"December" meme post #6b: "things ending, things beginning"
It's been almost three weeks (!) since I answered the first half of 
silveradept's prompt, and I still have the same thought for the "things beginning" part as I did then, so I guess I should actually write it down, even though I'm still not totally sure it fits, exactly. But I'm thinking of this in terms of "trying to begin a new habit/ritual/way of thinking".
Around the end of the year, when people were posting about goals and resolutions, several of you talked about having a word or a concept for the year, something to focus on and word towards bringing into your life. I've never been much for/much good at resolutions, but I like the idea of a fresh start or something at the beginning of the year*, so I read all of those posts with interest. And someone also linked to this post about choosing a word, and that article both made me feel like "yes, good idea" and stalled me out. Because I feel as if choosing a word should be a thoughtful, meditative process--who do I want to be? What will help me move in that direction?--but at the same time, the word that the writer used as an example jumped out and stuck for me. I tried to step back a bit and think about various words anyway, and when that was all I could think of, I worried that I was just taking an easy route. But, well, we're nearing the end of January, and nothing else has come to me, so I think I'm going to go with it and see if anything happens. Better to focus on and contemplate something that spend the same amount of time looking for a closer-to-perfect one, right?
The word is "release", and the article talks about how it could come up for someone in place of something like "get organized", how it could stand in for trying to let go of physical clutter, but could then also evolve into releasing other things: resentment, fear, etc.
And I hold on to things. I hold on to physical things because I'm sentimental about some objects and prone to the cycle of "but what if I get rid of it and need it later?" with others. It's easier for me to let go of possessions if I believe that can be of use to someone else, but often they can't. Often it's a choice between keeping something and knowing it's probably going to wind up in a landfill, unless it happens to be recyclable.
I also hold on to emotions, and unfortunately, given my brain's wiring, I find it much easier to hold on to negative ones. One thing for which I'm intensely, consciously grateful is that it's hard to make me angry on a personal level. (A systemic level is a whole 'nother thing. On that level I'm basically angry all the time.) I get upset or anxious or frustrated easily, but not truly mad, and that is a Very Good Thing, because once I do, I have a hell of a time letting go of it entirely. If it's someone I'm in an actual relationship with, where there's real communication and trust, I can usually let go of the actual anger, but it's hard to let go of the fact that it was there, even if I come to feel different emotions when I think about it. And that would be one thing, but if it's not someone who fits into those parameters, it just...doesn't go away entirely. I may not think about it often--months or years can go by--but if something reminds me, I'm still genuinely angry. I'm merely grumpy about my entire experience with my university's music department, but I'm still angry at my voice teacher from that year. I'm still angry at one of the instructors I had during my last year of education. (For SO MANY REASONS. And yet I don't remember her name, and wouldn't know her if I fell over her. How messed up is that?)
Those are examples that come most readily to mind that aren't more complex (like some things with my immediate family, frex). They're old, banked feelings, and the fact that they can still be stirred is a) upsetting and b) blatantly unhealthy. It is, as they say, not good for the soul (literally or metaphorically, as you choose).
I don't know if I can learn to let go of those old angers, but trying sure can't hurt.
And of course there's a whole range of other emotions I'd like to be better at letting go of: various anxieties, terror(/perfectionism/despair) about my writing... Not to mention what I wish I could at least think was a comprehensive list of every stupid and/or potentially hurtful thing I've ever said or done, but of course on top of the fretting over specific things I remember there's the eternal knowledge that I'm forgetting an infinite number of things. (Yeah, I know, that falls under "anxiety". Trust me, I know.)
There's probably something to be said here about holding on to relationships, too, but that would require a lot more thought to turn into anything coherent.
*I keep wondering, every time I see someone talking about how January 1 isn't where they feel the year begins, on a personal level, if it's the right time for me...but I have no other clear option. My faith tradition doesn't mark it at another time, but New Year's Eve/Day doesn't feel like anything to me (other than being a holiday celebration I actively dislike).
