Till Another Day
I have to admit, I'm not entirely sure how to write this. Even as I type, I'm not sure this is the right thing to do. I'm just not sure I can make myself wait for absolutes anymore. Somewhere, a leap of faith needs to be taken and I believe I've taken that leap in Divergence's favor enough. For now.
I think it's time I take a step back from my life, from the thing that has defined it for so long. It's been something in the making, I think, since the night I broke down into an emotional mess because of the place I loved and the person I misplaced my trust with. It made a wound that has, even unbeknownst to me, been festering. My own personal Brutus was a strong chain that was destroyed and, it would appear, caused something of a domino effect for me. I'm not going to make this about blame, because the choice to leave is all my own, but I hope to offer an explanation for those that want to know.
After Centrus, a crisis of faith in my friendships welled up in my heart. Things I had been willing to shrug off before became glaring truths I couldn't ignore. I had been alright with you, Sekai, being able to shut me out indefinitely when things got rough. I understood the life you had lived. I understood the weight of the people that had wronged you. I understood defense mechanisms. I was willing to try and find my way past your guards. But my world was shaken and I lost that understanding. It is my own responsibility for giving up on us, but I wanted more. I wanted an exchange that I could feel. I wanted to feel wanted. I felt you start to drift away from me, and this time I let it happen. I accepted it. Another of those strong chains was broken, and I was left with only strings and echoes, good memories that became hard memories.
You'll have to excuse my melodrama. This is incredibly hard for me to write. I wane into more despairing words when I am despairing.
Takua, you were always a good friend to me, but I don't think we ever quite made the connection I had with Ashley. I knew where you stood, whom you'd be next to no matter what, and I've been selfish. I needed to feel like, if the right situation arose, you wouldn't make excuses for her, but I never was inclined to believe that. And that's okay. Really. I commend your loyalty. It's why you're a friend to her like the sort I had run dry of. It’s something to be proud of. I don’t seem able to be that for her. That aside, I’ve watched you progress from the whackiest of solos to a well-sculpted sense of character. I’m proud of you.
Baron, should you stumble across this, you are one of the people I regret leaving the most. You actually, I think, could become the kind of great friend I need to survive my abode in the middle of nowhere. You have, again and again, shown the lengths you'll go to make me feel better, even when I don't deserve it. If there were more time, if I didn't need to do this, I think we could have reached that place. But...
Nighthand...well, what can I say? We're not really friends, but I wish you luck and happiness with Jess. She's a great girl and you make her happy. What more could be asked for?
I'm sure some of the blame will be placed with WoW, and you're absolutely right to. Playing WoW with a lifelong friend showed me what mirth felt like again. I felt again what I had been missing in Divergence. And I hope you're happy for me because of it. I can stop living a half-life of fear, too stubborn to leave my digital home, and move on to the next step. That's good, right?
I apologize for the Eventide Crescendo quest. Sincerely. IC, when they open the door to B2, Zan, Alana, Sidhe and Nemera will be at the front. Things will convulse and groan, hot light will flash, and everyone will be back at Mac Anu save the people I listed. Perhaps use that mystery as some kind of character intrigue. If there's something to be done, you guys will figure it out. You're wonderful writers. So talented. I was blessed to have worked with you for as long as I did. Tell Nights, if he doesn’t get his hands on this, that all of you - all of you - have shown you have the talent and the wherewithal to go into Main. I’m sure he can come up with a proper coma scene for all of you, when the time comes.
The reason I'm doing this here, the reason you will no longer be able to contact me on my phone or on AIM, is because I know you guys and I know you could resurrect my fleeting desires to stay and inflate them. I need to see life without Divergence, with the kind of friendships that make me grin again. I'm not strong enough to resist you guys or any of your words. Maybe that should tell me right there that this is the wrong move. I don't know. I will come back. One day, I will come back. I just don’t know when that will be. I don’t suspect it’ll be soon.
If you'd still like to keep in contact, excluding any Divvy talk, just let me know and I'll add you again onto my new screenname. Fresh start and all that jazz.
I do love you guys, as family. If you're going to be angry with me, at least don't forget that. No matter where my life takes me, know it. A part of me will always be there with you, holding up some truffles and bearing a fang-gleaming grin.
I think it's time I take a step back from my life, from the thing that has defined it for so long. It's been something in the making, I think, since the night I broke down into an emotional mess because of the place I loved and the person I misplaced my trust with. It made a wound that has, even unbeknownst to me, been festering. My own personal Brutus was a strong chain that was destroyed and, it would appear, caused something of a domino effect for me. I'm not going to make this about blame, because the choice to leave is all my own, but I hope to offer an explanation for those that want to know.
After Centrus, a crisis of faith in my friendships welled up in my heart. Things I had been willing to shrug off before became glaring truths I couldn't ignore. I had been alright with you, Sekai, being able to shut me out indefinitely when things got rough. I understood the life you had lived. I understood the weight of the people that had wronged you. I understood defense mechanisms. I was willing to try and find my way past your guards. But my world was shaken and I lost that understanding. It is my own responsibility for giving up on us, but I wanted more. I wanted an exchange that I could feel. I wanted to feel wanted. I felt you start to drift away from me, and this time I let it happen. I accepted it. Another of those strong chains was broken, and I was left with only strings and echoes, good memories that became hard memories.
You'll have to excuse my melodrama. This is incredibly hard for me to write. I wane into more despairing words when I am despairing.
Takua, you were always a good friend to me, but I don't think we ever quite made the connection I had with Ashley. I knew where you stood, whom you'd be next to no matter what, and I've been selfish. I needed to feel like, if the right situation arose, you wouldn't make excuses for her, but I never was inclined to believe that. And that's okay. Really. I commend your loyalty. It's why you're a friend to her like the sort I had run dry of. It’s something to be proud of. I don’t seem able to be that for her. That aside, I’ve watched you progress from the whackiest of solos to a well-sculpted sense of character. I’m proud of you.
Baron, should you stumble across this, you are one of the people I regret leaving the most. You actually, I think, could become the kind of great friend I need to survive my abode in the middle of nowhere. You have, again and again, shown the lengths you'll go to make me feel better, even when I don't deserve it. If there were more time, if I didn't need to do this, I think we could have reached that place. But...
Nighthand...well, what can I say? We're not really friends, but I wish you luck and happiness with Jess. She's a great girl and you make her happy. What more could be asked for?
I'm sure some of the blame will be placed with WoW, and you're absolutely right to. Playing WoW with a lifelong friend showed me what mirth felt like again. I felt again what I had been missing in Divergence. And I hope you're happy for me because of it. I can stop living a half-life of fear, too stubborn to leave my digital home, and move on to the next step. That's good, right?
I apologize for the Eventide Crescendo quest. Sincerely. IC, when they open the door to B2, Zan, Alana, Sidhe and Nemera will be at the front. Things will convulse and groan, hot light will flash, and everyone will be back at Mac Anu save the people I listed. Perhaps use that mystery as some kind of character intrigue. If there's something to be done, you guys will figure it out. You're wonderful writers. So talented. I was blessed to have worked with you for as long as I did. Tell Nights, if he doesn’t get his hands on this, that all of you - all of you - have shown you have the talent and the wherewithal to go into Main. I’m sure he can come up with a proper coma scene for all of you, when the time comes.
The reason I'm doing this here, the reason you will no longer be able to contact me on my phone or on AIM, is because I know you guys and I know you could resurrect my fleeting desires to stay and inflate them. I need to see life without Divergence, with the kind of friendships that make me grin again. I'm not strong enough to resist you guys or any of your words. Maybe that should tell me right there that this is the wrong move. I don't know. I will come back. One day, I will come back. I just don’t know when that will be. I don’t suspect it’ll be soon.
If you'd still like to keep in contact, excluding any Divvy talk, just let me know and I'll add you again onto my new screenname. Fresh start and all that jazz.
I do love you guys, as family. If you're going to be angry with me, at least don't forget that. No matter where my life takes me, know it. A part of me will always be there with you, holding up some truffles and bearing a fang-gleaming grin.