Nov 03, 2011 03:56
Sick. Perfect timing. Just when I need to be training for the staff cabaret.
Speaking of which, guys, the circus school has a staff cabaret on Friday, Nov. 18th. Shows at 7pm and 10pm (the later show is more... adult-style). I'm doing a doubles tightwire act AND a solo rope act. If you only see one circus show of mine this year, make it this one.
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The trouble is balance. No balanced situations. In the background, there's the girl who got over me much more than I ever got over her, but then drew me back into her life, but then is still more over me than I her.
In the foreground, the girl who's falling for me harder (and/or faster) than I am for her. We set out with the intention of dealing with our mutual sexual frustration and casually exploring things from there. Things have grown more real for her. I swear I'm mostly just getting too much credit (as I have so many times before) for being that guy who's less of an asshole than the other guys she's dated. In any case, for my part, I am in an unaccustomed role. Traditionally, I have been the one to seek commitment and seriousness early. I haven't been in the position of being the one whose connection-growth lags.
More than anything else, it feels like I no longer know how to make that kind of a connection. It's been almost 3 years since I was in a relationship, and closer to 3.5 or 4 since I was in a relationship that was serious and also not-long-distance. I don't know how another person fits into my life. Especially with a life that is so different from anything I ever had back when I was not single.
And then I wonder if that is justification for simply not being as drawn to her as she is to me. And then I wonder whether calling it simply a lack of spark and attraction is a coward's way out, avoiding facing some subconscious fear of connection that has grown. Basically I just don't know. I don't know how I feel, or why I feel, or why I don't know how I feel. And I don't know what to do about that. I always used to be able to just feel, and figure out the whys and hows later. I don't know how to do that anymore.
I am terrified of leading her on only to hurt her more if it is a lack of connection, but I can't deal with the guilt of hurting her with my indecision as I am right now. But I don't want to lose her. And then there's being too sick, stressed, and all around exhausted to deal with a situation like this.
As usual, I want everything, and, moreover, I want to be all things to all people. That fact complicates things, and is difficult to disentangle from all the rest.
I don't know what to do. I truly don't. Every path feels like the coward's path. My brain fights itself, and my heart has forgotten how to get involved.