Kiss of the Vampire
SWEET VALLEY UNIVERSITY THRILLER EDITION: KISS OF THE VAMPIRE
OMG, this book is full of win. Undead vampire journalists! Mind control! New Orleans! Elizabeth nearly sleepwalks out a window! UNDEAD VAMPIRE JOURNALISTS!!! This was LITERALLY my favorite Sweet Valley book of all time as a kid. At one point, I stupidly loaned it to my sister, who left it out in the rain, so my copy looks…rather worse for wear and smells of mold, but you know what? Like a Trusty Boyfriend, I love it still.
Tag line on the back of the book: “Don’t shut your eyes, Sweet Valley. Nobody sleeps tonight.” Are you excited yet??!! You better be. Warning: this may be long, but hopefully it’s entertaining enough to be worth it.
We open the book with the twins exploring a Plot Device, I mean, abandoned mansion near the campus, because they have decided to throw a Halloween party there. This book came out directly after #14 Shipboard Wedding, which takes place over spring break, so I don’t know how it’s Halloween again…of their freshman year. Shenanigans! Exposition that Tom and Elizabeth have both applied for some sort of journalism contest where the winner gets to fly to New Orleans and spend the weekend with a “world famous but incredibly mysterious” journalist named Nicholas des Perdu. The lights go out and the twins get freaked and run away.
Meanwhile, a mysteeeerious person is wandering around New Orleans with “aching teeth” looking for “smiling, generous surrender, an easy glide toward darkness.” Ew. Maybe I have a dirty mind.
Tom and Liz open their journalism contest letters together. Neither of them wins. The end. No, just kidding! Of course one of them wins, but PLOT TWIST! it’s Tom and NOT wonder-twin Liz!
Cafeteria. Liz and Tom are making out over breakfast and Jessica thinks to herself that they’re revolting. Heh. They are sooo one of those couples. Also, Jessica is kind of funny and awesome in this book. Who knew?
Later, Liz picks Tom up at his dorm to take him to the airport. They basically act like they’re never going to see each other again, instead of only being separated for a weekend. Liz even gives him a framed picture of herself to take with him, because she’s an egomaniac. It’s not even a picture of them together. Does that strike anyone else as weird?
Theta house. Lila and Jess exposit about their evening plans (dates with their boyfriends) before the Prez, Magda, calls a house meeting. She announces that the parlor is being converted to a bedroom and is up for grabs. Jess decides immediately that she! Must! Have it! Unfortunately, bitchy Alison wants the room too, so the battle of the bedrooms is on!
Tom arrives in New Orleans. Now, I’ve never been to New Orleans, so I don’t know what it’s really like, but the ghostwriters don’t really have that great a track record when it comes to describing non Sweet Valley places with any sort of accuracy, so I’m taking all the New Orleans scenes with a grain of salt. Tom notes that the air in the airport is “heavy, moist, and smell[s] faintly of mildew.” Lovely. He thinks this shows the city’s personality. I think Tom is dumb. Let’s see who’s right. He spots a headline on a local paper that says “Woman Dead by Exsanguination.” Having never read a book or lived in the world, he has no idea what this means. And he calls himself a journalist. For shame! Tom gets picked up in a limo driven by a creepy dude named Fortune.
Liz sits in her room and tries to send telepathic messages to Tom because she’s the lamest person who ever lamed. Jessica comes in and announces her plans to move to the Theta house. Liz is not pleased but kind of just rolls over and takes it, like always.
Tom doesn’t know what mausoleums are, so when they pass the cemetery, Fortune has to explain about New Orleans being below sea level, so bodies aren’t buried in the ground, but in mausoleums. I have no idea if this is true or not. Tom gets creeped out, because he’s a wimp. He now thinks the air smells “amazingly different from the air in California-sweet, yet somehow not fresh. Warm. Seductive.” What’s with Tom’s obsession with air smells? They arrive at the house, (of course it’s a mansion) and it’s super rundown and creepy. Fortune tells him that nothing about the house belongs in the 20th century. I nearly trip over the giant block of FORESHADOWING which has taken up residence in my living room.
