kiss means to me. I never told Yoochun anything about Changmin either.
So, how do I start?
“Chunnie, I miss you so much…” I mumble against my bag.
“That’s the fourth time you say that.” He takes a sip of his coffee. “But this is not about me, right?”
“How do you know…?”
“I know you.”
I groan in frustration and ruffle my own hair. “Ugh… I don’t know how to start.”
“Take your time.” He says. “If in five minutes you still don’t know how to start I’ll help you.”
I lift my head from my lap. “Help me now, then!”
“Okay.” He clears his throat. “Kiss me.”
“Chunnie, I’m serious.”
“Believe me, I’m also serious.” He put his cup next to him and shifts forward to close the distance between us before leaning on me.
“Yah, what are you doing!?”
“Why? We haven’t done this for quite a while…”
“You’re going to jump on me in my state like this!?”
Grinning, he circles his arms around my waist, flattens me against the carpet with him on top and captures my lips with his. Since it’s Yoochun I’m not trained nor have such reflex to dodge him in any way, not even in my most traumatic state, not even when my body is still hurt from the bruises and wounds. Yoochun is probably the creature I consider safest in the world.
However I find my hand lightly gives three times of shoo-ing slaps on the side of his face right when his tongue slips. He stops kissing me.
I sigh and puff my cheeks, still under him with hands clinging onto his back.
“I get it.” He says.
I frown. “What do you get?”
“That you should go to his place and tell him you love him whoever he is.”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!??” I slap his face, this time hard, and roll to one side to be free from his weight.
“Well… that cute elephant band aid on your neck… I’m not sure you’d place it by yourself.” He feigns seriousness while massaging his almost swollen cheek. “You hate kiddy band aid. When I bought that thing for you a year ago you whined about it ruining your elegant image and refused to use it, but now you have no problem going out with it sticking in such visible place as your neck, so I assume-“
“Okay okay okay, enough!!” I throw a cushion to his direction. His face remains half stoic half amused even after the cushion lands on it.
“I love you, Chunnie…”
“I know, I love you too…” He pauses for a while and again leans forward to kiss me. I move my head aside and hug him instead. He kisses my cheek, drags his mouth to mine but again I dodge and land my face on his shoulder.
I sigh. He chuckles and pats my back.
“Who is he?” He asks while letting my arms stay around his neck.
“Do you really think a feeling can change that easily?” I duck out from the question.
“Well… not easily, but it’s something no one can explain. I mean… how it changes and doesn’t change is unexplainable.”
I break free from the hug and position myself, lying on my back with his thighs as pillow like how I often did. He extends his legs to give me the needed space.
Staring at the ceiling, I guess a random trivia. “You have someone you love, right.”
“Yeah…” He strokes my hair. “We’ve been friends since we were kids. I have no hope, though.”
I pout, kind of surprise with the confession, but somehow it doesn’t hurt me like I thought it would. “Really? I’m jealous.”
“Why? You have a round-eyed cutie waiting for you in the dorm.”
I jump awake at his ever-so-correct random guessing, staring at him with mouth gap, eyes wide, while he smiles with the unspoken sentence of ‘So I’m right, huh’
“How….!!??
“Well, you don’t care about people unless you have access to be close to them literally, and you looked panic when I kissed you in front of him this afternoon, and-“
“Okay okay, enough!” I return to my previous comfortable position on his lap, rather pissed off when he reads me like that. “I really don’t know how to face him. I become idiot.”
“Well, honestly you’re not making things better by leaving him abruptly like that, I mean… with a guy who had just kissed you right in front of his nose? He might have misunderstood.”
“Maybe he didn’t care, I’m not sure he thinks of me the way we’re talking about. For your information, he’s everybody’s person. He acts nice to practically everyone.”
Yoochun shrugs. “You’re not sure. Then go to make sure.”
I snort. “I’m not ready for the second rejection.”
“Aww Jaesmine….” Laughing, he drops his head onto me, causing me to winch as he nuzzles the wounds in my chest unintentionally. “I’ll buy you cococheese everyday for a month…” He coaxes.
Asereje, reje, reje, reje, reje……….
“What’s with the ringtone??” He blurts out.
I glare and shout a ‘Ssshh’ while Yoochun cackles with hands on the tummy and whispers ‘This is 21st century….’
The caller ID is ‘Wannabe Mexican’ a.k.a you know who. I frown. He does send me teasing text messages once in a while but he rarely calls me.
“Hello…?” I pick up the phone.
“………joong…!?”
It’s so noisy with people’s ruckus across the line, I can’t hear him clearly. One thing I’m sure, he sounds panic.
