[fic] The reunion (chapter 9)
Title: The reunion
Pairing: Jaemin (main)
Warnings: language, drugs, in this chapter: SAPPY with capitals
Rating: PG-13 to R
Summary: The two boys were childhood friends, but a reunion was not always that sweet
PART 9
".... He was a bright kid, you know? When I grieved over my brother's death he consoled me... He gave me a handmade rag doll and offered his companion… and tried to make me smile ..." Jaejoong hid his hands beneath his pocket. The temperature wasn’t exactly friendly. "…but what I did when he was in the same situation? Nothing."
Soft breeze blew as fallen petals strode along its way. Jaejoong closed his eyes, feeling the fresh spring air while contemplating all the recent events happened right before his nose.
"It was chaotic.. He passed out, I panicked, in the end Junsu slapped me hard on the face. 'I can't babysit two hysterical guys at the same time', he said... " Jaejoong chuckled bitterly. "Thank God I called him beforehand... He's a great guy..."
Jaejoong bit his lips.
"I guess your Changmin is already in Seoul now..."
Right in front of him, a carved grey stone seemed like staring back in pity. The blond haired guy grazed his curious finger along its curve as if it was a living being.
"Too bad we haven't got a chance to know each other, Park Yoochun-sshi... So I never got a chance to say this to you......."
He took a deep breath before bawled his throat out,
"ARE YOU INSANE OR WHAT!!!???"
Much to his pleasure he was alone in the cemetery field.
"Your Noona friend said... you made Changmin forgot about his past! You told him that everything he had remembered was false to make him believed that he had always enjoyed a perfectly happy life...!"
And of course the grey stone couldn't retort back.
"It'll be a lie to say I'm not hurt, you know? I was part of that memory you claimed as fake...! How I wish I could drag you back into life and jab you hard in the eyes!!"
Jaejoong’s voice rivaled the grumbling sound of winds. He dropped himself on the ground, sitting with legs crossed.
"But Yoochun... do you think people could easily forget something just because you told them to? .... No. Unless you owned a brainwashing machine, no. The reason why he forgot it was simply because it wasn't that precious.... “ He choked. “Because... Changmin was happier with his new life with you..."
To acknowledge that tortured him more than he imagined. He lowered his head deeper.
"How can I resent you for it, for the love that I didn't give…? At first I thought you luckily got him in your life, just like a wonderful present. I envy you so much... I thought it wasn't fair... but she said even the one who discovered the abuse and stood up against the former family was you... and you also didn't let him know this..."
Jaejoong didn't care if someone accidentally passed by and labeled him lunatic, all those commotions turned him into one indeed.
"You indulged him in love for nine years, even discretely dedicated your life for him after he left, not wanting anything in return...”
“And... Junsu... taught him strength, assures him sincere companion and protection..."
The next realization slipped from his mouth at the same time as it struck.
"Compared to you both... Who am I...? What had I done..? I didn't even look after him when he left... didn't even try to comprehend him at first…God, i resented him! And now I demand his love in an instant, just because I was his childhood friend for... Less than a year...?"
"Tell me what right do I have here..." He dug his nails into the ground, finding a way to express the desperation. "Nine fucking years... How can I cope with that..? Tell me... Tell me how I should deal with this mess you left ...!?
He crouched, sinking head deep into his lap. People change, people forget. It’s inevitable. Just when he thought he finally found the real Shim Changmin, the love of his life, he realized that he had actually lost him.
*
*
*
Kim Jaejoong, after being left in Busan to cool his head down, eventually arrived at Seoul’s station within 3 hours. During the trip he kept thinking and thinking, but the lack of time didn’t give him much chance to do so for in the end he was still clueless of how to face his childhood love that was currently drowned in devastation. Even with cloudy mind, he went straight to Changmin’s apartment, feeling pang of hopelessness along the way. He wasn’t ready.
On the flat’s hallway he saw Junsu, sitting with legs extended, leaning his back against Changmin’s apartment room. Next to him was a plastic bag in which thorny pineapple leaf and some boxes of takeover foods peeked from its handle.
For the first time since he knew the short tempered guy, he witnessed him so frustrated, face all over his palms. Jaejoong collected himself and forced a question, "Is that for him...?"
Junsu glanced up absentmindedly, only the red rimmed eyes spoke back. His outfit was still the same as the last time Jaejoong saw, indicating that the guy hadn’t had a chance to return home.
"Why don't you go in?" The older guy asked incredulously.
Without bothering to answer, Junsu heavily got up on his feet and wobbled towards Jaejoong, handing him the plastic bag. "I... I wouldn't know what to do..." he immediately walked away. The older guy did nothing to chase him. He focused on the door in front of him, anxiety rose from the pit of his stomach before he decided to turn the doorknob open.
No sound was audible as he stepped inside, trying to maintain his feet as light as those of a cat.
What he saw was expected though, but still it tore his heart into million pieces to see Changmin hid himself underneath the comforter, snuggling into a big pile of cotton fabric, only the top of his brunette hair and some fingers clutching the blanket were peeking. Jaejoong knew a chaos was quietly happening under the cover as he saw the curling form jerked up and down.
"Minnie..." the nickname just slipped out in reluctance. "Hey... Have you eaten...?" He sat on the bed’s edge and tugged the blanket ever so lightly, encouraging the hiding guy to respond, but Changmin pulled it over, avoiding the thorny air to touch his tear drenched skin.