Chapter Four
A hot housekeeper named Marielle takes Tom to his room. He sits around and thinks about Liz until Nicholas des Perdu shows up. Nicholas is young with green eyes and black hair. He’s also pale, which should be a dead giveaway that he’s not human. Pale? You must be a vampire! Tom thinks he’s hot. Err…that “women would probably find him attractive.” Nicholas tells Tom about the story they will be working on, a feature about Halloween in New Orleans. Haha, Tom got stuck with a human interest story. Tom doesn’t know what All Saint’s Day is. Why is he such a moron in this book? There are other ways of explaining things to dumb readers without making the main character an idiot.
Sidebar…despite being an immortal vampire with mind-control powers, Nicholas has nothing better to do with his life than to…move to New Orleans and become a journalist. And sponsor random essay contests for college students that involve flying them out to live with him in his weird ass vampire house. It’s like saying, hey look at me! I’m a weirdo! And I might suck your blood! Furthermore, it is never explained how ol’ Nick has managed to live for decades as a “world famous” (WORLD FAMOUS, mind you) journalist, despite NEVER AGING, without anyone thinking…hey, that’s a little strange. Plus, it’s implied that he has to kill someone every few days or so to drink their blood…I assume he moves around a lot, but as he’s WORLD FAMOUS, I think the cops would figure out before TOO long that wherever he goes, PEOPLE DIE. FROM HAVING THEIR BLOOD SUCKED OUT. I guess Sweet Valley police ineptitude is catching. I don’t usually ask for too strong a degree of realism in my SV books, especially ones with a supernatural premise, but jeeeeezzzz…GIANT GAPING PLOT HOLES AHOY!! I think Francine was hitting the crack pipe a little harder than usual before shitting this one out.
Ahem. Anyway. Nicholas sees Tom’s picture of Liz and goes into a trance.
1788. France. Nicholas is waiting at the altar for his bride, Lisette. Finally she shows up and they get married. Oh, and I’m sure you’ll be shocked, SHOCKED to find out that Lisette looks just like Liz. Of course she does.
Tom wakes Nicholas out of his trance and tells him about Liz, and how she also entered the contest. Nicholas: d’oh! Nicholas leaves and Tom goes to sleep, having completely forgotten to call Liz. Oops.
Again, Liz sits in her room thinking about Tom and how he didn’t call her. I hate how codependent the two of them are in this book. Then it starts to rain (even though no storm was predicted…spooky!) and Liz goes to sleep.
Chapter Five
The next day, Jessica is measuring the new bedroom at the Theta house. It’s 13’x11’8” if anyone cares. Alison comes in and the two of them bitch at each other, before Alison makes vague threats and leaves.
Tom goes to Tulane University to do research for his article. He keeps thinking about Sweet Valley and getting homesick. Tom, you’ve been away for ONE DAY. Cut the cord!
Liz is studying at the library (on a Saturday. Lllloser!). A classmate of hers comes up and asks her out, but she (surprisingly, given her cheating ways) turns him down, as she and Tom are “still going strong.” He leaves and she thinks about how much she loves Tom. “It was as if she actually needed him in a physical, chemical way.” Then the paragraph goes on to say that Tom is her second serious boyfriend (Todd being the first). No love for Jeffrey?! And “somehow she’d never felt for Todd what she felt for Tom.” Sorry all you Todd/Liz shippers out there. I guess Tom is her one true love after all. =/
Chapter Six
Nicholas, being a stereotypical vampire, has tons of vampire books in his personal library. I don’t really see the point of that, honestly. Does he need to remind himself of the rules every now and then? Tom thinks this is weird. Then he thinks that California is “new, large, clean, and bright” while New Orleans is the opposite. So I guess, old, small, dirty, and dark? No love for New Orleans from the ghostwriters I guess. From this book I picture New Orleans as being kinda like my copy of the book itself: water-stained and smelling of mold. Anyway Tom is working on his article in Nicholas’s study when Marielle comes in all creepy and hot. Then Nicholas cock-blocks by coming in and inviting Tom out to dinner.
