Blech.
Just felt like I needed to update my livejournal.
I'm not sure when I last updated (and I'm too lazy to check), so I'll just talk about somewhat recent things. In case anyone doesn't know, the new semester at HFCC is underway. I like my classes, even though I kinda feel like I'm taking the easy way out (Choir, Pantomime, Beginning Speech, and Basketball in a month)- and part of me wants a challenge. I wish I had something to whip me back into shape, but that's a different story.
I just got back from rehearsal for Alice in Wonderland. (In case you all don't know, I'm in a production of Alice in Wonderland being put on by the Rising Phoenix Society that opens next Tuesday. Also in case you don't all know, a lot of people have vowed never to be in a production by the Rising Phoenix Society, with good reason- a reason I am just now realizing.) I say "I just got back from rehearsal"- but what I mean is "I just got back from leaving work early so I could go and sit in Fordson High School's auditorium for five hours".
Back when I agreed to be in the show, it sounded like a good idea- and then, when we had our first rehearsal and I heard all about the awesome plans Ryan had for the show, I thought it was a great idea. However, over the last two months (excluding this week), I've been called to three rehearsals (if that), and to this day I've never done my one and only scene off-book (mainly because I haven't had a chance to run it since I learned my lines), nor have I ever performed my songs in conjunction with the scene itself.
In fact, on the topic of songs, not only did they take forever to teach me the song (and then never call me to any rehearsals to rehearse the songs), but TWO DAYS AGO (that is, a week before the show's supposed to open), they told me that the songs I had learned are being done completely differently- so I had to re-learn two songs in two days. So these last two days, I've been learning these two new songs, and both days (and for the next four weekdays) I had to skip work and class to go to rehearsals at Fordson where I thought I'd finally get to work on my scene and/or my songs on stage- but of course it didn't happen. I sat in the auditorium of Fordson watching them move set pieces around for five hours today. It'd be one thing if A. I wasn't missing out on work and class to be there, and B. there was more than FOUR DAYS before we're supposed to open. How the heck is the show going to be ready in four days if I (and I'm sure lots of other people) haven't even had a chance to work on my scene for the last month?
A large part of me wishes that Ryan would realize that the show isn't ready and cancel the whole thing. However, another large part of me realizes that that's just the quitting side of me that never wants me to get anything done, and then it makes me wish it would get better. I just wish it were all easier.
With each passing day I wish more and more that I had some more initiative. I'm beginning to honestly think that there's a medical reason behind the fact that I'm always exhausted, but a small part of me thinks I'm just trying to find an excuse to be lazy. But it's not just that I'm exhausted... I just never feel like the day is long enough. I have yet to feel a single day when I don't feel like my entire life is just being sucked away from me like light into a black hole. I continue to feel like I'm in a rut- physically, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually. I try to pray about it, but I feel like my prayers are just stagnant phrases floating in some pond. Is there anything I can do? I've tried to become more motivated, but it honestly feels like it's beyond my control...
I want to change, I really do. But I just can't seem to try and change it... I just can't seem to actually TRY to do anything. I feel like I'm completely at the whim of a non-existing force- but it's like that force is a part of me that died a long time ago. So I can't "try" to change the way I am, since the part of me that makes me "try" is dead. Or so it feels.
Not only does my life completely lack motivation and activity, but I'm haunted over and over again by thoughts I wish I didn't have. I wish I didn't lust after things that I lust after constantly, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to stop from lusting after them. Even if there was something I can do, as I said above, I feel like I can't even DO that.
I apologize if this doesn't make any sense, and I apologize if it does. If anyone has any pointers, I'd definitely like to hear them.
I'm not sure when I last updated (and I'm too lazy to check), so I'll just talk about somewhat recent things. In case anyone doesn't know, the new semester at HFCC is underway. I like my classes, even though I kinda feel like I'm taking the easy way out (Choir, Pantomime, Beginning Speech, and Basketball in a month)- and part of me wants a challenge. I wish I had something to whip me back into shape, but that's a different story.
I just got back from rehearsal for Alice in Wonderland. (In case you all don't know, I'm in a production of Alice in Wonderland being put on by the Rising Phoenix Society that opens next Tuesday. Also in case you don't all know, a lot of people have vowed never to be in a production by the Rising Phoenix Society, with good reason- a reason I am just now realizing.) I say "I just got back from rehearsal"- but what I mean is "I just got back from leaving work early so I could go and sit in Fordson High School's auditorium for five hours".
Back when I agreed to be in the show, it sounded like a good idea- and then, when we had our first rehearsal and I heard all about the awesome plans Ryan had for the show, I thought it was a great idea. However, over the last two months (excluding this week), I've been called to three rehearsals (if that), and to this day I've never done my one and only scene off-book (mainly because I haven't had a chance to run it since I learned my lines), nor have I ever performed my songs in conjunction with the scene itself.
In fact, on the topic of songs, not only did they take forever to teach me the song (and then never call me to any rehearsals to rehearse the songs), but TWO DAYS AGO (that is, a week before the show's supposed to open), they told me that the songs I had learned are being done completely differently- so I had to re-learn two songs in two days. So these last two days, I've been learning these two new songs, and both days (and for the next four weekdays) I had to skip work and class to go to rehearsals at Fordson where I thought I'd finally get to work on my scene and/or my songs on stage- but of course it didn't happen. I sat in the auditorium of Fordson watching them move set pieces around for five hours today. It'd be one thing if A. I wasn't missing out on work and class to be there, and B. there was more than FOUR DAYS before we're supposed to open. How the heck is the show going to be ready in four days if I (and I'm sure lots of other people) haven't even had a chance to work on my scene for the last month?
A large part of me wishes that Ryan would realize that the show isn't ready and cancel the whole thing. However, another large part of me realizes that that's just the quitting side of me that never wants me to get anything done, and then it makes me wish it would get better. I just wish it were all easier.
With each passing day I wish more and more that I had some more initiative. I'm beginning to honestly think that there's a medical reason behind the fact that I'm always exhausted, but a small part of me thinks I'm just trying to find an excuse to be lazy. But it's not just that I'm exhausted... I just never feel like the day is long enough. I have yet to feel a single day when I don't feel like my entire life is just being sucked away from me like light into a black hole. I continue to feel like I'm in a rut- physically, emotionally, and most importantly, spiritually. I try to pray about it, but I feel like my prayers are just stagnant phrases floating in some pond. Is there anything I can do? I've tried to become more motivated, but it honestly feels like it's beyond my control...
I want to change, I really do. But I just can't seem to try and change it... I just can't seem to actually TRY to do anything. I feel like I'm completely at the whim of a non-existing force- but it's like that force is a part of me that died a long time ago. So I can't "try" to change the way I am, since the part of me that makes me "try" is dead. Or so it feels.
Not only does my life completely lack motivation and activity, but I'm haunted over and over again by thoughts I wish I didn't have. I wish I didn't lust after things that I lust after constantly, but there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to stop from lusting after them. Even if there was something I can do, as I said above, I feel like I can't even DO that.
I apologize if this doesn't make any sense, and I apologize if it does. If anyone has any pointers, I'd definitely like to hear them.