"I will..." his voice was thin, painfully husky and wavered.
Aside from those artists he had to interview in the past, Jaejoong was never good of persuading someone, especially when personal emotion interfered.
The blond haired placed his palm on a certain spot where he thought as Changmin’s upper back and rubbed a circle gently. "Do it now... Look, Junsu bought you a lot.." He fumbled the plastic bag and found a paper wrapped bread. He placed it beside Changmin's pillow. “It looks delicious, look at this Min…”
"Hyung, please... Leave me alone... I.. I'll thank Junsu later..."
Discouraged by the heart wrenching plea, Jaejoong chose to give up momentarily. He quietly slid off from the bed, slowly headed to the exit door. He opened the door just to close it again, purposely making slammed sound just to deceive Changmin that he had left.
He hoped Changmin would get off and do something for himself after he got the convenient of being alone, but the curling form didn't even budge from its previous position. Eventually Jaejoong returned to the bedroom with hardly any sound, slouching on the floor with legs extended and back leaned towards the wall. His eyes couldn't leave the guy.
One hour, two hour.
The difference in the pile of curling blanket was only when it shook and stopped shaking. Jaejoong closed his eyes and tried to sleep right on the spot, praying that when he woke up, he'd discover the face of Changmin and the idea of how to bloom a smile upon it.
But seriously, how could he sleep?
Another hour, and the position persisted, soft gasps still audible once in a while.
It shocked him that his wristwatch showed a clear 3 am, that meant Changmin had spent so many hours crying, with neither sleeping nor eating. The older guy chose to approach him, being frank about his existence.
"Minnie, please... Don't do this to yourself..." He grabbed both of the younger guy’s side and shook it gently, tears threatened to escape from his eyes.
"I've told you to leave..." Indeed, the guy was still awake.
"But at least drink something okay...? I'll make something sweet for you…" Jaejoong’s eyes quickly darted around to find something in handy, and mentally cheered when he found an electric stove placed near the refrigerator. Hurriedly, he warmed a kettle of water and made a cup of tea out of it, with lots of sugar added, though cursing himself in the process as the clang sounds of cooking utilities interfered the silence of the room.
Changmin’s reaction wasn’t a disturbed one, but rather a slurred whine. "It's late, you should go home.."
"I won't go home until I see you eat… or drink something..." The warm cup was ready and being brought to the brunette. Jaejoong placed it on the headboard. Slowly, Changmin rose from his hidden nest, revealing the agonizing sight, a wet, red face, puffed eyelids, dried lips, contracting veins trying to fight back the reoccurring hiccups. How it crushed Jaejoong to see him like that, how he wished for the usual smug face that full of triumph and superiority, the one that supposedly pissed him off so much, to appear. He realized that the face was always so radiant, now that the light had gone off from the pair of round eyes.
"Or… at least, sleep...? You’re tired, Min… you’ll get sick… please, either eat something or just sleep… "
Changmin intended to answer, Jaejoong knew he did, but the parted lips only pressed back together as urge to cry overpowered them. In the end the brunette slammed his face back to the pillow and repeated the depressing jerks, curling even more.
"Oh, Minnie..."
“I’m sorry…”
"No, don't apologize... I... Let me hug you, okay? It'll feel much better..."
Not waiting for agreement, Jaejoong dropped himself on top of Changmin’s curling form, tightly wrapped his body around the guy. The younger one didn’t make any move to chase him away, Jaejoong concluded the younger guy didn’t mind so he tightened his arms, clinging onto the trembling shoulder and felt the warm spine pressed against his cheek. How he wanted to protect, to drawn the vulnerable one inside his embrace completely. The hiccups were forcefully interrupted with long inhale of breaths and tensed body few times.
"Don't fight it back, just let it out..."
Jaejoong didn’t intend to make him stop crying, not forcefully. He perfectly realized Changmin needed it, after those long ways of fight and struggle, the guy needed to act like how he truly felt whatever it might be and surrendered to his own self.
Probably invited by the comfort, Changmin wiggled a bit to be free from the thick cover and pushed Jaejoong gently so he could arise. The older guy loosened his hold and returned to the previous sitting position before Changmin leaned forward to bury his face onto his neck, all wordless. The older guy immediately wrapped his arms around him, feeling grateful at the tiny improvement even though the tears still unstoppable. Again and again, fingers ran through the brown hair gently, silently, while fighting back his own sobs. He felt Changmin’s clutch on the fabric around his waist.
Jaejoong rocked the guy back and forth, slowly like a cradle. He didn't know how long they stayed in that state until Changmin's breath rhythm gradually steadied and his hiccups subsided, as Jaejoong felt the taller guy's weight on him.
How could he have a heart to move and awake the other guy? In the end Jaejoong shifted bit by bit, using quite a long time until he laid Changmin back onto the pillow, without letting go the body contact. Only when he had been convinced that the guy had completely drifted into slumber, the embrace was released.
He stared at Changmin's sleeping face, timidly touching his tear tainted cheek. He felt a little at ease, and proceeded to stock Junsu's gifts into the refrigerator while thinking about what method he should used to cheer the guy up.
