(no subject)
Haven't written in this thing for a long time. therefore you can probably guess what i'm feelin right now. it's one of those odd nights where nothing really matters except trying to figure out what the contents of my brain are. Now i'm not really used to dealing with an excess of feeling so i did the natural thing when confronted with this situation: i got drunk. I started out with a half bottle of Monkey Bay Chardonnay, and then i moved to old faithful, the gin and tonic. during my second one of these i switched on the TV. Then on comes the stoners dream movie: Waking Life. if you haven't seen this movie, you should wait until you're good and High or Drunk otherwise it's going to sound like a load of bullshit. However being in the state i was in a lot of it started to make sense. Dreams are just the reality we want to make true during our waking hours but are afraid to or don't believe we can make true. However, knowing this doesn't really help me at all. What difference will it make in my life? Tomorrow i'm gonna go into work with the same attitude and dysfunction tha t i've been bringing to the job ever since i got here. True: our boss is a moron who doesn't really understand the consequences of hiring two RIT students; but at the same time i'm a concious intelligent person who has a choice to make and i make it every minute that i'm at work and i'm not giving the job my all. It's true that he's not paying me enough to even come close to my ability to pay for my live in this location and continue to work for him, but at the same time it beats being at home and feeling like a complete loser. Or would i feel like a loser? My mom is great. So what if i don't have any friends back in hampton, it's not like I have friends here in Long Island where i'm hesitant to go out at night because i'm tortured by the stereotypes others have set for me. At the same time i'm convinced that i myself am the creation of these stereotypes and that if i only truly experienced this place for what it was i would see that it's not what others led me to believe. In fact, i'm almost sure of this point. This movie that i'm watching now is called "Imaginary Friends" and it's about a kid who is almost twice as mixed up with his interpretation of this world as i am. At the same time this checkout clerk is hitting on Sigourney Weaver and i'm like 'WTF! this isn't reality!'. But maybe it is and i'm just missing out. If this was true then i'm probably cheating myself out of a lot of life. And that brings me to my final point: maybe i'm afraid to exprience all that life has to offer me. I think i'm finally realizing now that this MMORPG shit has really taken over my life. It has caused me to fucking be kicked out of school for a year. But then again it's not really the game itself, it's my addiction to it. Then again my only motifiers these days, the things that cause me to do things, are things like WoW, Alcohol, and boredom. Doesn't sound very exciting to you huh? Well it was for me, for a while, but i'm slowly realizing the fact that these things bring me no long lasting emotional advancement. Nights like this make me realize i may need to rethink my whole personal plan for excitement and enjoyability for the future. After all, isn't everything we do a part of our plan for long term emotional postivity? On this i shall think, and drink...