Jessica goes out to meet her friends at a club, telling Liz not to wait up for her as she will be out late, and: “if you wake up in the middle of the night and hear weird noises, don’t turn on the light.” Gross!! Does that mean what I think it means? I think it does! And Liz acts like it ain’t no thang, so does this mean Jessica routinely brings guys back for random sex? Oy vey. Liz decides to call Tom but the number she has doesn’t work. She tries to call information, only to discover that Nicholas des Perdu (being a world famous journalist-slash-bloodthirsty vampire) is of course not listed.
Tom goes to call Liz but suddenly….he is just….so very….sleeeeeepy. He looks up to see Marielle watching him. Dun dun DUNNNNN.
Chapter Seven
Tom and Marielle go up to his room and start making out. That was quick. She starts biting his neck a little and suddenly he sees Liz’s face (in his mind) and realizes he’s being a big ol’ cheating cheater. He kicks Marielle out and starts looking around for Liz’s picture (I guess he’s going to ask it for forgiveness or something, I don’t know), but it’s gone missing.
And that’s because Nicholas has it. Uh-duhhhh.
Flashback. Nicholas has to leave Lisette right after their wedding to help put down a peasant uprising. She is sad and clingy, so he promises her a second honeymoon when he gets back. They make out.
Dream sequence. Liz is studying (she dreams about studying? Nerd!) when suddenly a person appears. It’s Nicholas, but she doesn’t know that. He starts reaching out to her and she gets freaked out and backs up, into Tom. She begs him to help her, but he’s been….BRAINWASHED!! Aaaiieee!!
Jessica gets back from the club (alone, if you were wondering.) She doesn’t want to wake Liz up, so she puts a scarf over the light. Kids, don’t try this at home.
The next day, Tom is packing to go home and finds Liz’s picture in his suitcase. There’s a spot of dried something on it….YUCK! But then the ghostwriter helpfully tells us the dried something looks like blood. That’s only slightly less gross. Then it starts raining and Marielle tells him his flight has been delayed. Oh and the storm knocked out the phone service. Hahaha, you’re stuck here! Tom reacts by punching his pillows. If he were Todd, it probably would have been Marielle.
Chapter Eight
At lunch, Liz is telling Nina, Winston, and Denise the exciting story of how Jessica set their room on fire with her scarf of stupidity. It’s not really that exciting: Liz put the fire out with Jessica’s new leather jacket. I bet that smelled delightful. And thus ends the comic relief portion of this book.
Liz calls the airport and finds out that Tom’s flight has been delayed. She and Jessica make plans for later in the week to shop for party supplies. Boring scene.
Tom goes for a walk in the rain and sees that today’s headline is: “Another Woman Murdered” He takes the time to read the article, which is about a vampiric serial killer who drains his victims’ blood. He goes back to the house and snoops around. Hmm, what’s this in the basement? Why, it’s a long wooden box about the right size for a person! Whatever could that be? Marielle interrupts to say it’s time to go to the airport. Tom and Nicholas say goodbye and Tom tells him about the serial killer. Nicholas is like, why the fuck are you telling me about this? Tom feels awkward about that and about snooping, but not about, you know, a famous journalist keeping coffins in his basement. That’s not awkward at all.
Chapter Nine
Tom and Liz are reunited and act as if they haven’t seen each other in two years instead of just TWO DAYS. Losers.
Nicholas takes the red-eye to Sweet Valley. “These red-eye flights are murder, aren’t they?” says his seatmate. Hurr. He thinks about eating someone during the flight, but I guess he resists.
Tom and Liz go to the abandoned party mansion to do more exploring. The lights go out again, and Tom goes off to change the fuse. Then, in the dark, someone comes up and starts making out with Liz. She thinks it’s Tom, even though the person is a lot taller and thinner, and doesn’t kiss the way Tom does, because Liz is a moron. She likes it though, and thinks that Tom doesn’t usually kiss her that way because he’s afraid of turning her on too much. No, really. That’s what she thinks.
