The day the world ended
So here we are again. Standing at the edge of the cold abyss and staring defiantly down into it, in the hopes that it won't stare back.
So many things have happened these last two years. It's been hell and more hell really and right now I am standing at a really bad crossroads and trying to make a decision. However, this decision may not even be in my power to make.
Sara and I've split up. I read the last LJ post a couple of days ago and after reading that I really don't know how it could take so long for us to give up. Or, for her to give up as it where.
It sucks. Might as well get it out there right away. I feel terrible about it.
So we've been apart for 9 months. And while that might seem like a long time, we haven't really been apart. We have Frej every other week and we've seen each other every tuesday as well. Even though she dumped me like a lightning from a clear sky the fucking day after her birthday, we lived together until march, where I moved into my own apartment.
We never stopped having sex. We've been having more, and better sex since we split up and that's all dandy and fine. Also, we had an agreement, that if we wanted to find other sexual partners we would alarm the other, so until further notice we would be exclusive.
Then everything changed.
We where standing in the kitchen one day and having a chat where I told her, that I was not angry at her for leaving me. Our relationship needed to either end or change, and since neither of us was capable of changing under the circumstance that we where still living together and taking care of our son I think her decision to leave me was right, even though she did it in a particular shitty way.
Now, we'd been apart and we've both grown a lot so I said, that I really wanted to give it a second shot. I liked her. I fucking loved her now, because she was happy, had lost a lot of weight, seemed like she had a lot of resources. Everything about her had changed for the better, and she was suddenly the girl I started going out with all those years ago.
So I said it. I went out there and did it.
She said okay. It sounded like she meant it. Like she wanted to give it a go, but she couldn't say anything at that moment.
Then we talked about our agreement and she told me, that she wanted me to go out and meet someone and have sex with them. She basically wanted me to do it first, because, at least that's what she said, she wouldn't be the first to do it.
I was happy about that arrangement. I met some girls, even went to far as to take one home with me (before this chat), but I didn't sleep with her. Or, I did, but no sex was involved. I couldn't. I just fucking couldn't see myself in a sexual situation with some dumb blonde I'd picked up in a drunken stupor, when I wanted to be with Sara. So I didn't and I told her about it and that I hadn't done anything. She seemed a little annoyed about that, even though I didn't really pick up on it at the time.
Anyway, then I went to England with some mates and at the conversation I asked her, if she could please not be with anybody else until after our date. I wanted to be with her, but I didn't want her to be with other guys for that short time. So I asked her, and she said yes, that was fine.
I came home from England on a monday and I went to her place that evening and she gave me great sex. It was awesome, we fucked like rabbits and I thought she'd missed me, it sure felt like it.
A week went by and then on sunday, she came to my place to give me Frej whom was to be at my place for the following 10 days.
After he was in bed, I started the conversation again, about how I wanted us to try again. I wasn't being pathetic or anything, I was just being honest.
Then, for some reason we came to talk about the sex thing again and she had to admit that she'd actually slept with someone else. It wasn't anyone I knew and it was a while back (but she made it out so it was looooong ago, it's like a month ago), I became angry and went down to the station for cigarettes. When I came back I said, okay. It's okay, it that's all of it, then that's fine, we'll work through it.
Then we went to bed, but Sara refused sex, which I found odd.
We where just lying there and listening to music and the low snore of our boy (we share bedroom him and I) then she became really gloomy and started to cry. She told me, that I was to good for her and that she didn't deserve to come back to me.
I knew what was going on, but I asked anyway.
She said she didn't want to tell me.
I told her I knew what it was, so she should probably just go ahead and tell me.
So she slept with someone else as well. While I was in England. Someone I know.
I told her to get out of my bed, put on her clothes and get the fuck out of my place. It was 2 in the morning, so she had to walk all the way across town to get home, but I didn't give a fuck. She fucking lied to me, straight to my face, first by promising something that meant a lot to me, then by shitting on that agreement and fucking a really nasty ass guy that we both know, and he is fucking ugly and a fucking dick.
So she wrote me a million texts and I just wrote her that she could do whatever the fuck she wanted, since her and me was so over.