Finished putting the foods inside the fridge, he slumped onto the floor, leaning against the hard bed's edge and rested his head there, feeling badly exhausted from the long trip and all the ruckuses. The heavy eyelids were worsened by sore joints and dizziness that he finally fell asleep.
The sun was high when he awoke with warm and bouncy surface reeked of Changmin's scent all over his face instead of the hard wooden bed's edge.
He was sleeping on the bed.
Did I sleepwalk or...?
The bathroom's door opened, revealing Changmin and his washed but still lifeless face, causing Jaejoong to flinch in surprise. "Don't fuss about other people's health when you can't keep yours.", Changmin muttered and strode towards the bed, dropped himself right beside the older guy.
Jaejoong blushed knowing that Changmin had moved him to the bed while he was asleep, but soon gained his awareness about the guy's condition.
"There's a cake in the fridge", Jaejoong informed. This time he was determined to shove foods into the other guy's mouth. He rushed to the said fridge and grabbed a piece of cake that Junsu had bought.
Much to his surprise Changmin approached him, snatched the cake from his hand and munched it hastily. "There." He said before immediately return to the bed and formed that depressing curl again.
Jaejoong sighed, knowing that Changmin did that just to shut him up. Still he was far from running out of patience, hence it was only the second day of mourning, what could he expect? So he scooted to sit on the bed’s edge and rubbed Changmin’s head soothingly, the only way of comforting he could think about. He was almost hopeless.
"I'm sorry Hyung... I'm getting annoying..." for the first time, Changmin turned his head to one side-to Jaejoong's side, instead of planting it into the pillow.
Jaejoong swatted the back of his head lightly. "Don't say that."
"Shouldn't you go to work..?"
"I'm taking a day off."
Suddenly Changmin got up, looking reluctant and refused to look the older guy in the eye. “Hyung, this is really annoying but…. But… can you…”
Couldn't bear to utter the request, he just dropped himself onto Jaejoong's chest, circled his arms around Jaejoong's waist rather loosely, forehead propped on the shorter guy's shoulder. They repeated the cuddle again.
Aigoo...
Jaejoong squeezed him tighter and kissed the top of his head. "Minnie, you're just like....." when you were kid. "... A kid."
"I'm sorry..."
"It's okay, let's do this as much as you want...."
Jaejoong couldn’t help but wondered whether this was the same person who blackmailed and tortured him with mysteries and annoying remarks. The very same guy was now succumbed to him needily, while even the Shim Changmin he knew as a child wasn’t exactly needy, more like pushy and demanding -but he knew the vulnerable one before him was probably someone that was suppressed and denied for a long time, who finally explode to make his appearance.
It hurt and might be ridiculous, but he couldn’t find a reason why the childhood issues had any significance. More importantly the timing was really, really off. Changmin needed no more trivia in his already complicated fate line, and Jaejoong had no clue how to tell him either.
"Let it out, I'll listen..." He suggested finally, hoping the other guy would open up to him.
"I spent my life..." Unexpectedly Changmin agreed. Maybe the cake and the hugs worked . "... believing that I was a victim, believing him wicked and nasty.... B-but now… knowing that the truth was like that, I’d rather have him sold me for real…”
“Minnie, don’t say that…” Jaejoong felt his vision blurred as the younger guy's depressing sobs began again.
"I wasn’t lonely... I have Junsu, I have Yunho Hyung... I met many people. But Yoochun Hyung... he suffered alone... Eaten by guilt and regret... You know what..? Even after he got that disease, the only thing he could think about was a way to get me back to school without me knowing..."
How the blond haired wanted to seal those painful words off with his lips. The tears that were previously distant finally made their way to Jaejoong's clothes.
“I could move on, Hyung… but he couldn’t! He was weaker than me, why didn’t I realize that…? Why didn't I believe him more...? Why didn't I return to him...?"
It tortured Jaejoong so deeply when those tear gleamed eyes finally had courage to challenge him, questioning something he couldn't answer.
"Minnie... Listen..." Jaejoong heard his own voice trembled as he caressed the side of Changmin's face. "I.. I saw him. Believe me, Min.. It's not the face of someone who suffered. He died inside your arms, I knew it was more than he asked for... The last warmth he felt was yours, the last thing he saw was your face.. It worth those sacrifices... Didn't you see? He looked so peaceful... He was happy, believe me ..." he assured, wiping the drop of tears with his thumb and forced a smile.
"How could you know..."
"Everyone knew. Everyone could see that just by looking at his face. So calm, like a sleeping boy..." He trailed the curve of Changmin's lower lip. "But I don't think he'll be happy to see you like this.. He had felt enough guilt, you don't want him to feel more guilty, do you...?"
Changmin trapped Jaejoong's hand with the side of his face with and his own hand, almost desperately. "But it hurts... so much... I can't take it..."
“Minnie... I'm sorry..." Tears drenched his face as well as Changmin's. He slammed the guy into his embrace, "I love you so much, Minnie, I love you so much..."
But I can’t kiss your pain away…
*
*
Struggling with the depression was far from easy. Everyday Jaejoong would visit Changmin before or after works, to ensure the freshly made dishes to eat (that mostly ended up untouched), clean the room or simply asked the younger guy what he needed (so far, none), ignoring the bombarded silent treatment and returned home halfheartedly at night with worries drawn on his face. Changmin had requested pleadingly for Jaejoong to leave him alone and gave him time, but the older guy couldn't control his nerve to stop worrying, and it was reasonable for Changmin was indeed destructing himself. Also, 'leave alone to give time' was never listed in Jaejoong's dictionary.