Jess is in the dorm room, picking furniture for her new room, and apparently charging everything to Elizabeth’s credit card. That’s…nice. Man if my sister (coincidentally also named Liz) used my credit card to buy things, I’d probably ToddPunch her! But something tells me this Liz won’t really care. Anyway, Liz comes in and Jess tells her she was speaking French in her sleep the night before.
Chapter Ten
Liz is at the TV station, even though it’s about ten pm. She goes to make herself some coffee and runs into a mysteeeerious stranger. He is described as being in his mid-twenties, tall and slender, pale with dark hair and green eyes, and wearing black jeans, a black shirt, and a black silk vest. How very hipster of him. In case you’re riding the short bus (with Tom), it’s Nicholas, here to ostensibly talk more to Tom about his “research” on the weakest story ever and to gain more information on him so he can nominate him for a scholarship. Liz, being the codependent girlfriend that she is, is willing to go off with this creepy stranger in order to tell him everything she knows about Tom.
Tom, having not spoken to Liz in a few hours (hours, mind you) gets worried and goes to see her at her dorm. But of course, she’s out with creepy Nicholas, so he leaves a “call me” message with Jess.
Nicholas totally thinks Liz is his reincarnated wife, and just thinks pervy thoughts about her while she tells him the story of how Tom saved her from William White. At the end of her story, Nicholas tells her that “death can be welcomed, like a friend. Like a lover.” Elizabeth’s eyes are “watching him blankly.” I imagine that happens a lot. He takes Liz home and makes her promise not to tell Tom that he’s in town and also to meet him at the beach the next night to ‘get more information about Tom.’ It’s implied that Nicholas is mind-controlling her, and that’s why she agrees….but honestly, Liz really is just that dense.
Chapter Eleven
Jess and Lila are moving furniture into the disputed bedroom. Jess reveals she is planning on decorating in an Arabian Nights theme, complete with mosquito netting. That sounds…horrendous. Jess obviously did not inherit Alice’s interior design genes. They gossip about Liz’s recent weirdness: talking in her sleep, and being groggy in the morning. That sounds like me and everyone else I knew in college, but when it’s Liz, it’s proof positive she’s under the control of a vampire.
Liz goes through Tom’s TV station files (to gather information for Nicholas, not because she’s a nosy snoop…although she is) It is revealed that Liz never called Tom the previous night, even though they always talk on the phone before bed. Oh for goodness sake. I hate Liz and Tom. Also, Liz thinks Nicholas is sexy and feels guilty about sneaking around behind Tom’s back with him. “It seemed so unlike her.” Except for, you know, all the other times she snuck around behind a boyfriend’s back. Then Tom shows up and he is pissed that Liz never called him. He asks her if she wants to get dinner, but (oh noes!) she’s meeting Nicholas tonight. She makes excuses and when Tom leaves she feels “bleak and old.” Kinda how I feel after slogging through this book.
Chapter Twelve
Jess is pissed because Bitchy Alison redecorated the disputed room in her own style while Jess was away. Then she hears Tom calling her name, and mocks him in her head. I love Jess in this book, she does all the snarking for me. Of course, he’s trying to find Elizabeth, and Jess is like, oh I thought she was with you; she got all dressed up. Open mouth, insert foot. Tom tells Jess to have Liz call him. Oh the days before cell phones. Then, Jess happens to see Liz getting into a Lotus Elan with a hot stranger and is just kinda like, so Liz is cheating on Tom. Huh. Oh well. She gets to her dorm and Lila calls. They gossip more about Liz.
Nicholas and Liz go on their date to the beach. She feels really weird about being with him, but decides she likes it. She basically went from complete devotion to Tom to cheating on him in about 100 pages. Go Liz. He gives her some (magic?) wine and they cuddle. He flatters her ego by telling her she has “many lifetimes of potential.” She’s like, little ol’ me? Tell me more! They make out.