I didn't sleep that night and when Frej awoke around 6 the next morning I was sitting, nauseous in the kitchen. I hadn't had a single minute of sleep so I was completely fucked.
I called my dad and told him the entire story and asked if we could go there so I could get some sleep and they could take care of Frej, and that wasn't a problem at all.
My dad gave me a sleeping pill, which resulted in that I slept 2 hours. I couldn't sleep more than that. I was hurting so fucking bad inside. I felt like I was hung over and had the flu at he same time. I couldn't even see straight, I just thought about fucking Lars and Sara whenever I closed my eyes. Couldn't get that image out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. It's still there.
So a couple of days went by and I had updated my FB profile with exactly how I felt about her and I deleted her as a friend and wrote all the single girls I know to see if they wanted to do something during the weekend. I didn't know what else to do. I felt so incredibly powerless and so incredibly sad and lonely and worthless. And I was aware that this was something SHE did to me, so I hated her, but I also missed her, because I'd said it was over. Was it over? I couldn't believe it was over. I didn't want it to be over. I wanted time to go back to a time where she actually liked me, where she didn't think I was just someone she could shit all over and then call her best friend.
I wanted her to die. I wanted he to seize to exist. I just wanted to never have met her in my life, because I felt so fucking bad that I could barely breathe.
So I called her.
I wanted to talk to her. The pain from not seeing her was worse than the pain from what she did and hearing her voice immediately soothed me somehow.
She came over that same night. She fucked the shit out of me.
And now. Now we've talked about trying again. We've been together a couple of times since and it's been good and it's been terrible.
When I fuck her doggystyle I do it as hard as I can so her stomach hurts and I just want to scream at her, "so is this how Lars fucked you?!" and when I come in her I feel like she's just a worthless whore.
And when I hold her I love her so much it's like I'm dying inside.
When I talk to her I feel a little like she's my best friend. And then I feel the painful sting of betrayal because I would NEVER do to her what she did to me. Then I look around and want to do to her EXACTLY what she did to me.
All my friends tell me to back out. Get away clean. Just leave it there, it was a good run, no need to do anything else about it. When I think about her with other men I feel like I have to puke and I sometimes do.
I have so many great friends and they've been really supportive. They tell me it's going to be better and I know it's going to be better, I'm not afraid of the future. But I don't want to live in the now. I don't want to hurt whenever I think about her.
Wednesday we're going out to an amusement park with a couple of friends and Frej. I don't want to go. I don't want to be around her.
Thursday we finally have the date we've planned. I told her I wanted it. I told her I wanted her, but the truth is, I don't know. I want to be a family. But I don't want to hurt. I don't know if I can trust her again. I don't know if I even want to try and trust her again.
But when I see her I miss her. And whenever she pops up in my mind I hurt, because I think about those two other guys who fucked my girl while I was sitting there taking care of the little one.
I feel like shit and I feel like I want to meet other woman. But I'm also afraid. I know I'll meet some. I've never had problems attracting the fairer sex, but I don't know when I'll meet them. I don't know what I'll say to them. I don't know if they'll make me happy and all these doubts just hurt like I'm running and endless mile through barbed wire.
I wrote Simari.
Why did I do that? Was it because I wanted to see her, talk to her, make contact again?
No.
It was because I wanted her to know how sorry I am that I fucked up everything. And I wanted her to know that I've been a nice guy to Sara. I wanted her to know that that abusive pattern I displayed with Simari had ended. I wanted her to know I hurt. I don't know why. Maybe because I wanted her to have some sort of closure and maybe some sort of revenge.
I miss her. Not her. But the idea of her. I miss someone like her. Someone who can make me laugh and doesn't hurt me. Sara hurts me a lot. She does it by saying I'm not good enough, by telling me I can't do anything right, by fucking other people and lying to me about it.
I don't want to hurt anymore. I feel like things have come full circle somehow, like I hurt a lot of people, especially Simari and now someone else hurts me. It could be karma. It could just be dumb luck.
I hope she reads this. But she won't. I don't think anybody will. I hope someone does.
