i am furious.
okay, not exactly FURIOUS, but, sometimes.
and i can be so cruel, i have succumbed to struggling for face, i confess! i have got my own jabs down and out. but i'm sad, mostly. and when a person tries to offend me, it is not what they say that affects me, but the intent. the fact that they really mean to hurt me. i really would rather that we love eachother, instead of hate eachother. i don't mean to offend, so stop being a pansy. we're all human, aren't we? the way i constantly say that, it is like i am defending myself. and, at the same time, i am instructing and reminding people of their own humanity. we are both human, you and i. unity appeals to me, what can i say?
i am horrified.
i've encountered this thing everywhere, for a long time. it's warfare. it's not a new thing really, but i don't always see it with such clarity. i'm pretty much always aware of it, like it's something in the air, in the back of my head, but just sometimes it suddenly becomes TOO clear that i'm surrounded by it. it's more than just something in the air, it's a heavy kind of choking atmosphere that's immediately been exposed. it's poisionous gases that choke the air, and black out the sun. it's something that becomes alive and real in itself, i can see it and smell it and i can't help but breath it in inbetween every human-contact. it's everywhere i go. and i'm horrified of it. i'm terrified, the kind of terror that makes me feel disgusted with what i am witnessing, and i make silly promises to myself that i'll never be a part of it. silly because i am already a part of it. horrified because of what i am.
go ahead, say it. here i go, judging everyone. how self-righteous i am! and you can call me self-righteous all you want in an attempt to jab me, but i'll only agree with you. and it's easy since i know that you feel self-righteous too, even down to the act of calling me out. it's a vicious cycle, this thing. it's what i hate the most. it's what offends me the most. being offended is offending. until we lose the sense of the word. this warfare between everyone and myself is exhausting me.
i say, we are all sentistive. i say, we all have bellies made up of bread, bellies so vulnerable and soft that a butter knife could cut us up. i am just as sensitive, i'm more sensitive. i'm the most offended and offensive. i say, you're a big fat pansy. a spoiled brat throwing baby tantrums. you think that the world owes you something, and you care little for anything/anyone else. convince yourself otherwise all you want, fight with yourself and struggle and let your ego be a liar to protect your own soft and exposed belly! but gravity will always be heavier than a mind, and there are truths and laws that will always over-ride your little delusions, and i trust, one day, that our silly subjective realities will crash when gravity catches up to us. for some of us, it will be bad. for some of us, it will be good.
meet the gossipers, they're everywhere: gossip must be the most common thing that people indugle in, while they attempt to have conversation. it's all around us, constantly. they are all talking about someone all the damn time, putting everyone down as carefully and politely as possible. maybe not always so politely or carefully. but it's ALL gossip, regardless of how careful you try to be. it's sick. the offended are all so sensitive, throwing tantrums over other people who have somehow threatened them. and they are so easily offended, no matter how hard they try to act like untouchable gods. they struggle to appear unphased. but their gossip reveals just how easily phased they are. threatened, they group together to make eachother feel better about the threat. they weed people out to keep themselves safe.
these people are so easily offended that when you do offend them, it's almost always BY ACCIDENT.
i see, for instance, jane-doe get snappy because a boy is questioning things, and it truly appears that he just wants to have a discussion about things that he, or others, might have doubt in. but she immediately takes it as if he were questioning her authority, as if he were challenging her! so she quickly retorts, "do i look like i need instruction?" along with more retorhic that is meant to offend. she is pride. she knows all. she cannot be taught.
when you know something, you are stuck.
i'm stuck.
meet jane-doe, we've all probably met her before: it's the girl who feels deep down inside that she knows all there is to know. that is, within her interests. she knows nothing else but nothing else matters. she feels she knows her interests intimately, like the back of her hand. she can not be taught or instructed. she is offended by the thought that someone else may be attempting to do so. who do they think they are?