“Junsu? I can’t hear you!”
“Jae………. here……………… can’t……… min…. t…. self…”
“Junsu, it’s so noisy there, I can’t hear you!”
“…… min….. he…..”
He hangs up the phone.
“Is it Junsu?” Yoochun asks .
“Yeah but I can’t-oh, he sends me a message.”
I read the newly received message.
It’s only three words, but enough to make my blood flow stops. The cell phone slides from my hand.
“…….I can’t…. I can’t believe this…”
“Jae…? What’s wrong…!?”
Trembling all over, I rush to get my bag, tears start leaking from my eyes.
“Chunnie, I…. I… I should go back….”
I can’t believe this.
He’s different from them. He’s smart, he’s tough. He may look like that but he’s tough. I can’t believe this.
[to be continued]
A/N: ……………………………….*run from the bricks*
Pairing: Jaemin, Jaechun
Rating: PG-13 to R
Warning: a little bit WTFs in the latter chapters
Summary: Just another campus life story
chapter 15
He gave me his jacket and led me a little too carefully along the way to the cab. We went home as total mutes afterward. I told him nothing about what had happened, not even a word, guess I didn't want to talk about it just as much as he didn't want to hear it.
It was 3am when we arrived at the dorm. The gate was supposed to be locked at that time but somehow Changmin had the key - I didn't know how he did it and didn't ask about it either.
As I said, we were both wordless.
I knew I supposed to wail gratitude for all those troubles he had gone through, especially when his forensic finals were just few hours to go. But I couldn't bring myself to lay my eyes on him, let alone thanking him.
".... Can I take off your clothes?" he asked, reluctant.
Still my heart almost leaped through my mouth. Luckily the sane part of me managed to refrain from being ridiculous; he was just going to treat the wounds, what's so hard about being topless in front of him anyway? Even being completely naked was already so casual for us.
I wouldn't lie, I was still trembling. Even though I had always accustomed with sex that causes pain and leaves damages, the fact that a psycho did it with my life on the stake gave a contrast difference.
However, shamefully, as Changmin sat by my side on the bed and carefully slid the shirt pass my shoulders, I started to wonder what actually the cause of that tremble. Was it the dreadful memory of Siwon violating me, the feel of his disgusting touch, or...?
Maybe all of them. I really had no clue.
I couldn't look further than the band aid Changmin was holding. It was bearable when only the cold antiseptic liquid made contact with my skin, but when it was his hand I felt a wave of electric current struck me to the bone. I flinched involuntarily, causing him to stop, surprised at my reaction.
After some milliseconds he smiled thinly.
That’s bad since it dragged my sight to his lips. And I couldn’t tear my gaze away, as he subconsciously parted them while concentrating on treating my wounds. It lingered, how those intriguing texture tasted, the way they enveloped, how warm and persistent and forceful they were, even the pain they caused. I blocked my mind to continue remembering or else I’d explode right at the moment.
"...It's still hurt, isn't it?” He cleaned the wound in a more gentle way as if he hadn’t done it gentle enough.
I knew he didn’t mean the kiss but the answer was yes.
The kiss was hurtful, so yes, it hurts, not to mention the bone crushing hug. It hurts. That’s all I could say.
"I can take care of myself." I blurted out as a pathetic attempt to escape his sight.
“I know, just let me do it too…”
And his answer didn’t do any good to my composure.
I just needed a bloody escape. “I… I want to take a shower…”
"Wait..." He hurried to the bathroom ahead of me. Soon rustling sound was heard and steam floated up; I noticed he was filling a basin with warm water.
I stood by the door, awkward, not sure of what to do.
"Don’t go shower now, Hyung… the wounds haven't dried yet..." He lathered a towel glove, rinsed it and again looked hesitate.
My face got warmer realizing that he was offering a help to wash me.
“I-I’ll do it by myself, okay!?” I didn't mean to snap but maybe that was how I sounded, considering a guilt that crossed his face and how he rushed to step out of the bathroom. I quickly cursed myself. "I mean... you'll have finals in few hours, right? You should sleep."
Even then I couldn't make myself believable enough by looking at him in the eyes. So I closed the door to cut the awkwardness off.
….and disregarding his advice to not shower. Can't help it, I felt so tainted, lukewarm water alone couldn't erase the dirt Siwon left.
I needed a hard brush and heavy flow of water. Maybe the pain of wounds met soap could give some senses to my head.
People kiss casually. It doesn't mean anything. It's special for me doesn't mean it's special for him too. See, Yoochun kissed me for like hundreds of time yet he rejected me in the end.
It's just a panic attack.