I don't know what to do.
So many things have happened these last two years. It's been hell and more hell really and right now I am standing at a really bad crossroads and trying to make a decision. However, this decision may not even be in my power to make.
Sara and I've split up. I read the last LJ post a couple of days ago and after reading that I really don't know how it could take so long for us to give up. Or, for her to give up as it where.
It sucks. Might as well get it out there right away. I feel terrible about it.
So we've been apart for 9 months. And while that might seem like a long time, we haven't really been apart. We have Frej every other week and we've seen each other every tuesday as well. Even though she dumped me like a lightning from a clear sky the fucking day after her birthday, we lived together until march, where I moved into my own apartment.
We never stopped having sex. We've been having more, and better sex since we split up and that's all dandy and fine. Also, we had an agreement, that if we wanted to find other sexual partners we would alarm the other, so until further notice we would be exclusive.
Then everything changed.
We where standing in the kitchen one day and having a chat where I told her, that I was not angry at her for leaving me. Our relationship needed to either end or change, and since neither of us was capable of changing under the circumstance that we where still living together and taking care of our son I think her decision to leave me was right, even though she did it in a particular shitty way.
Now, we'd been apart and we've both grown a lot so I said, that I really wanted to give it a second shot. I liked her. I fucking loved her now, because she was happy, had lost a lot of weight, seemed like she had a lot of resources. Everything about her had changed for the better, and she was suddenly the girl I started going out with all those years ago.
So I said it. I went out there and did it.
She said okay. It sounded like she meant it. Like she wanted to give it a go, but she couldn't say anything at that moment.
Then we talked about our agreement and she told me, that she wanted me to go out and meet someone and have sex with them. She basically wanted me to do it first, because, at least that's what she said, she wouldn't be the first to do it.
I was happy about that arrangement. I met some girls, even went to far as to take one home with me (before this chat), but I didn't sleep with her. Or, I did, but no sex was involved. I couldn't. I just fucking couldn't see myself in a sexual situation with some dumb blonde I'd picked up in a drunken stupor, when I wanted to be with Sara. So I didn't and I told her about it and that I hadn't done anything. She seemed a little annoyed about that, even though I didn't really pick up on it at the time.
Anyway, then I went to England with some mates and at the conversation I asked her, if she could please not be with anybody else until after our date. I wanted to be with her, but I didn't want her to be with other guys for that short time. So I asked her, and she said yes, that was fine.
I came home from England on a monday and I went to her place that evening and she gave me great sex. It was awesome, we fucked like rabbits and I thought she'd missed me, it sure felt like it.
A week went by and then on sunday, she came to my place to give me Frej whom was to be at my place for the following 10 days.
After he was in bed, I started the conversation again, about how I wanted us to try again. I wasn't being pathetic or anything, I was just being honest.
Then, for some reason we came to talk about the sex thing again and she had to admit that she'd actually slept with someone else. It wasn't anyone I knew and it was a while back (but she made it out so it was looooong ago, it's like a month ago), I became angry and went down to the station for cigarettes. When I came back I said, okay. It's okay, it that's all of it, then that's fine, we'll work through it.
Then we went to bed, but Sara refused sex, which I found odd.
We where just lying there and listening to music and the low snore of our boy (we share bedroom him and I) then she became really gloomy and started to cry. She told me, that I was to good for her and that she didn't deserve to come back to me.
I knew what was going on, but I asked anyway.
She said she didn't want to tell me.
I told her I knew what it was, so she should probably just go ahead and tell me.
So she slept with someone else as well. While I was in England. Someone I know.
I told her to get out of my bed, put on her clothes and get the fuck out of my place. It was 2 in the morning, so she had to walk all the way across town to get home, but I didn't give a fuck. She fucking lied to me, straight to my face, first by promising something that meant a lot to me, then by shitting on that agreement and fucking a really nasty ass guy that we both know, and he is fucking ugly and a fucking dick.
So she wrote me a million texts and I just wrote her that she could do whatever the fuck she wanted, since her and me was so over.