she is stuck. she says, "do i look like i need instruction?" and simultaneously, "i need to instruct you. and you need to listen to me." her retorhic is meant to be offensive, but it exposes just how offended she is by submissing to another persons whim of thought, or mood. it is easy to offend and challenge her, even though she acts otherwise. anything you say will be offensive somehow. she will find a way to make jabs at you. she is a power-trip. she means to jab you and stab you until you're bleeding inside. it makes her feel powerful if you become offended. if you are offended, and attempt to poke her back with a pointy stick, then she will have won. she acts unphased, because it gives her more power. in the end, she reassures herself that she has affected you, not you her, and that she has conquered you. now she can continue to jab at you and continue to revel in your response, how you take the bait and dangle at her every moodswing. jane-doe and joe-shmoe are the same. only joe-shmoe is dangling, and he hates everything about jane-doe. his attempts to stab her goes unnoticed. he is furious. she unsettles him, because he is so little to her. he must conquer her, or he must convince himself somehow that what he is doing is better than what she is doing, thus making him feel powerful. he will never be like her! so he tells himself. everyone who is like her, he hates. but he becomes her towards anyone who allows him to. if they are somehow like her, and he get's a rise out of them, then he is more satisfied. but regardless, he jabs at any unsuspecting passerby, to assure himself of his own power, to gain face for himself. to feel better.
it's a war for domination. we're all power-heads. even within our tight circles and communities of family and friends, we establish a heirarchy unconsciously. a wolf-pack. a colony of ants.
jane-doe is comfortable with the position she has in her colony, so she is very unwelcoming to any strangers. they might threaten her position, or change it somehow, and she is comfortable where she is so she is not likely to openly welcome any outsider. in order for her to get to that point to welcome someone, she must jab them a sufficient amount of times until she is satisfied that they know where they stand. and when she accepts them, it will be on her grounds. if someone within her colony who she highly admires is immediately welcoming a stranger, she may feel subdued, jab a little, but be a little reclusive because those she highly admires affect her the most.
we are not all jane-doe, of course. or, we're different gradations of her. some more, some less, but she's still a part of us. even for the joe-shmoes who hate her. joe-shmoe feels insecure and unstable in his position within his own colony, so he is slightly more weaker, it is why he hates jane-doe. he just cannot gain face, so he flops around from colony to colony, hating everyone and jabbing at anyone he can, until he establishes a position that satisfies him and becomes jane-does clone.
it is instinctive, it comes naturally for us. and the ones who are unaware of it are the most dangerous, because they are so blind to what they are doing it is like they have the freedom to act outrageously and commit the cruelest acts. some people will NEVER like you, no matter what you do. you might not have done any damned thing to them. you might have said something a little too directly, that offended them. you might just exist, and they will hate you. they are hate and they breed hate. it is human-nature to hate. we are all at war, to dominate eachother. it is our basic animalistic instict, to tear eachother down.
i say, you are sensitive. is that too direct? is that too offensive? how wrong can i be?
i have been careful, here. i have let you all down gently, and made myself feel better for it. i am jane-doe and joe-shmoe, all at once. i've hated them just like they hate me. i never wanted to be like them, but i've become them. i know what i am, a little. i disagree with it. their ignorance and hatred is destructive, and nightmarish. i have felt that loathing. so now, maybe i can do something about it.
then maybe we can show the world how it's possible to make peace, and spread love. but more likely, i will probably just become more and more reclusive, if not physically, then mentally and emotionally. because the world is full of jane-doe and joe-shmoe, they call themselves christians and new-agers and satanists, they are athiests and agnostics and muslims. they say, "do not judge! you must tolerate! educate!" but they're all just a bunch of pansy haters. i wonder if i should tolerate such hate. i wonder if it's just a figment of my imagination. or maybe my manic makes it bigger than it really is. but my immediate reaction to that hate is to flee from it, and maybe cry. but not fight it the way they do, by personal attacks, although i am tempted and can't help myself sometimes. generally, i can be so nice to them and feel genuinely sorry for them. of course this gives me the satisfying sensation that i'm the better person in the end, and so, i am still dominating. only my domination is passive and secretive(unbeknowest to jane-doe). maybe that's the lovers way.
is it wrong to feel sorry? i don't think so, specially when you've aquainted yourself with those specific things. you know them intimately. you can feel sorry for ignorance the best when you know your own ignorance. you can feel sad because such cruelty exists, while knowing just how capable you are of being cruel. maybe SORRY isn't the correct word, but it sounded pretty. so think of a pretty sort of sorry. a gentle kind. how you can feel so much for something, almost endearing and mothering.
and let me instruct you, of course.