Registering that trail of thought, I brushed and brushed and brushed myself hard, to the point where another bruise might occur. Various thoughts clash inside my mind, I even thought that I had tainted Changmin by letting him landed his skin on the places tainted by Siwon.
"Hyung, don't take too long..." I heard he knocked the door. I realized I had been too long in the shower.
I finished and stepped out of the shower with my bathrobe. He didn't comment on how I had ignored his advice and just grabbed a gauze kit he hadn't got a chance to use earlier.
"It's okay, I'll do it by myself." I snatched the box from him. "Y-you better sleep now. Change your clothes, turn around... Anything. Just sleep."
I started to concentrate on the wounds. They didn’t really pierce the skin completely so I guessed they’d heal soon. However seeing the ugly bluish bite marks Siwon had left made me feel itchy and nauseous that suddenly I need another shower.
“Hyung, stop it…” Changmin strode faster and blocked the bathroom door.
“Changmin… I’m still dirty.”
“You’re not. Come here…”
He took my hand and seated me on my bed, then fumbled something inside his table's drawer. Soon he came up with a strip of children band aid, the ones with colors and pictures of animals -elephant, frog, dog and so on. I didn’t know how the hell he had that thing.
He placed them to cover the new bite marks -the ones he knew weren’t caused by him -the ones on my arms, collarbone and chest. I blushed and he smiled.
“…do you want me to sleep with you here?”
I blushed more miserably. “No, I’m okay… just go to sleep, will you? I can do this by myself.”
"I see... just... wake me up if you need anything, okay?"
I heard his voice quivered, but probably it was just the irregular heartbeats interfered my hearings.
*
*
Seeing him as the first thing in the morning has never been such a big deal, especially when he wakes me up almost everyday.
It was the usual way he woke me up, by caressing my cheek with the back of his fingers and smiled goofily when I shot him an annoyed look; but this time there’s no such look, instead I gasped and retreated several inches. I was too paranoid that he'd notice the raising temperature of my face, or heard something embarrassing I wasn't supposed to say in my sleep, or… I don’t know basically I wasn’t ready to see him.
"Hyung, it's just me..." he says after a moment of silence.
"Ah... Yah... eh you're not having finals?"
"I'm finished. It was okay." He informs with a smile - which I can only see in a glimpse from the corner of my eyes. “Are you feeling better?”
I nod. I didn't notice it isn't as morning as I thought.
Then he tells me, it's a big buzz in campus that polices are after Siwon. Not because of my case, but because they have found some evidences related to Ryeowook and Kyuhyun. I guess I'm saved by coincidence.
Siwon is a psycho but surprisingly he's not that experienced of a criminal. Reporting my case would help the investigators with more evidences and weigh Siwon's punishment.
"But I guess you prefer not to dig it up again." He says, as if reading my mind.
"Yeah... I just want to forget everything."
"I see..."
He takes a spot on my bed and shifts closer to me. I think he wants to say something.
But air suddenly gets thin.
"I'll... wash my face." I dash to the bathroom. Obviously unnatural.
In front of the mirror, staring hatefully at my miserable reflection, I lash sequences of curse and chant, 'You're not a teenage girl for God sake stop being so lame'' and inhale a long long long breath.
Finally I step out from the bathroom, trying to act more.... reasonable and less obnoxious.
He's still on my bed. So I sit on his bed.
"Hyung, is it..." He looks down and plays with his fingers.
My heart again is attempting to jump through my mouth. I'm not ready to talk about that. Not about that. No no no no not about that.
"Is it because of the kiss...?" he asks finally.
All hell breaks loose.
"What are you talking about!!??"
"I... I'm really sorry, Hyung... I-I was rude, I shouldn't have... done it like that, I mean-"
“Let’s just forget about it, okay!?”
I pause talking. Again my tone isn’t cooperative; I don’t mean to scold him or cause that looks in his eyes. I need time to sort my mind so I can talk about this better, but the topic emerges too soon.
I take a deep breath. “Listen, Changmin-ah.. you saved me, okay? I thank you for that, and... and... how to say this... we... we have sex, we're not kids, so normally we kiss… it's just that simple.”
"But… it's not a simple thing for you."
No no no no him blaming himself because of my stupidity is the last thing I want now. "It’s just because I’m weird, but well… I’m not mad, okay? I mean, even if I hated it I wouldn't just mad like some kids, we're not kids...."
Did I just say I hated it?
No no I mean 'even if I hated it I wouldn't mad', in this case 'I didn't hate it, so I wouldn't mad at all', am I making any sense here?
I didn't hate it. I don’t know how I felt, whether I liked it or not, but definitely not hate or dislike or disgust, definitely not.