Tom has moved up from punching pillows to punching his desk at the TV station. And we thought Todd was the violent one! It is revealed he has called all of Liz’s friends to try to find her, and I’m sure they loved that. But of course, no one knows where she is.
Chapter Thirteen
Liz and Nicholas are still making out at the beach. He thinks about biting her in the neck.
Flashback. Nicholas gets home from his peasant insurgence to find that all the servants thought he was dead, due to a Plot Contrivance…I mean, letter from some random dude. Lisette was so distraught that she killed herself, and her dead body has apparently been left to decompose in her bedroom. How…unsanitary! Nicholas pulls an Izzie Stevens and gets in bed with her and won’t get out.
In the months following, Nicholas goes into a downward spiral and tries to drink himself to death. Oh the irony: Marielle bites him in the neck and he wakes up in a coffin, doomed to immortality. D’oh!
Liz suddenly realizes she and Nicholas are making out and is like, what? No! Stop! Take me home! Cocktease.
Nicholas goes to a bar to drown his sorrows. “Pretty dead in here, huh?” says a barfly. Har har. The barfly is named Sheryl, and she is described as middle-aged, but with enough makeup on so that she looks younger. Her skin is sun-damaged. So basically, Sheryl is Jessica in twenty years. Nicholas eats her.
Chapter Fourteen
Tom and Liz have breakfast together and she acts totally normal, which confuses him because GASP!!! she wasn’t returning his calls. Nina shows up and the girls talk about the Monster Madness party, with Tom making sure to be a pill and make snippy comments to Liz about breaking promises. Jeez, Tom…if you want to ask her something JUST ASK HER! Nina feels awkward and leaves, and finally Tom is like, so is there anything you want to tell me? Elizabeth: No? *shifty eyes…obviously lying* Finally he gives up and they make plans to see a horror movie (doesn’t Liz hate horror movies? I’m confused)
Jess catches up with Liz somewhere on campus and Liz starts bitching about the sunlight hurting her eyes. AUUUGGGGH, SHE’S A VAMPIRE!!! Jess calls Tom ‘Puppy Eyes’ (hee) and tries to get Liz to spill about her mystery date, making fun of how codependent Liz and Tom are in the process. Jess, get out of my head! Jess tells Liz about the barfly murder, and then is like, oh gotta run, I think I have some class now, but she has to check her day planner to find out the room number. Hee.
Next we get a conversation between two maids (Marisol and Theresa…stereotypical much?) who have been unable to get in Nicholas’s hotel room to clean it. Because he sleeps all day. Because he’s a VAMPIRE. (In case you weren’t paying attention for the last 180 pages or so)
Jessica, because she’s awesome, is singing showtunes in her Jeep. Her boyfriend, Randy Mason reformed nerd, because he is the worst nerd ever, has to ask her what she’s singing. “Guys and Dolls, silly.” She’s taking him to see her new room, but of course, Bitchy Alison has wreaked even more havoc while Jess was out. Jess thinks it looks “like Laura Ashley came in here and threw up.” Hee! But to be fair, Jess, you were the one planning on decorating with mosquito netting. Yeesh.
Chapter Fifteen
Liz and Tom go to see (what else?) a vampire movie. It makes her super uncomfortable and she thinks that Nicholas would NEVER enjoy something so juvenile. No dear, he just enjoys doing it for real. Liz makes Tom leave, even though he’s enjoying himself, because she’s an ungrateful beeyotch. Tom offers to go back to his room but Liz thinks that all they do is make out and then one of them stops before they get into “dangerous territory,” I guess meaning, boobular area. She thinks it’s boring. (There are no words for how annoyed I feel at her on behalf of Tom right now) He takes her back to her dorm.
Nicholas melodramatics in the shadows about how “Lisette” is betraying him with Tom.