I didn't sleep that night and when Frej awoke around 6 the next morning I was sitting, nauseous in the kitchen. I hadn't had a single minute of sleep so I was completely fucked.
I called my dad and told him the entire story and asked if we could go there so I could get some sleep and they could take care of Frej, and that wasn't a problem at all.
My dad gave me a sleeping pill, which resulted in that I slept 2 hours. I couldn't sleep more than that. I was hurting so fucking bad inside. I felt like I was hung over and had the flu at he same time. I couldn't even see straight, I just thought about fucking Lars and Sara whenever I closed my eyes. Couldn't get that image out of my head, no matter how hard I tried. It's still there.
So a couple of days went by and I had updated my FB profile with exactly how I felt about her and I deleted her as a friend and wrote all the single girls I know to see if they wanted to do something during the weekend. I didn't know what else to do. I felt so incredibly powerless and so incredibly sad and lonely and worthless. And I was aware that this was something SHE did to me, so I hated her, but I also missed her, because I'd said it was over. Was it over? I couldn't believe it was over. I didn't want it to be over. I wanted time to go back to a time where she actually liked me, where she didn't think I was just someone she could shit all over and then call her best friend.
I wanted her to die. I wanted he to seize to exist. I just wanted to never have met her in my life, because I felt so fucking bad that I could barely breathe.
So I called her.
I wanted to talk to her. The pain from not seeing her was worse than the pain from what she did and hearing her voice immediately soothed me somehow.
She came over that same night. She fucked the shit out of me.
And now. Now we've talked about trying again. We've been together a couple of times since and it's been good and it's been terrible.
When I fuck her doggystyle I do it as hard as I can so her stomach hurts and I just want to scream at her, "so is this how Lars fucked you?!" and when I come in her I feel like she's just a worthless whore.
And when I hold her I love her so much it's like I'm dying inside.
When I talk to her I feel a little like she's my best friend. And then I feel the painful sting of betrayal because I would NEVER do to her what she did to me. Then I look around and want to do to her EXACTLY what she did to me.
All my friends tell me to back out. Get away clean. Just leave it there, it was a good run, no need to do anything else about it. When I think about her with other men I feel like I have to puke and I sometimes do.
I have so many great friends and they've been really supportive. They tell me it's going to be better and I know it's going to be better, I'm not afraid of the future. But I don't want to live in the now. I don't want to hurt whenever I think about her.
Wednesday we're going out to an amusement park with a couple of friends and Frej. I don't want to go. I don't want to be around her.
Thursday we finally have the date we've planned. I told her I wanted it. I told her I wanted her, but the truth is, I don't know. I want to be a family. But I don't want to hurt. I don't know if I can trust her again. I don't know if I even want to try and trust her again.
But when I see her I miss her. And whenever she pops up in my mind I hurt, because I think about those two other guys who fucked my girl while I was sitting there taking care of the little one.
I feel like shit and I feel like I want to meet other woman. But I'm also afraid. I know I'll meet some. I've never had problems attracting the fairer sex, but I don't know when I'll meet them. I don't know what I'll say to them. I don't know if they'll make me happy and all these doubts just hurt like I'm running and endless mile through barbed wire.
I wrote Simari.
Why did I do that? Was it because I wanted to see her, talk to her, make contact again?
No.
It was because I wanted her to know how sorry I am that I fucked up everything. And I wanted her to know that I've been a nice guy to Sara. I wanted her to know that that abusive pattern I displayed with Simari had ended. I wanted her to know I hurt. I don't know why. Maybe because I wanted her to have some sort of closure and maybe some sort of revenge.
I miss her. Not her. But the idea of her. I miss someone like her. Someone who can make me laugh and doesn't hurt me. Sara hurts me a lot. She does it by saying I'm not good enough, by telling me I can't do anything right, by fucking other people and lying to me about it.
I don't want to hurt anymore. I feel like things have come full circle somehow, like I hurt a lot of people, especially Simari and now someone else hurts me. It could be karma. It could just be dumb luck.
I hope she reads this. But she won't. I don't think anybody will. I hope someone does.
I don't know what to do.