Originally posted at http://umadoshi.dreamwidth.org/573610.html. Comment here if you like, or comment there using OpenID. Comments at DW:
silveradept's prompt, and I still have the same thought for the "things beginning" part as I did then, so I guess I should actually write it down, even though I'm still not totally sure it fits, exactly. But I'm thinking of this in terms of "trying to begin a new habit/ritual/way of thinking".
Around the end of the year, when people were posting about goals and resolutions, several of you talked about having a word or a concept for the year, something to focus on and word towards bringing into your life. I've never been much for/much good at resolutions, but I like the idea of a fresh start or something at the beginning of the year*, so I read all of those posts with interest. And someone also linked to this post about choosing a word, and that article both made me feel like "yes, good idea" and stalled me out. Because I feel as if choosing a word should be a thoughtful, meditative process--who do I want to be? What will help me move in that direction?--but at the same time, the word that the writer used as an example jumped out and stuck for me. I tried to step back a bit and think about various words anyway, and when that was all I could think of, I worried that I was just taking an easy route. But, well, we're nearing the end of January, and nothing else has come to me, so I think I'm going to go with it and see if anything happens. Better to focus on and contemplate something that spend the same amount of time looking for a closer-to-perfect one, right?
The word is "release", and the article talks about how it could come up for someone in place of something like "get organized", how it could stand in for trying to let go of physical clutter, but could then also evolve into releasing other things: resentment, fear, etc.
And I hold on to things. I hold on to physical things because I'm sentimental about some objects and prone to the cycle of "but what if I get rid of it and need it later?" with others. It's easier for me to let go of possessions if I believe that can be of use to someone else, but often they can't. Often it's a choice between keeping something and knowing it's probably going to wind up in a landfill, unless it happens to be recyclable.
I also hold on to emotions, and unfortunately, given my brain's wiring, I find it much easier to hold on to negative ones. One thing for which I'm intensely, consciously grateful is that it's hard to make me angry on a personal level. (A systemic level is a whole 'nother thing. On that level I'm basically angry all the time.) I get upset or anxious or frustrated easily, but not truly mad, and that is a Very Good Thing, because once I do, I have a hell of a time letting go of it entirely. If it's someone I'm in an actual relationship with, where there's real communication and trust, I can usually let go of the actual anger, but it's hard to let go of the fact that it was there, even if I come to feel different emotions when I think about it. And that would be one thing, but if it's not someone who fits into those parameters, it just...doesn't go away entirely. I may not think about it often--months or years can go by--but if something reminds me, I'm still genuinely angry. I'm merely grumpy about my entire experience with my university's music department, but I'm still angry at my voice teacher from that year. I'm still angry at one of the instructors I had during my last year of education. (For SO MANY REASONS. And yet I don't remember her name, and wouldn't know her if I fell over her. How messed up is that?)
Those are examples that come most readily to mind that aren't more complex (like some things with my immediate family, frex). They're old, banked feelings, and the fact that they can still be stirred is a) upsetting and b) blatantly unhealthy. It is, as they say, not good for the soul (literally or metaphorically, as you choose).
I don't know if I can learn to let go of those old angers, but trying sure can't hurt.
And of course there's a whole range of other emotions I'd like to be better at letting go of: various anxieties, terror(/perfectionism/despair) about my writing... Not to mention what I wish I could at least think was a comprehensive list of every stupid and/or potentially hurtful thing I've ever said or done, but of course on top of the fretting over specific things I remember there's the eternal knowledge that I'm forgetting an infinite number of things. (Yeah, I know, that falls under "anxiety". Trust me, I know.)
There's probably something to be said here about holding on to relationships, too, but that would require a lot more thought to turn into anything coherent.
*I keep wondering, every time I see someone talking about how January 1 isn't where they feel the year begins, on a personal level, if it's the right time for me...but I have no other clear option. My faith tradition doesn't mark it at another time, but New Year's Eve/Day doesn't feel like anything to me (other than being a holiday celebration I actively dislike).
Originally posted at http://umadoshi.dreamwidth.org/573610.html. Comment here if you like, or comment there using OpenID. Comments at DW: