12.
I suppose it was only a matter of time before these walls I worked so desperately to put up around me finally collapsed in on me. Especially with the way it's been chipped at bit by bit over the past year. Such a melodramatic metaphor, but fitting.
Last weekend is still fresh in my mind. I've been trying to stop thinking about it, but of course that only makes me remember it even more vividly. I'm running out of options. So much for the wine I was saving for my birthday this year.
What am I doing? I still haven't even let go of the possibility of being with Flint, as minuscule as that chance may be. Non-existent, perhaps. But I still haven't let go of it. I feel so disloyal going out with other people, even if they did ask me out. He never asked me out. It was always the other way around. At least I don't have to worry about not being desirable anymore, if daroach's behaviour was any indication. Maybe I should have just let him have sex with me it isn't as though my self-worth can plummet any more right now.
I can't even sort out my feelings about it all and I thought writing it all would help.
I suppose I should stop avoiding Raiden now. Maybe I should call him over to share this wine becuause I can't possibly handle it all on my own. It's not even hald empty and I'm already feeling a bit tipsy.
I should be dead now, really. I'm surprised I'm not. Raticate was right, maybe it was all in my head. Or maybe it's because I've been careful for the most part. How much longer do I really have left? It would be awful if he got at all attached to me and I went and died on him. Even worse for Flint. Flint's already lost someone before.
Of course the both of them are more likely to leave first before that happens.
I know I had something important I wanted to remember. A conclusion I came to in the shower but now it's slipped my mind Probably the aclohol. Maybe I'll keep it all to mysefl after all.
Oh yes Ishould really remember to keep an eye on both lash and gAnondorf. I think they may be cospiring to put me out of a job
Lucas, too. How can one student make me think so much about the way i've been living my life for the past ten years ? He certainly is an intresting one. Maybe I onl give him so much consideration because he's Flint's son. Or maybe I think he could be right, deep down
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Do you like wine??
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I still havent change my mind about you but... would you be upset if I were to ever see somoeone else? not that I plan to. It's just a question and I shouldn't even be thingking about this.