Dream sequence. Liz is running through the woods in a long nightgown (Definitely the best attire for spooky nighttime forest adventures, wouldn’t you say?). Then Nicholas shows up and they make out. He tells her to follow him…
Tom goes for a nighttime jog and for reasons of contrivance, decides to jog past Liz’s dorm. “What are you going to do? Stand under her dark window and howl? You are such a total loser,” he thinks. Hee hee! Hey ghostwriter, stop doing my job for me! He sees someone (he thinks it could be Nicholas) hiding in the shadows outside her dorm, and then he looks up and sees Elizabeth leaning out her window about to fall. Jump! Jump!
Chapter Sixteen
Tom tries to break into Liz’s room, but is stopped by her RA, Caryn. He keeps shouting and finally Caryn gets her key and opens the door. They pull Liz back from the window and put her in her bed. Tom gets all bent out of shape at Caryn’s suggestion that Liz might be on drugs. Tom tells Liz she was sleepwalking, and she’s like, No I wasn’t! Uh, okay. Except that you were. He offers to stay with her, but she refuses. Then when Caryn offers, she says okay. Dissed and dismissed! And for Caryn! Buurn.
Tom finds Jess at breakfast and she’s like, wait don’t tell me…my psychic sources tell me you’re looking for Elizabeth. He tells her about Liz’s sleepwalking episode, and they decide to keep an eye on her during the decorating of the abandoned mansion. Jess is a good sister here…it’s really throwing me off.
At the mansion, Jess tells Liz that both she and Alison spent the night in the Disputed Room in their sleeping bags, listening to each other breathe. Jess says she was too afraid to fall asleep because “[Alison] probably would have painted little hearts and flowers all over the walls.” Heh. She reveals she has gotten a lock for the door. Elizabeth: “you’re going to be the death of that girl.” I trip on the FORESHADOWING and hit my head on the coffee table, foiling Bruce’s rapey plans.
Tom reads an article about the vampiric killings in SV, thinking what a coincidence it was that there were murders in New Orleans while he was there, and now that he’s in Sweet Valley, similar murders are occurring here. OMG TOM IS THE KILLER!!!11!1 No, not really. But that would be a good twist, doncha think? This book is a wee bit predictable.
Chapter Seventeen
Tom researches both sets of vampire killings, finds the MOs are identical in both cities, and thinks, hmm…Nicholas was in New Orleans and there were murders, and I MAYBE POSSIBLY saw Nicholas here in SV where there are murders. This is kind of a big leap, but hey we have to progress the plot somehow. He decides to find out for sure if Nicholas is in town.
The twins get back to their dorm and find the room filled with beautiful white roses (and one red one). Jess thinks they’re from Randy, but the card says “We’ll be together tonight. -N” Liz just says N must be a secret admirer and Jess accepts this. Jess leaves and Nicholas calls to tell Liz he’ll pick her up at the party at midnight, and “then we’ll never be parted again. Not for all eternity.” Liz does not think there’s anything creepy about this whatsoever, and agrees. (Again, it’s implied that Nicholas uses mind-control….but would it be that unbelievable to the readers if he didn’t, and Liz was just that gullible? We know how dumb she can be…remember William White?)
Tom goes to the Sweet Valley Grande (a hotel) and tries to find out if Nicholas is staying there. The clerk won’t tell him anything. Tom wants to “grab the clerk by the lapels and haul him over the counter” (jeez, violent much?) but instead settles for waiting until he is distracted and stealing a Plot Device, I mean…print-out of the check in list.
Jessica finds that Alison has hack sawed through her lock, and put on a lock of her own. Not only that, but Alison is INSIDE THE ROOM THIS VERY MINUTE!!! Jessica tells her to drop dead. FORESHADOWING pushes me into the pool.
Jess goes around to the backyard to menace Alison through the window. I don’t really know how she will accomplish this, but it makes for some amusing mental pictures. Just then, Jess sees a mysterious person outside Alison’s window. She assumes Alison has asked her date to meet her at the window to make things more romantic. Because that makes perfect sense, right?
