Anxiety
WARNING: Though I don't think I am, as my bad mood has a backing, those who easily and thoughlessly label things 'emo' shouldn't read the following.
I have a piece of advice for anybody who has been away from their friends for over a year and haven't had anyone to shelter your heart for just as long: do not lie in the dark listening to Coldplay on your iPod.
Those guys are practically designed to crush your spirit into a little ball. And, of course, being the naturally depression-based masochists that we are as human beings, you will listen to several of their songs (and even some other sad ones, to really drive the nail home) until you've exhausted yourself and you can finally sleep.
It's kind of funny. There have been times when I was fairly certain that 'Hey, I'm actually starting to get happy here.' And then, for even five minutes, I'm left in silence on my own and the lack of white noise makes all the bad come flooding back.
Last night, as I was saying, I was there listening to the music and the only light was the greenish glow from my cable modem lights. It wasn't much light, but it was still something. The moment I closed my eyes, I had the closest thing I've ever come to an anxiety attack. A part of me was convinced the sadness would swallow me up and I wouldn't be able to open my eyes again, that that feeling was all I'd ever be surrounded with again. It was fairly unsettling.
I'm sorry I've only had bad news to post as of late. I tend not to put the happy because I tell that news to everyone. Not many know about my LJ and that's because, for me, it tends to be where I vent all the blech.
I hope your nights went better than mine.
-Zan
I have a piece of advice for anybody who has been away from their friends for over a year and haven't had anyone to shelter your heart for just as long: do not lie in the dark listening to Coldplay on your iPod.
Those guys are practically designed to crush your spirit into a little ball. And, of course, being the naturally depression-based masochists that we are as human beings, you will listen to several of their songs (and even some other sad ones, to really drive the nail home) until you've exhausted yourself and you can finally sleep.
It's kind of funny. There have been times when I was fairly certain that 'Hey, I'm actually starting to get happy here.' And then, for even five minutes, I'm left in silence on my own and the lack of white noise makes all the bad come flooding back.
Last night, as I was saying, I was there listening to the music and the only light was the greenish glow from my cable modem lights. It wasn't much light, but it was still something. The moment I closed my eyes, I had the closest thing I've ever come to an anxiety attack. A part of me was convinced the sadness would swallow me up and I wouldn't be able to open my eyes again, that that feeling was all I'd ever be surrounded with again. It was fairly unsettling.
I'm sorry I've only had bad news to post as of late. I tend not to put the happy because I tell that news to everyone. Not many know about my LJ and that's because, for me, it tends to be where I vent all the blech.
I hope your nights went better than mine.
-Zan