On the fourth day, Yunho called and attacked him with slurred interrogation of why Jaejoong didn't tell him the things that had happened, why should he found out about this 'death of an important relative' from Eriko, and would have came in a flash speed if it wasn't because of Changmin's respond, 'please tell him I'm okay and PLEASE don't come.' Junsu, on the other hand, texted Jaejoong everyday to ask about his buddy but didn't show up. Jaejoong believed that Junsu absolutely understood how Changmin might not appreciate too many companies at the moment.
On the sixth day, Changmin's weight loss became apparent and his temperature was 39,5 c.
"Oh my... You got fever..!" Jaejoong panicked and rushed around the room to find antipyretics while from the bed Changmin could only submissively watched him with the look that said 'just calm down, will you', mouth slightly parted to breathe easier.
“You need to stop doing this... I'm okay, I can take care of myself…” he shivered.
“If you could you wouldn’t be like this..! And I was here everyday... God I feel so useless…” Jaejoong helped the younger guy to get up and swallowed the pill, then rested him back and pulled the blanket over his chin. He glanced at the clock, it was late. "If it won't go down by tomorrow we should go to the hospital."
"The last thing I want now is a stranger poking his nose into my life..."
Hit by the statement, Jaejoong glanced away, uneasily pulled back a hand that rested on Changmin's chest as it turned numb.
Noticing the awkwardness, Changmin sighed. "You're not a stranger, stop making face like that..." He then shifted a bit to one side and tugged down the blanket that was covering a spot next to him. "Here..." He averted his gaze.
Jaejoong frowned, couldn't get what the other guy actually wanted him to do. He thought the reddish cheek was due to the fever. "Eh..?"
"Tomorrow your shift begin at 3, right ..?"
He nodded.
"Sleep here tonight, beside me... it'll make you less panic..."
Some seconds flew as Jaejoong stunned and blushed; eyes glued to the dull floor, until he realized that he looked pathetic and nervously hurried to climb onto the bed and filled the empty space. At first he positioned himself rather far from Changmin, until the younger guy turned the bed lamp off and pulled the blanket over them before snuggling closer and rested an arm on his waist. Soon, silence occupied the room.
He thought Changmin was already fallen asleep, and surprisingly the situation relaxed him more than he imagined. Changmin smelled like the mix of citrus, lavender and oil paint, bizarre but soothing combination. He inhaled the sweet air while fingers absentmindedly trailed in the dark, along Changmin's fingers up to his shoulder.
When Jaejoong's fingers accidentally brushed Changmin's eyelashes, he realized the younger guy hadn't closed his eyes.
"Minnie... What are you thinking..?" Jaejoong asked warily.
Changmin's voice floated in the dark, almost below whisper. "What if... I'm only seeking for physical comfort...? What if I still can't get over Yoochun, and actually just use you as a distraction?"
Somehow Jaejoong was already immune to that kind of confession. He gently pinched Changmin's chin. "Minnie.. why do you worry over trivial things.."
"It's not trivial, won't you-"
"What hurts me the most is you being like this... I couldn't care about anything else. So please, just think for yourself.." the next statement required so many energy for Jaejoong to keep his voice stable. “Do you know how much I regret it, that I wasn’t by your side when you suffered all those years..? I just… don’t want to regret anything even more…”
He cursed himself from blabbered too much.
“Hyung, it couldn't be helped...we hadn’t even known each other that time..."
"Yeah.... I'm sorry." Not now. Not the right time. "Close your eyes, Changmin... And please get better tomorrow, yes...?" He patted the back of Changmin’s head.
*
*
When Jaejoong opened his eyes the next morning due to the sound of chirping birds, the first thing greeted him was the blurred scenery of Changmin’s lean fingers, building up his previously ceased worry.
"Minnie, your fever..." Jaejoong tugged his blanket down.
"Hold on. Stay still.” Changmin warned, he reached out to arrange the blanket back to its previous position, which was covering Jaejoong up to his arm. Jaejoong was lying on his side, curling comfortably with both elbows bent and hands rested next to his face. His golden locks slightly touched the tip of his nose but not enough thick to hide his eyes. Morning rays timidly shone onto the hair, enhancing their gloss.
When his vision had adjusted better, he saw Changmin sitting on a chair next to the bed, facing him with legs crossed, a canvas on his lap was propped onto the bed's edge. He saw the pair of serious eyes darted between him and the canvas, hovered by a pair of eyebrows that twitched few times as a hand carefully danced a paintbrush.
"You're drawing me..!?"
Changmin pushed the older guy’s shoulder onto the bed, prevented him to change his position. "Shh. The angle is perfect."
Jaejoong's heart skipped a beat seeing the long awaited smile that he had missed so much. His face turned miserably crimson when Changmin stopped drawing and switched his attention to him, watching how he fidgeted. “A-At least tell me first... I must have been really ugly.” Jaejoong stuttered.
The brunette chuckled, almost shyly, putting his canvas aside and leaned forward. “…. You can never be.”
As far as Jaejoong remembered, a kiss from Changmin had never been that gentle.
[to be continue]
A/N: Hehehehe… about… 3 chapters more to go before this story ends xD
Pairing: Jaemin (main)
Warnings: language, drugs, in this chapter: SAPPY with capitals
Rating: PG-13 to R
Summary: The two boys were childhood friends, but a reunion was not always that sweet
PART 9
".... He was a bright kid, you know? When I grieved over my brother's death he consoled me... He gave me a handmade rag doll and offered his companion… and tried to make me smile ..." Jaejoong hid his hands beneath his pocket. The temperature wasn’t exactly friendly. "…but what I did when he was in the same situation? Nothing."
Soft breeze blew as fallen petals strode along its way. Jaejoong closed his eyes, feeling the fresh spring air while contemplating all the recent events happened right before his nose.
"It was chaotic.. He passed out, I panicked, in the end Junsu slapped me hard on the face. 'I can't babysit two hysterical guys at the same time', he said... " Jaejoong chuckled bitterly. "Thank God I called him beforehand... He's a great guy..."
Jaejoong bit his lips.
"I guess your Changmin is already in Seoul now..."
Right in front of him, a carved grey stone seemed like staring back in pity. The blond haired guy grazed his curious finger along its curve as if it was a living being.
"Too bad we haven't got a chance to know each other, Park Yoochun-sshi... So I never got a chance to say this to you......."
He took a deep breath before bawled his throat out,
"ARE YOU INSANE OR WHAT!!!???"
Much to his pleasure he was alone in the cemetery field.
"Your Noona friend said... you made Changmin forgot about his past! You told him that everything he had remembered was false to make him believed that he had always enjoyed a perfectly happy life...!"
And of course the grey stone couldn't retort back.
"It'll be a lie to say I'm not hurt, you know? I was part of that memory you claimed as fake...! How I wish I could drag you back into life and jab you hard in the eyes!!"
Jaejoong’s voice rivaled the grumbling sound of winds. He dropped himself on the ground, sitting with legs crossed.
"But Yoochun... do you think people could easily forget something just because you told them to? .... No. Unless you owned a brainwashing machine, no. The reason why he forgot it was simply because it wasn't that precious.... “ He choked. “Because... Changmin was happier with his new life with you..."
To acknowledge that tortured him more than he imagined. He lowered his head deeper.
"How can I resent you for it, for the love that I didn't give…? At first I thought you luckily got him in your life, just like a wonderful present. I envy you so much... I thought it wasn't fair... but she said even the one who discovered the abuse and stood up against the former family was you... and you also didn't let him know this..."
Jaejoong didn't care if someone accidentally passed by and labeled him lunatic, all those commotions turned him into one indeed.
"You indulged him in love for nine years, even discretely dedicated your life for him after he left, not wanting anything in return...”
“And... Junsu... taught him strength, assures him sincere companion and protection..."
The next realization slipped from his mouth at the same time as it struck.
"Compared to you both... Who am I...? What had I done..? I didn't even look after him when he left... didn't even try to comprehend him at first…God, i resented him! And now I demand his love in an instant, just because I was his childhood friend for... Less than a year...?"
"Tell me what right do I have here..." He dug his nails into the ground, finding a way to express the desperation. "Nine fucking years... How can I cope with that..? Tell me... Tell me how I should deal with this mess you left ...!?
He crouched, sinking head deep into his lap. People change, people forget. It’s inevitable. Just when he thought he finally found the real Shim Changmin, the love of his life, he realized that he had actually lost him.
*
*
*
Kim Jaejoong, after being left in Busan to cool his head down, eventually arrived at Seoul’s station within 3 hours. During the trip he kept thinking and thinking, but the lack of time didn’t give him much chance to do so for in the end he was still clueless of how to face his childhood love that was currently drowned in devastation. Even with cloudy mind, he went straight to Changmin’s apartment, feeling pang of hopelessness along the way. He wasn’t ready.
On the flat’s hallway he saw Junsu, sitting with legs extended, leaning his back against Changmin’s apartment room. Next to him was a plastic bag in which thorny pineapple leaf and some boxes of takeover foods peeked from its handle.
For the first time since he knew the short tempered guy, he witnessed him so frustrated, face all over his palms. Jaejoong collected himself and forced a question, "Is that for him...?"
Junsu glanced up absentmindedly, only the red rimmed eyes spoke back. His outfit was still the same as the last time Jaejoong saw, indicating that the guy hadn’t had a chance to return home.
"Why don't you go in?" The older guy asked incredulously.
Without bothering to answer, Junsu heavily got up on his feet and wobbled towards Jaejoong, handing him the plastic bag. "I... I wouldn't know what to do..." he immediately walked away. The older guy did nothing to chase him. He focused on the door in front of him, anxiety rose from the pit of his stomach before he decided to turn the doorknob open.
No sound was audible as he stepped inside, trying to maintain his feet as light as those of a cat.
What he saw was expected though, but still it tore his heart into million pieces to see Changmin hid himself underneath the comforter, snuggling into a big pile of cotton fabric, only the top of his brunette hair and some fingers clutching the blanket were peeking. Jaejoong knew a chaos was quietly happening under the cover as he saw the curling form jerked up and down.
"Minnie..." the nickname just slipped out in reluctance. "Hey... Have you eaten...?" He sat on the bed’s edge and tugged the blanket ever so lightly, encouraging the hiding guy to respond, but Changmin pulled it over, avoiding the thorny air to touch his tear drenched skin.