Chapter Eighteen
Tom calls Liz and she answers on the twelfth ring and then totally blows him off. He thinks that Liz doesn’t usually play mind games (scoff) and is usually so open and honest (right).
At the party, a band called the Teenage Zombies (gotta love Sweet Valley band names…I wonder if they get many gigs when it’s not Halloween) is playing, and Jess is dressed up as Catwoman (hee!). Liz is a witch, isn’t that her costume every year? It is also revealed that Lila, Queen of Awesome, has dressed up like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.
I have to admit that every time I read the name “Nicholas” in this book, I think of Nicholas Sorrow, Tragically Dead Regina’s brother and ponder how the series would have been improved had he been a vampire. Anyway, Nicholas des Perdu is hanging out in Alison’s room after having a sorority sister snack. He flees out the window before Magda and Denise find her all bloodless and gross.
Tom finally gets around to reading the hotel check in list (it’s not like there’s a MURDERER after your GIRLFRIEND or anything…take your time, Tom!) and there is no Nicholas des Perdu listed. (There is only one hotel in Sweet Valley, it appears) Then he sees there is an N. Ofthelost at the hotel. It takes him several minutes, (he thinks the name is Swedish) but he finally figures it out that Ofthelost = of the lost = des Perdu. Tom is slow. Also…worst alias ever, Nicholas!
Jess meets a Louis Miles at the party. This is set-up for the next book/arc I think.
Tom goes to the party and looks for Liz. He can’t find her, so he drags Jess outside and tells her, “’The guy I did the internship with, he was really strange…otherworldly.’ Jessica started to look angry.” Haha. Poor Tom is such a shmuck in this book. Anyway, he tells Jess he’s worried about Liz, and Jess tells him about the roses, and they decide to team up to find her. Instead, they find Denise, who tells them about Alison. (In case you were worried, she is not dead, because though Nicholas killed all his other victims, Alison is a main character, so he merely injured her. Wait…if he drank her blood and didn’t kill her, does this mean Alison is a vampire now?! This adds a whole new dimension to SVU!)
Chapter Nineteen
Nicholas tells Liz that first they’re going to New Orleans, and then they’re going to Paris. Liz: “Okay!”
Jess and Tom waste time looking for Liz at her dorm. Obviously she is not there. Tom calls the hotel and learns that “N. Ofthelost” has already checked out and is headed for the airport. Jess brilliantly suggests calling in a bomb threat. Tom: uh, no.
Liz and Nicholas arrive in New Orleans. She thinks weird thoughts about finally becoming a woman and leaving childhood behind. It kinda sounds like she just got her period for the first time.
Oh noes!! The flight to New Orleans is all sold out. Jess and Tom spend the night in the airport.
Nicholas introduces Liz to his servants as Lisette. We get this little insight into Liz’s psyche: “She liked the new nickname that Nicholas gave her. She was starting a whole new life, like a beautiful, exotic moth emerging from its chrysalis. It seemed fitting that she had a new name, too.” Whatever helps you get through the day, Liz.
Nicholas and Liz get to the mansion and he shows her to her room. She’s like, but what about you? Nicholas: “Tonight I sleep in my own….place. (coffin!) But it is the last night I’ll sleep there alone.” Liz blushes like a schoolgirl. Don’t get your hopes up, Liz…I don’t think they make two-person coffins for horny vampires.
Even Marielle is like, yeah she looks like your dead wife and all, but…are you sure about this reincarnation thing? Dude, when the undead vampire lady thinks you’re crazy, maybe it’s time to reevaluate.
Chapter Twenty
Tom and Jess fight on the plane over who is most at fault for the whole Liz-kidnapped-by-a-vampire-journalist thing. (Sorry, I love writing “vampire journalist” It’s so…I mean, what the fuck, Sweet Valley?) Exposition that Tom called the New Orleans PD and they didn’t believe him. What’s not to believe? Vampire journalists are practically a dime a dozen, right? I mean, I’m reading the book and I still don’t know if I believe it.
