(no subject)
livejournal is out of style i know but it feels like this is the only place i can really express myself right now because i feel as though i cant trust anyone and that everyone is against me..i've had a rough couple months..my grandmother died in september and it has really torn me apart and nothing has really gone well for me since then..i feel as though i have no one to really talk to here but othertimes i feel like i have everyone in the world. jon has been a part of my life for a while and i'm greatful for him but it seems as though now we have outgrown eachother in some ways, all we do is argue about insignificant things and no matter what he cant just give me freedom..if its not one thing its another..
on top of that i've been talking to kenny again and remembering things for a long time ago and realizing how hurt i've been by people who were supposed to be my "friends"..this includes meaghan and how she went out with my exboyfriend ricky and the more i think about it the more hurt i am and also how hurt i am by him and things that happened in the past and how kenny has always been there for me even though sometimes i havent truely appreciated him and how i havent really talked to karaline lately or stacy and i just feel as though i've cut myself off from people and honestly it hurts and i dont know what to do with myself..
if it wasnt for the barn i dont know what i would do with myself even though sometimes i dont feel as though i'm good enough to be on the team because i never get to ride other than practice until second tri..i rode wizard the other night and i felt like shit and thought i rode horribly, the next day at the show i was the only one not to bring home a ribbon and i truely felt so empty and useless..i just wanted to cry but i kept it in..i just held it in like always..ever since i lost maybe and ever since i lost my gramma and i just dont know what to do anymore..i'm never happy, i'm never truly happy and it kills me..i'm bitter towards everyone even my parents and no matter what i do i cant stop myself from getting mad and everytime i do i feel so selfish..
i dont know myself anymore.
on top of that i've been talking to kenny again and remembering things for a long time ago and realizing how hurt i've been by people who were supposed to be my "friends"..this includes meaghan and how she went out with my exboyfriend ricky and the more i think about it the more hurt i am and also how hurt i am by him and things that happened in the past and how kenny has always been there for me even though sometimes i havent truely appreciated him and how i havent really talked to karaline lately or stacy and i just feel as though i've cut myself off from people and honestly it hurts and i dont know what to do with myself..
if it wasnt for the barn i dont know what i would do with myself even though sometimes i dont feel as though i'm good enough to be on the team because i never get to ride other than practice until second tri..i rode wizard the other night and i felt like shit and thought i rode horribly, the next day at the show i was the only one not to bring home a ribbon and i truely felt so empty and useless..i just wanted to cry but i kept it in..i just held it in like always..ever since i lost maybe and ever since i lost my gramma and i just dont know what to do anymore..i'm never happy, i'm never truly happy and it kills me..i'm bitter towards everyone even my parents and no matter what i do i cant stop myself from getting mad and everytime i do i feel so selfish..
i dont know myself anymore.