"I will..." his voice was thin, painfully husky and wavered.
Aside from those artists he had to interview in the past, Jaejoong was never good of persuading someone, especially when personal emotion interfered.
The blond haired placed his palm on a certain spot where he thought as Changmin’s upper back and rubbed a circle gently. "Do it now... Look, Junsu bought you a lot.." He fumbled the plastic bag and found a paper wrapped bread. He placed it beside Changmin's pillow. “It looks delicious, look at this Min…”
"Hyung, please... Leave me alone... I.. I'll thank Junsu later..."
Discouraged by the heart wrenching plea, Jaejoong chose to give up momentarily. He quietly slid off from the bed, slowly headed to the exit door. He opened the door just to close it again, purposely making slammed sound just to deceive Changmin that he had left.
He hoped Changmin would get off and do something for himself after he got the convenient of being alone, but the curling form didn't even budge from its previous position. Eventually Jaejoong returned to the bedroom with hardly any sound, slouching on the floor with legs extended and back leaned towards the wall. His eyes couldn't leave the guy.
One hour, two hour.
The difference in the pile of curling blanket was only when it shook and stopped shaking. Jaejoong closed his eyes and tried to sleep right on the spot, praying that when he woke up, he'd discover the face of Changmin and the idea of how to bloom a smile upon it.
But seriously, how could he sleep?
Another hour, and the position persisted, soft gasps still audible once in a while.
It shocked him that his wristwatch showed a clear 3 am, that meant Changmin had spent so many hours crying, with neither sleeping nor eating. The older guy chose to approach him, being frank about his existence.
"Minnie, please... Don't do this to yourself..." He grabbed both of the younger guy’s side and shook it gently, tears threatened to escape from his eyes.
"I've told you to leave..." Indeed, the guy was still awake.
"But at least drink something okay...? I'll make something sweet for you…" Jaejoong’s eyes quickly darted around to find something in handy, and mentally cheered when he found an electric stove placed near the refrigerator. Hurriedly, he warmed a kettle of water and made a cup of tea out of it, with lots of sugar added, though cursing himself in the process as the clang sounds of cooking utilities interfered the silence of the room.
Changmin’s reaction wasn’t a disturbed one, but rather a slurred whine. "It's late, you should go home.."
"I won't go home until I see you eat… or drink something..." The warm cup was ready and being brought to the brunette. Jaejoong placed it on the headboard. Slowly, Changmin rose from his hidden nest, revealing the agonizing sight, a wet, red face, puffed eyelids, dried lips, contracting veins trying to fight back the reoccurring hiccups. How it crushed Jaejoong to see him like that, how he wished for the usual smug face that full of triumph and superiority, the one that supposedly pissed him off so much, to appear. He realized that the face was always so radiant, now that the light had gone off from the pair of round eyes.
"Or… at least, sleep...? You’re tired, Min… you’ll get sick… please, either eat something or just sleep… "
Changmin intended to answer, Jaejoong knew he did, but the parted lips only pressed back together as urge to cry overpowered them. In the end the brunette slammed his face back to the pillow and repeated the depressing jerks, curling even more.
"Oh, Minnie..."
“I’m sorry…”
"No, don't apologize... I... Let me hug you, okay? It'll feel much better..."
Not waiting for agreement, Jaejoong dropped himself on top of Changmin’s curling form, tightly wrapped his body around the guy. The younger one didn’t make any move to chase him away, Jaejoong concluded the younger guy didn’t mind so he tightened his arms, clinging onto the trembling shoulder and felt the warm spine pressed against his cheek. How he wanted to protect, to drawn the vulnerable one inside his embrace completely. The hiccups were forcefully interrupted with long inhale of breaths and tensed body few times.
"Don't fight it back, just let it out..."
Jaejoong didn’t intend to make him stop crying, not forcefully. He perfectly realized Changmin needed it, after those long ways of fight and struggle, the guy needed to act like how he truly felt whatever it might be and surrendered to his own self.
Probably invited by the comfort, Changmin wiggled a bit to be free from the thick cover and pushed Jaejoong gently so he could arise. The older guy loosened his hold and returned to the previous sitting position before Changmin leaned forward to bury his face onto his neck, all wordless. The older guy immediately wrapped his arms around him, feeling grateful at the tiny improvement even though the tears still unstoppable. Again and again, fingers ran through the brown hair gently, silently, while fighting back his own sobs. He felt Changmin’s clutch on the fabric around his waist.
Jaejoong rocked the guy back and forth, slowly like a cradle. He didn't know how long they stayed in that state until Changmin's breath rhythm gradually steadied and his hiccups subsided, as Jaejoong felt the taller guy's weight on him.
How could he have a heart to move and awake the other guy? In the end Jaejoong shifted bit by bit, using quite a long time until he laid Changmin back onto the pillow, without letting go the body contact. Only when he had been convinced that the guy had completely drifted into slumber, the embrace was released.
He stared at Changmin's sleeping face, timidly touching his tear tainted cheek. He felt a little at ease, and proceeded to stock Junsu's gifts into the refrigerator while thinking about what method he should used to cheer the guy up.