“Then… ….can you look at me? please…?” He said, almost a plea. I feel my heart cracks.
Too painful that my eyes sting. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t look at him, not his eyes, I’m afraid of what I might find there. Or maybe I’m more afraid of what he might find in mine.
“ I know you’re not mad, Hyung… when you're mad you’ll glare at me, yell at me or throw something to my head, but now you don’t even want to look at me…”
I freeze, unable to find a way to respond to his undeniable statement. As if it’s not enough, his next question freezes me worse than I already am.
“Is it because… you feel bad? You feel bad because you kissed someone you don’t love…?”
“… Changmin-ah….”
Tock tock tock tock
Saved by the bell. Well, not really the bell, but someone knocks the door and I can take advantage of the interruption to think. Think hard.
“I-I’ll go get it…” I make my sprint to the door and open it hastily.
Apparently the guest doesn’t give much time for me to see him properly; he already pulls me into a tight hug.
“Oh Jae, I miss you!!”
And he kisses me.
My brain isn’t in the good state to function fast, however he already barges into the room with arms around me and kisses me for the second time, chaste on my lips, and longer at the third time.
“Y-Y-Y-Yo-yo-yoochun!!!!????” I blink. His complexion is still as milky as ever. His hair gets a bit longer. It’s really Yoochun. But I don’t jump on him like I thought I would.
“I miss you so much, pretty… oops!!” He quickly releases me when noticing Changmin in the same room, seeing us, seeing the kiss.
Crap.
Crap.
Crap.
“Sorry...!!” Yoochun rubs the back of his head uneasily. “I forgot Jae has a new roommate… he never told me…”
“It’s okay…” Changmin nods, smiling.
I quickly drag Yoochun out of the room and halt outside, slam the door and face him with arms crossed, feet tapping to the floor anxiously. This is Yoochun in front of me. The man that I love. The man of my dream.
“God, Chunnie…” I hug him, I miss him after all. “You know what? Never once in my life I hate you like I do now.”
He drops his jaw and releases me. “Eehhh???”
I massage my temple, trying to make my volume low. “Uh… it’s… complicated, I don’t know… Chunnie, you just….stupid… okay, I’m screwed.”
“I don’t understand but I missed an event, aren’t I.”
I guess if it’s Yoochun, I can talk about it. He has known me for so long that he understands me; sometimes he knows what words to express my feeling better than I do. After few seconds of ‘Hmmm’, I make up my mind. Tomorrow is weekend. Yoochun doesn’t need to be here until Monday, which means I can flee to his house. He’s in the same boat as mine, a Seoul boy who needs dorm to be free from some situations.
“You’re not planning to move in like, now, right?” I ask.
“Well I left my things in my house, and anyway, you sure it’s polite to just ask that boy to move? Changmin, isn’t he?”
“We’ll talk about it later, for now I just need an escape to sort some minds out, oh Gosh.”
I return to the room in a hurry and pick some things from the closet without looking at Changmin. After this, I’ll talk about everything. Whatever that ‘everything’ is all about. If I force myself to talk now I’ll just splutter confusing words in an unpleasant tone, it will only cause misunderstandings.
“Changmin-ah… I’m going to stay in Yoochun’s house till Monday, okay?”
I don’t hear his answer quite well but I guess it’s around ‘Okay’ and ‘Have fun’.
*
*
Yoochun and I end up securely inside his room, sitting on the carpet face to face. With a cup of coffee he leans against the bed’s legs and waits patiently for me to spill out the issues while I’m planting my head deep into the bag on my lap, being useless.
I can’t tell him about Siwon. Well maybe one day, but now it’ll only add complication for all these troubles. The fact that polices had gone after him already makes me feel a bit save, at least. And I don’t want to review that horrible night.
I never told Yoochun how a kiss means to me. I never told Yoochun anything about Changmin either.
So, how do I start?
“Chunnie, I miss you so much…” I mumble against my bag.
“That’s the fourth time you say that.” He takes a sip of his coffee. “But this is not about me, right?”
“How do you know…?”
“I know you.”
I groan in frustration and ruffle my own hair. “Ugh… I don’t know how to start.”
“Take your time.” He says. “If in five minutes you still don’t know how to start I’ll help you.”
I lift my head from my lap. “Help me now, then!”
“Okay.” He clears his throat. “Kiss me.”
“Chunnie, I’m serious.”
“Believe me, I’m also serious.” He put his cup next to him and shifts forward to close the distance between us before leaning on me.
“Yah, what are you doing!?”
“Why? We haven’t done this for quite a while…”
“You’re going to jump on me in my state like this!?”
