The suspenseful conclusive PART TWO
Part One found here
Right, so where was I?
School's coming up, and I'm about to start. Nothing has really been done regarding the financial aspect of film school, which really is the most important part. We all know college aint cheap, but film school is pretty close to med school. I've heard of people coming out of NYU with 170 thousand worth of loans to pay off. My folks were really unsure about co-signing, and they really didn't do much regarding that, as they thought there was some X factor I could do where I sign off on all of my loans. I, being without a full-time job or any credit to begin with, have no way to sign off on my own loans. Between all of the arguing and debating, I never made it chicago.
This "I'm working all the time to get by and have no time for straightening out school" theme recurred that winter (last winter for those keeping an almanac on my life), and again this fall. I never made it out there again to sign up for classes, but otherwise, I was OKed to sign up, just lost on the financial level. Since my parents have no desire to ever co-sign for any loans at all, I am to magically earn this money on my own. Like with the lottery, you know.
What's worse about this is that I'm not really getting any REAL support from anybody close. I know that sounds selfish to expect people to set aside their own problems to deal with mine, but whenever it's brought up, it always comes back to "just go to MCAD" or "Why not go to MCTC".
So yeah, I'm fucked regarding post-high school education for the time being.
What has happened though, is since I guess I've screwed this one up too many times, I find it hard to be around people who HAVEN'T. This doesn't apply to older graduates or degree holders, but just students. Any of my friends that are in school, I can usually only talk to them on a comfortable level about the other crap we usually shoot the shit over. When somebody brings up school, I can't talk about it. I just can't.
What's better, are when I'm introduced to classmates or friends on campus! When I went up to Victoria's campus, she needed to finish up some work at the theater she works at. She brings me to the backstage area, and I'm just SWEATING. Like pouring sweat. What was just discomfort has now turned into a fucking FEAR from being back there. She sits me down in front of these tow freshman guys. I was SHAKING. SWEATING AND SHAKING, as if these guys were about to put me on the guillotine. I had to look like I needed a crack fix, it was just downright awful. Why? I have no clue. I can't stare students in the eye knowing that I could at least be in their position, that i SHOULD be in that position. And i'm not. I'm flipping fucking donuts (and I'm damn good at it, but that's not the point). When people have bad days, what gets them through those are the realization that they are going to have a better one sometime soon. They might not have one within that same month, or maybe even the same year, but they are working towards a better future than the bullshit they have to deal with that day. Me? Nothing. Not a thing. Zero. I live for every wednesday, that's about it. I'm no longer even living for other people, I gave that one up a couple months ago, which was pretty liberating. This is all for me, and that's how it's going to be until some shit goes down. Selfish? I don't care. I'm afraid of fucking STUDENTS.
Why am I going through all of this? Because nobody seems to understand why I'm not in the mood to hang out with them on their campus. This isn't just one person, like you all may be thinking. Within the last week, I was called up and offered a fun nasty weekend involving large consumptions of alcohol up at UMD, where a lot of my old friends go to school, as well as mankato for the halloween or homecoming party/riot. Victoria's always trying to get me up on her campus, but even dropping her off at her apartment in St. Cloud ignites that same anxiety. I've rejected all these offers up and down, which is saying something about my "I need to party more often" demeanor.
Regarding my "Life's a bitch" statement. My work was driving me bananas, my beautiful car needed 400 dollars worth of repairs, I had three seperate parties simultaneously pissed at me about not going up to their campus, and my folks were bugging me about insurance payments. Now, I've payed the 400 bucks, my last full-time day of work is saturday, and insurance can eat my ass royally. I'll take my chances.
For all of you cool cats I emailed this to, sorry if it comes off like I was listening to Dashboard.
I still really hate dashboard confessional. There's still hope for me after all!
Right, so where was I?
School's coming up, and I'm about to start. Nothing has really been done regarding the financial aspect of film school, which really is the most important part. We all know college aint cheap, but film school is pretty close to med school. I've heard of people coming out of NYU with 170 thousand worth of loans to pay off. My folks were really unsure about co-signing, and they really didn't do much regarding that, as they thought there was some X factor I could do where I sign off on all of my loans. I, being without a full-time job or any credit to begin with, have no way to sign off on my own loans. Between all of the arguing and debating, I never made it chicago.
This "I'm working all the time to get by and have no time for straightening out school" theme recurred that winter (last winter for those keeping an almanac on my life), and again this fall. I never made it out there again to sign up for classes, but otherwise, I was OKed to sign up, just lost on the financial level. Since my parents have no desire to ever co-sign for any loans at all, I am to magically earn this money on my own. Like with the lottery, you know.
What's worse about this is that I'm not really getting any REAL support from anybody close. I know that sounds selfish to expect people to set aside their own problems to deal with mine, but whenever it's brought up, it always comes back to "just go to MCAD" or "Why not go to MCTC".
So yeah, I'm fucked regarding post-high school education for the time being.
What has happened though, is since I guess I've screwed this one up too many times, I find it hard to be around people who HAVEN'T. This doesn't apply to older graduates or degree holders, but just students. Any of my friends that are in school, I can usually only talk to them on a comfortable level about the other crap we usually shoot the shit over. When somebody brings up school, I can't talk about it. I just can't.
What's better, are when I'm introduced to classmates or friends on campus! When I went up to Victoria's campus, she needed to finish up some work at the theater she works at. She brings me to the backstage area, and I'm just SWEATING. Like pouring sweat. What was just discomfort has now turned into a fucking FEAR from being back there. She sits me down in front of these tow freshman guys. I was SHAKING. SWEATING AND SHAKING, as if these guys were about to put me on the guillotine. I had to look like I needed a crack fix, it was just downright awful. Why? I have no clue. I can't stare students in the eye knowing that I could at least be in their position, that i SHOULD be in that position. And i'm not. I'm flipping fucking donuts (and I'm damn good at it, but that's not the point). When people have bad days, what gets them through those are the realization that they are going to have a better one sometime soon. They might not have one within that same month, or maybe even the same year, but they are working towards a better future than the bullshit they have to deal with that day. Me? Nothing. Not a thing. Zero. I live for every wednesday, that's about it. I'm no longer even living for other people, I gave that one up a couple months ago, which was pretty liberating. This is all for me, and that's how it's going to be until some shit goes down. Selfish? I don't care. I'm afraid of fucking STUDENTS.
Why am I going through all of this? Because nobody seems to understand why I'm not in the mood to hang out with them on their campus. This isn't just one person, like you all may be thinking. Within the last week, I was called up and offered a fun nasty weekend involving large consumptions of alcohol up at UMD, where a lot of my old friends go to school, as well as mankato for the halloween or homecoming party/riot. Victoria's always trying to get me up on her campus, but even dropping her off at her apartment in St. Cloud ignites that same anxiety. I've rejected all these offers up and down, which is saying something about my "I need to party more often" demeanor.
Regarding my "Life's a bitch" statement. My work was driving me bananas, my beautiful car needed 400 dollars worth of repairs, I had three seperate parties simultaneously pissed at me about not going up to their campus, and my folks were bugging me about insurance payments. Now, I've payed the 400 bucks, my last full-time day of work is saturday, and insurance can eat my ass royally. I'll take my chances.
For all of you cool cats I emailed this to, sorry if it comes off like I was listening to Dashboard.
I still really hate dashboard confessional. There's still hope for me after all!