Finished putting the foods inside the fridge, he slumped onto the floor, leaning against the hard bed's edge and rested his head there, feeling badly exhausted from the long trip and all the ruckuses. The heavy eyelids were worsened by sore joints and dizziness that he finally fell asleep.
The sun was high when he awoke with warm and bouncy surface reeked of Changmin's scent all over his face instead of the hard wooden bed's edge.
He was sleeping on the bed.
Did I sleepwalk or...?
The bathroom's door opened, revealing Changmin and his washed but still lifeless face, causing Jaejoong to flinch in surprise. "Don't fuss about other people's health when you can't keep yours.", Changmin muttered and strode towards the bed, dropped himself right beside the older guy.
Jaejoong blushed knowing that Changmin had moved him to the bed while he was asleep, but soon gained his awareness about the guy's condition.
"There's a cake in the fridge", Jaejoong informed. This time he was determined to shove foods into the other guy's mouth. He rushed to the said fridge and grabbed a piece of cake that Junsu had bought.
Much to his surprise Changmin approached him, snatched the cake from his hand and munched it hastily. "There." He said before immediately return to the bed and formed that depressing curl again.
Jaejoong sighed, knowing that Changmin did that just to shut him up. Still he was far from running out of patience, hence it was only the second day of mourning, what could he expect? So he scooted to sit on the bed’s edge and rubbed Changmin’s head soothingly, the only way of comforting he could think about. He was almost hopeless.
"I'm sorry Hyung... I'm getting annoying..." for the first time, Changmin turned his head to one side-to Jaejoong's side, instead of planting it into the pillow.
Jaejoong swatted the back of his head lightly. "Don't say that."
"Shouldn't you go to work..?"
"I'm taking a day off."
Suddenly Changmin got up, looking reluctant and refused to look the older guy in the eye. “Hyung, this is really annoying but…. But… can you…”
Couldn't bear to utter the request, he just dropped himself onto Jaejoong's chest, circled his arms around Jaejoong's waist rather loosely, forehead propped on the shorter guy's shoulder. They repeated the cuddle again.
Aigoo...
Jaejoong squeezed him tighter and kissed the top of his head. "Minnie, you're just like....." when you were kid. "... A kid."
"I'm sorry..."
"It's okay, let's do this as much as you want...."
Jaejoong couldn’t help but wondered whether this was the same person who blackmailed and tortured him with mysteries and annoying remarks. The very same guy was now succumbed to him needily, while even the Shim Changmin he knew as a child wasn’t exactly needy, more like pushy and demanding -but he knew the vulnerable one before him was probably someone that was suppressed and denied for a long time, who finally explode to make his appearance.
It hurt and might be ridiculous, but he couldn’t find a reason why the childhood issues had any significance. More importantly the timing was really, really off. Changmin needed no more trivia in his already complicated fate line, and Jaejoong had no clue how to tell him either.
"Let it out, I'll listen..." He suggested finally, hoping the other guy would open up to him.
"I spent my life..." Unexpectedly Changmin agreed. Maybe the cake and the hugs worked . "... believing that I was a victim, believing him wicked and nasty.... B-but now… knowing that the truth was like that, I’d rather have him sold me for real…”
“Minnie, don’t say that…” Jaejoong felt his vision blurred as the younger guy's depressing sobs began again.
"I wasn’t lonely... I have Junsu, I have Yunho Hyung... I met many people. But Yoochun Hyung... he suffered alone... Eaten by guilt and regret... You know what..? Even after he got that disease, the only thing he could think about was a way to get me back to school without me knowing..."
How the blond haired wanted to seal those painful words off with his lips. The tears that were previously distant finally made their way to Jaejoong's clothes.
“I could move on, Hyung… but he couldn’t! He was weaker than me, why didn’t I realize that…? Why didn't I believe him more...? Why didn't I return to him...?"
It tortured Jaejoong so deeply when those tear gleamed eyes finally had courage to challenge him, questioning something he couldn't answer.
"Minnie... Listen..." Jaejoong heard his own voice trembled as he caressed the side of Changmin's face. "I.. I saw him. Believe me, Min.. It's not the face of someone who suffered. He died inside your arms, I knew it was more than he asked for... The last warmth he felt was yours, the last thing he saw was your face.. It worth those sacrifices... Didn't you see? He looked so peaceful... He was happy, believe me ..." he assured, wiping the drop of tears with his thumb and forced a smile.
"How could you know..."
"Everyone knew. Everyone could see that just by looking at his face. So calm, like a sleeping boy..." He trailed the curve of Changmin's lower lip. "But I don't think he'll be happy to see you like this.. He had felt enough guilt, you don't want him to feel more guilty, do you...?"
Changmin trapped Jaejoong's hand with the side of his face with and his own hand, almost desperately. "But it hurts... so much... I can't take it..."
“Minnie... I'm sorry..." Tears drenched his face as well as Changmin's. He slammed the guy into his embrace, "I love you so much, Minnie, I love you so much..."
But I can’t kiss your pain away…
*
*
Struggling with the depression was far from easy. Everyday Jaejoong would visit Changmin before or after works, to ensure the freshly made dishes to eat (that mostly ended up untouched), clean the room or simply asked the younger guy what he needed (so far, none), ignoring the bombarded silent treatment and returned home halfheartedly at night with worries drawn on his face. Changmin had requested pleadingly for Jaejoong to leave him alone and gave him time, but the older guy couldn't control his nerve to stop worrying, and it was reasonable for Changmin was indeed destructing himself. Also, 'leave alone to give time' was never listed in Jaejoong's dictionary.
