In a rut
My will, once fueled by arrogance, now wanes as it never has before.
Feelings of loss and being lost...simultaneously rapid-firing, bringing guilt, regret, and worse. I don't know what to do now. Hopefully this will change. But now, more that ever, do I feel that emotions of distress outweigh the number of those of pleasureful experience...and I'm just beginning to scratch this surface...I know not the names of the emotions I am having anymore even. I want to do more for others...so many are doing so much for me...from Matt, whom I owe $4 to my core 4 friends from my high school years which i don't know if I would have been Adam as I am known, I owe, owe, owe right now. I wish there was something i could do for all of you...but i can neither get everyone together anymore, nor afford anything material to help prove such...It's emotionally invoking. Just seeing what those I love are going through, and knowing there is worse elsewhere just compounds and aggravates these emotions and feelings of helplessness...I feel fragile, brittle, even terrified...What can one man do? Especially one so dependent on others that if something were to happen to him/her that his/her life as they knew it would be over? Although I pay most of my way here, I realize how impossible it would be for me to sustain life as it is without my wide array of my friends and family. What it is that has sparked these sudden feelings, I have not discovered. Someone suggested to me that it might be a lack of something in my life...This somehow rang really true in my head, for what reason, i don't know. Is it...that "biological clock?" I can't remember the last time I had feelings of wanting to be truly alone...Now, i feel the most comfort in others, like i never did before...It seems as tragedy increases, independent ability to cope with such decreases, as if it is slowly used up over time...
I guess i just...need.
Feelings of loss and being lost...simultaneously rapid-firing, bringing guilt, regret, and worse. I don't know what to do now. Hopefully this will change. But now, more that ever, do I feel that emotions of distress outweigh the number of those of pleasureful experience...and I'm just beginning to scratch this surface...I know not the names of the emotions I am having anymore even. I want to do more for others...so many are doing so much for me...from Matt, whom I owe $4 to my core 4 friends from my high school years which i don't know if I would have been Adam as I am known, I owe, owe, owe right now. I wish there was something i could do for all of you...but i can neither get everyone together anymore, nor afford anything material to help prove such...It's emotionally invoking. Just seeing what those I love are going through, and knowing there is worse elsewhere just compounds and aggravates these emotions and feelings of helplessness...I feel fragile, brittle, even terrified...What can one man do? Especially one so dependent on others that if something were to happen to him/her that his/her life as they knew it would be over? Although I pay most of my way here, I realize how impossible it would be for me to sustain life as it is without my wide array of my friends and family. What it is that has sparked these sudden feelings, I have not discovered. Someone suggested to me that it might be a lack of something in my life...This somehow rang really true in my head, for what reason, i don't know. Is it...that "biological clock?" I can't remember the last time I had feelings of wanting to be truly alone...Now, i feel the most comfort in others, like i never did before...It seems as tragedy increases, independent ability to cope with such decreases, as if it is slowly used up over time...
I guess i just...need.