Jess feels pretty guilty about Alison getting attacked by a vampire (This is why, if you are a character in a “thriller” book, you should never tell someone to drop dead! It will happen, and you will feel like crap.) and realizes that if she had won the room, Nicholas would have attacked her instead. (Or, uh, mistaken you for Liz and tried to marry you…spoiler!) They comfort each other, and it’s kinda sweet. Not like that, sickos.
Liz wakes up and is like, what the fuck? She conveniently finds Tom’s notes from when he stayed there and decides she truly loves Tom and is going home to SV right away. Then she finds a painting, I guess of Lisette, but it looks like Liz, so she gets creeped out.
Nicholas wakes up in his coffin and thinks about sucking Liz’s blood. Tasty.
He brings her the wedding dress from the painting and tells her to put it on. She goes upstairs.
Liz is somehow…not under the spell anymore. I don’t know how that happened. I guess the magic of seeing Tom’s handwriting cured her? I don’t know. But anyway, she puts on the dress and then decides to call Tom. Of course Nicholas stops her. They make out and Liz is like, on the one hand: crazy, possibly a vampire. On the other, damn good kisser! Then he bites her neck and starts drinking her blood! Oh noes! I bet you weren’t expecting that, were you? I mean, Jonathan, for all his sparkly vampire-ness, never actually bit Jessica, did he? Anyway, Liz freaks out and manages to knock over a conveniently placed candle.
Chapter Twenty-One
Tom and Jess have conveniently arrived just in time to hear Liz screaming. They break into the house.
Nicholas catches Liz and sucks more of her blood.
Tom: unhand her! Nicholas: hahaha! Make me! *NicholasPunch* Then he throws Tom down the stairs and just as he’s about to hit him again, Jessica threatens Nicholas with a candlestick. Nicholas: wuh? Lisette? Tom gets away and oh yeah, the candle Liz knocked over started a fire.
Jessica thinks Nicholas is “a few accessories short of an ensemble” (heh. I love Jess.) but decides to play along. She tells him she changed out of her wedding dress because she “decided to go with a more, you know, casual look.” She starts thinking he’s kinda hot, for a dangerous, blood-sucking vampire.
Tom picks Liz up and carries her outside all heroic and stuff. Then he goes back into the burning house to save Jess. Because, okay…he’s kinda awesome too.
Nicholas goes to kiss Jess, but Tom clubs him with a random urn. She’s too dazed to move, so here comes the most awesome part of the book. I’m sorry, I can’t do it justice. This part is actually really really cool: “As if in a dream, Jessica felt Tom grab her roughly around the waist, haul her up, and jump with her through a closed window. In a terrifying explosion of wood and glass, Jessica felt herself propelled from a world of fear and flames and seduction into a world of blessedly cool night air. When she saw Elizabeth, she collapsed next to her. Then she grabbed her twin’s hand and passed out.” Awww. Yay Tom! And yay Jess! And yay ghostwriter cause that was freakin’ awesome!
Liz wakes up and is like, Jess! You saved me! And Tom is here too! They (Tom and Liz, that is) stare into each others eyes, and it’s very dramatic and romantic. Liz thinks she sees someone (“a shadow”) leave the burning house, but she isn’t quite sure….
Chapter Twenty-Two
Back at the dorm, Jess sweetly brings Liz breakfast in bed. We get closure on Alison, who is recovering, and can keep the room for all Jess cares. You know, cause Liz needs Jess right now and all.
Leaving the dorm, Jess intercepts a guy delivering a box of flowers (flowers come in boxes??) for Liz. She decides to snoop in the box (for Liz’s own good, of course) and finds a dozen roses, all white except for one red one. AAIIEEEEEE!!! She throws them right in the dumpster and goes on about her day.
The end. And even though it is implied that Nicholas has survived to stalk Liz another day, we NEVER hear from him again. I guess he goes back to being a regular old vampire journalist instead of a creepy stalking, mind-controlling, dead-wife-reincarnation seeking vampire journalist. All in a day’s work.