Is it giving up?
Hello again journal,
I realized something this night. I'm not as crazy as I build myself up to be. I couldn't do it - I couldn't finish my assignments. Any of them. (Well, I did complete the majority of one, but that aside)
Really, the kicker was Combinatorics. It's advanced if you didn't know. I decided it would be best to read through the class notes first, this is what I typically do. Before every assignment is due, I'll quickly learn the course material and then get it done. But I couldn't do it tonight.
There's probably a reason why I couldn't, perhaps my illness or tiredness, but that aside I've learned a lesson - I have to start doing things the better way. I stopped looking at the sheet, my eyes going blurry at the sight, and realized - I could maybe finish one or two questions of this assignment, but I wouldn't truly understand it. What use would it be to me? So I stopped. It's giving up many would say - I'm a sloth, too lazy for my own good. But I wasn't thinking, "I'm tired, I want sleep." In fact, I was thinking something entirely different, something you wouldn't expect to hear from me... "I need help." I can't do it anymore alone, I can't be this loner. Sure I could walk through everything the hard way, and I'll learn things along the way, but it's not going to teach me everything - And it's very lonely on this road.
This realization goes beyond the bounds of school and homework. This extends to my friends, how I work, my habits, how I treat people... I need to ask for help from time to time. I'm a loner by heart, and it's generally the path I'll take; That doesn't mean I can't ask for directions from time to time, or sit down and admire the roses with someone.
So I don't think it's giving up. I think this is something I've needed for a long time. Help is what I need, not to hammer at things the hard way. I need to push myself to stop sitting in rooms alone, or to sit in a room alone when it really is necessary.
Anyways, that's enough time for sleep I've taken.
Sincerely,
E.L
I realized something this night. I'm not as crazy as I build myself up to be. I couldn't do it - I couldn't finish my assignments. Any of them. (Well, I did complete the majority of one, but that aside)
Really, the kicker was Combinatorics. It's advanced if you didn't know. I decided it would be best to read through the class notes first, this is what I typically do. Before every assignment is due, I'll quickly learn the course material and then get it done. But I couldn't do it tonight.
There's probably a reason why I couldn't, perhaps my illness or tiredness, but that aside I've learned a lesson - I have to start doing things the better way. I stopped looking at the sheet, my eyes going blurry at the sight, and realized - I could maybe finish one or two questions of this assignment, but I wouldn't truly understand it. What use would it be to me? So I stopped. It's giving up many would say - I'm a sloth, too lazy for my own good. But I wasn't thinking, "I'm tired, I want sleep." In fact, I was thinking something entirely different, something you wouldn't expect to hear from me... "I need help." I can't do it anymore alone, I can't be this loner. Sure I could walk through everything the hard way, and I'll learn things along the way, but it's not going to teach me everything - And it's very lonely on this road.
This realization goes beyond the bounds of school and homework. This extends to my friends, how I work, my habits, how I treat people... I need to ask for help from time to time. I'm a loner by heart, and it's generally the path I'll take; That doesn't mean I can't ask for directions from time to time, or sit down and admire the roses with someone.
So I don't think it's giving up. I think this is something I've needed for a long time. Help is what I need, not to hammer at things the hard way. I need to push myself to stop sitting in rooms alone, or to sit in a room alone when it really is necessary.
Anyways, that's enough time for sleep I've taken.
Sincerely,
E.L