long time no see.
two years two weeks ago i had a grandmother. two years six months two weeks ago she had a cold. six months. thats all that it takes for cancer to take a life. to spread and torment a person. its been very hard for everyone in my family and i feel like we have all fallen apart after her death. i feel like im emotionally retarded. i dont love right. i dont know how to display more than 2 or 3 emotions and i certainly dont know how to deal.
these past 5 years have been crucial times for me and i feel like i havent taken full advantage of all my opportunities and in some aspect i feel like ive failed.
this past years has by far been the most difficult. living with my parents is something that i never wanted to again. but here i am sucking up my pride trying to look past a weird depression to pick the pieces back up in my life. everytime i get close and feel the joy again. something falls and those pieces that im barely clinging to cut me and bleed me.
its better to love and have lost then never to have loved at all.
stupidest quote i think. my heart still aches. losing so many people. my grandmother, my aunt, lex, russ, aaron, the love of my life. so many people have been blessed with marriages and children and i am truly happy for them but it just doesnt seem right. why doesnt anyone else feel this way?
to top it all off, during my heartbreak with Sean...I found my father and his side of the family again. thirteen years later and i still want my daddy's approval. i think i hate myself for that. i hate that i cant hate him. i hate that i didnt yell, i didnt cry. i just talked...and listened. is this the grown up thing to do? im not sure exactly how i feel about it just yet. i will say that talking to my little brother derrick and sister kendra has been amazing. i have been so excited and for them...yes, there have been tears. guilt over being an adult for so long and not trying harder to be in their lives i guess. emotions that i thought i had dealt with have been brought to the surface. with those emotions and the emotions about my grandmother and other deaths..and meeting a new boy who i love, but not enough...im overwhelmed. i have no one to talk to because everyone is in such a different place in their lives and i feel like im just complaining.
to top it all off, while im dealing with this....Sean called me today out of the blue. to apologize. he loves me he says, but no promises. so hard. so weird. so not what i was wanting to have to deal with..
who am i kidding ive been waiting for it. hoping. wanting. wishing. but less and less everyday. damn him for calling so early. i wasnt ready yet. a few more months and maybe i would have put those feelings aside.
i dont know what to do.
im lost.
these past 5 years have been crucial times for me and i feel like i havent taken full advantage of all my opportunities and in some aspect i feel like ive failed.
this past years has by far been the most difficult. living with my parents is something that i never wanted to again. but here i am sucking up my pride trying to look past a weird depression to pick the pieces back up in my life. everytime i get close and feel the joy again. something falls and those pieces that im barely clinging to cut me and bleed me.
its better to love and have lost then never to have loved at all.
stupidest quote i think. my heart still aches. losing so many people. my grandmother, my aunt, lex, russ, aaron, the love of my life. so many people have been blessed with marriages and children and i am truly happy for them but it just doesnt seem right. why doesnt anyone else feel this way?
to top it all off, during my heartbreak with Sean...I found my father and his side of the family again. thirteen years later and i still want my daddy's approval. i think i hate myself for that. i hate that i cant hate him. i hate that i didnt yell, i didnt cry. i just talked...and listened. is this the grown up thing to do? im not sure exactly how i feel about it just yet. i will say that talking to my little brother derrick and sister kendra has been amazing. i have been so excited and for them...yes, there have been tears. guilt over being an adult for so long and not trying harder to be in their lives i guess. emotions that i thought i had dealt with have been brought to the surface. with those emotions and the emotions about my grandmother and other deaths..and meeting a new boy who i love, but not enough...im overwhelmed. i have no one to talk to because everyone is in such a different place in their lives and i feel like im just complaining.
to top it all off, while im dealing with this....Sean called me today out of the blue. to apologize. he loves me he says, but no promises. so hard. so weird. so not what i was wanting to have to deal with..
who am i kidding ive been waiting for it. hoping. wanting. wishing. but less and less everyday. damn him for calling so early. i wasnt ready yet. a few more months and maybe i would have put those feelings aside.
i dont know what to do.
im lost.