On the fourth day, Yunho called and attacked him with slurred interrogation of why Jaejoong didn't tell him the things that had happened, why should he found out about this 'death of an important relative' from Eriko, and would have came in a flash speed if it wasn't because of Changmin's respond, 'please tell him I'm okay and PLEASE don't come.' Junsu, on the other hand, texted Jaejoong everyday to ask about his buddy but didn't show up. Jaejoong believed that Junsu absolutely understood how Changmin might not appreciate too many companies at the moment.
On the sixth day, Changmin's weight loss became apparent and his temperature was 39,5 c.
"Oh my... You got fever..!" Jaejoong panicked and rushed around the room to find antipyretics while from the bed Changmin could only submissively watched him with the look that said 'just calm down, will you', mouth slightly parted to breathe easier.
“You need to stop doing this... I'm okay, I can take care of myself…” he shivered.
“If you could you wouldn’t be like this..! And I was here everyday... God I feel so useless…” Jaejoong helped the younger guy to get up and swallowed the pill, then rested him back and pulled the blanket over his chin. He glanced at the clock, it was late. "If it won't go down by tomorrow we should go to the hospital."
"The last thing I want now is a stranger poking his nose into my life..."
Hit by the statement, Jaejoong glanced away, uneasily pulled back a hand that rested on Changmin's chest as it turned numb.
Noticing the awkwardness, Changmin sighed. "You're not a stranger, stop making face like that..." He then shifted a bit to one side and tugged down the blanket that was covering a spot next to him. "Here..." He averted his gaze.
Jaejoong frowned, couldn't get what the other guy actually wanted him to do. He thought the reddish cheek was due to the fever. "Eh..?"
"Tomorrow your shift begin at 3, right ..?"
He nodded.
"Sleep here tonight, beside me... it'll make you less panic..."
Some seconds flew as Jaejoong stunned and blushed; eyes glued to the dull floor, until he realized that he looked pathetic and nervously hurried to climb onto the bed and filled the empty space. At first he positioned himself rather far from Changmin, until the younger guy turned the bed lamp off and pulled the blanket over them before snuggling closer and rested an arm on his waist. Soon, silence occupied the room.
He thought Changmin was already fallen asleep, and surprisingly the situation relaxed him more than he imagined. Changmin smelled like the mix of citrus, lavender and oil paint, bizarre but soothing combination. He inhaled the sweet air while fingers absentmindedly trailed in the dark, along Changmin's fingers up to his shoulder.
When Jaejoong's fingers accidentally brushed Changmin's eyelashes, he realized the younger guy hadn't closed his eyes.
"Minnie... What are you thinking..?" Jaejoong asked warily.
Changmin's voice floated in the dark, almost below whisper. "What if... I'm only seeking for physical comfort...? What if I still can't get over Yoochun, and actually just use you as a distraction?"
Somehow Jaejoong was already immune to that kind of confession. He gently pinched Changmin's chin. "Minnie.. why do you worry over trivial things.."
"It's not trivial, won't you-"
"What hurts me the most is you being like this... I couldn't care about anything else. So please, just think for yourself.." the next statement required so many energy for Jaejoong to keep his voice stable. “Do you know how much I regret it, that I wasn’t by your side when you suffered all those years..? I just… don’t want to regret anything even more…”
He cursed himself from blabbered too much.
“Hyung, it couldn't be helped...we hadn’t even known each other that time..."
"Yeah.... I'm sorry." Not now. Not the right time. "Close your eyes, Changmin... And please get better tomorrow, yes...?" He patted the back of Changmin’s head.
*
*
When Jaejoong opened his eyes the next morning due to the sound of chirping birds, the first thing greeted him was the blurred scenery of Changmin’s lean fingers, building up his previously ceased worry.
"Minnie, your fever..." Jaejoong tugged his blanket down.
"Hold on. Stay still.” Changmin warned, he reached out to arrange the blanket back to its previous position, which was covering Jaejoong up to his arm. Jaejoong was lying on his side, curling comfortably with both elbows bent and hands rested next to his face. His golden locks slightly touched the tip of his nose but not enough thick to hide his eyes. Morning rays timidly shone onto the hair, enhancing their gloss.
When his vision had adjusted better, he saw Changmin sitting on a chair next to the bed, facing him with legs crossed, a canvas on his lap was propped onto the bed's edge. He saw the pair of serious eyes darted between him and the canvas, hovered by a pair of eyebrows that twitched few times as a hand carefully danced a paintbrush.
"You're drawing me..!?"
Changmin pushed the older guy’s shoulder onto the bed, prevented him to change his position. "Shh. The angle is perfect."
Jaejoong's heart skipped a beat seeing the long awaited smile that he had missed so much. His face turned miserably crimson when Changmin stopped drawing and switched his attention to him, watching how he fidgeted. “A-At least tell me first... I must have been really ugly.” Jaejoong stuttered.
The brunette chuckled, almost shyly, putting his canvas aside and leaned forward. “…. You can never be.”
As far as Jaejoong remembered, a kiss from Changmin had never been that gentle.
[to be continue]
A/N: Hehehehe… about… 3 chapters more to go before this story ends xD