Grinning, he circles his arms around my waist, flattens me against the carpet with him on top and captures my lips with his. Since it’s Yoochun I’m not trained nor have such reflex to dodge him in any way, not even in my most traumatic state, not even when my body is still hurt from the bruises and wounds. Yoochun is probably the creature I consider safest in the world.
However I find my hand lightly gives three times of shoo-ing slaps on the side of his face right when his tongue slips. He stops kissing me.
I sigh and puff my cheeks, still under him with hands clinging onto his back.
“I get it.” He says.
I frown. “What do you get?”
“That you should go to his place and tell him you love him whoever he is.”
“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!!??” I slap his face, this time hard, and roll to one side to be free from his weight.
“Well… that cute elephant band aid on your neck… I’m not sure you’d place it by yourself.” He feigns seriousness while massaging his almost swollen cheek. “You hate kiddy band aid. When I bought that thing for you a year ago you whined about it ruining your elegant image and refused to use it, but now you have no problem going out with it sticking in such visible place as your neck, so I assume-“
“Okay okay okay, enough!!” I throw a cushion to his direction. His face remains half stoic half amused even after the cushion lands on it.
“I love you, Chunnie…”
“I know, I love you too…” He pauses for a while and again leans forward to kiss me. I move my head aside and hug him instead. He kisses my cheek, drags his mouth to mine but again I dodge and land my face on his shoulder.
I sigh. He chuckles and pats my back.
“Who is he?” He asks while letting my arms stay around his neck.
“Do you really think a feeling can change that easily?” I duck out from the question.
“Well… not easily, but it’s something no one can explain. I mean… how it changes and doesn’t change is unexplainable.”
I break free from the hug and position myself, lying on my back with his thighs as pillow like how I often did. He extends his legs to give me the needed space.
Staring at the ceiling, I guess a random trivia. “You have someone you love, right.”
“Yeah…” He strokes my hair. “We’ve been friends since we were kids. I have no hope, though.”
I pout, kind of surprise with the confession, but somehow it doesn’t hurt me like I thought it would. “Really? I’m jealous.”
“Why? You have a round-eyed cutie waiting for you in the dorm.”
I jump awake at his ever-so-correct random guessing, staring at him with mouth gap, eyes wide, while he smiles with the unspoken sentence of ‘So I’m right, huh’
“How….!!??
“Well, you don’t care about people unless you have access to be close to them literally, and you looked panic when I kissed you in front of him this afternoon, and-“
“Okay okay, enough!” I return to my previous comfortable position on his lap, rather pissed off when he reads me like that. “I really don’t know how to face him. I become idiot.”
“Well, honestly you’re not making things better by leaving him abruptly like that, I mean… with a guy who had just kissed you right in front of his nose? He might have misunderstood.”
“Maybe he didn’t care, I’m not sure he thinks of me the way we’re talking about. For your information, he’s everybody’s person. He acts nice to practically everyone.”
Yoochun shrugs. “You’re not sure. Then go to make sure.”
I snort. “I’m not ready for the second rejection.”
“Aww Jaesmine….” Laughing, he drops his head onto me, causing me to winch as he nuzzles the wounds in my chest unintentionally. “I’ll buy you cococheese everyday for a month…” He coaxes.
Asereje, reje, reje, reje, reje……….
“What’s with the ringtone??” He blurts out.
I glare and shout a ‘Ssshh’ while Yoochun cackles with hands on the tummy and whispers ‘This is 21st century….’
The caller ID is ‘Wannabe Mexican’ a.k.a you know who. I frown. He does send me teasing text messages once in a while but he rarely calls me.
“Hello…?” I pick up the phone.
“………joong…!?”
It’s so noisy with people’s ruckus across the line, I can’t hear him clearly. One thing I’m sure, he sounds panic.
“Junsu? I can’t hear you!”
“Jae………. here……………… can’t……… min…. t…. self…”
“Junsu, it’s so noisy there, I can’t hear you!”
“…… min….. he…..”
He hangs up the phone.
“Is it Junsu?” Yoochun asks .
“Yeah but I can’t-oh, he sends me a message.”
I read the newly received message.
It’s only three words, but enough to make my blood flow stops. The cell phone slides from my hand.
“…….I can’t…. I can’t believe this…”
“Jae…? What’s wrong…!?”
Trembling all over, I rush to get my bag, tears start leaking from my eyes.
“Chunnie, I…. I… I should go back….”
I can’t believe this.
He’s different from them. He’s smart, he’s tough. He may look like that but he’s tough. I can’t believe this.
[to be continued]
A/N: ……………………………….*run from the bricks*