i am a little bit of a loner, i feel inferior to everyone and at the same time my ego get's so big i choke on it. i can't swallow it. and all the while i welcome everyone. i don't hate anyone, really. i hate what they might do, or not do. but i'm not an angry person, because i accept that some people just can't fly. or are slower to grow wings. we're all different. we're all human. i do not attack people personally- most of the time. i really try not to anyway, because i am aware of what it means. so i expose myself instead. i make myself personal, whether or not people take it. i make myself vulnerable to judgement and gossip, in my exposure, but somehow i have to do it. i feel compelled. i feel furious things sometimes and i have to tell somebody. i have to write it all down too sometimes, just in case i forget. in case i lose my memory. i sometimes feel like, maybe, i write to reassure myself that i have existed. i don't know whether that's good or not. but it's okay for now, so i do it.
maybe i'm too black and white, but i feel loose, and i try to unstick myself whenever i can. there are some things i'm stuck on, of course, like gravity, or god, and my certain tastes in things. but i like it the most when i feel curious, when i'm excited about anything because it's new, and i'm learning something more. i like it when i feel intensely about anything. maybe i'm just manic. it makes me feel alive. in my own surges, i am learning things. i take it upon myself to digest and devour. and when i'm full i purge it all up so i can take in some more newer things, other things, strange and normal things. maybe that's what artists do.
"before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. that way, when you criticize you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
and i can be so cruel, i have succumbed to struggling for face, i confess! i have got my own jabs down and out. but i'm sad, mostly. and when a person tries to offend me, it is not what they say that affects me, but the intent. the fact that they really mean to hurt me. i really would rather that we love eachother, instead of hate eachother. i don't mean to offend, so stop being a pansy. we're all human, aren't we? the way i constantly say that, it is like i am defending myself. and, at the same time, i am instructing and reminding people of their own humanity. we are both human, you and i. unity appeals to me, what can i say?
i am horrified.
i've encountered this thing everywhere, for a long time. it's warfare. it's not a new thing really, but i don't always see it with such clarity. i'm pretty much always aware of it, like it's something in the air, in the back of my head, but just sometimes it suddenly becomes TOO clear that i'm surrounded by it. it's more than just something in the air, it's a heavy kind of choking atmosphere that's immediately been exposed. it's poisionous gases that choke the air, and black out the sun. it's something that becomes alive and real in itself, i can see it and smell it and i can't help but breath it in inbetween every human-contact. it's everywhere i go. and i'm horrified of it. i'm terrified, the kind of terror that makes me feel disgusted with what i am witnessing, and i make silly promises to myself that i'll never be a part of it. silly because i am already a part of it. horrified because of what i am.
go ahead, say it. here i go, judging everyone. how self-righteous i am! and you can call me self-righteous all you want in an attempt to jab me, but i'll only agree with you. and it's easy since i know that you feel self-righteous too, even down to the act of calling me out. it's a vicious cycle, this thing. it's what i hate the most. it's what offends me the most. being offended is offending. until we lose the sense of the word. this warfare between everyone and myself is exhausting me.
i say, we are all sentistive. i say, we all have bellies made up of bread, bellies so vulnerable and soft that a butter knife could cut us up. i am just as sensitive, i'm more sensitive. i'm the most offended and offensive. i say, you're a big fat pansy. a spoiled brat throwing baby tantrums. you think that the world owes you something, and you care little for anything/anyone else. convince yourself otherwise all you want, fight with yourself and struggle and let your ego be a liar to protect your own soft and exposed belly! but gravity will always be heavier than a mind, and there are truths and laws that will always over-ride your little delusions, and i trust, one day, that our silly subjective realities will crash when gravity catches up to us. for some of us, it will be bad. for some of us, it will be good.
meet the gossipers, they're everywhere: gossip must be the most common thing that people indugle in, while they attempt to have conversation. it's all around us, constantly. they are all talking about someone all the damn time, putting everyone down as carefully and politely as possible. maybe not always so politely or carefully. but it's ALL gossip, regardless of how careful you try to be. it's sick. the offended are all so sensitive, throwing tantrums over other people who have somehow threatened them. and they are so easily offended, no matter how hard they try to act like untouchable gods. they struggle to appear unphased. but their gossip reveals just how easily phased they are. threatened, they group together to make eachother feel better about the threat. they weed people out to keep themselves safe.
these people are so easily offended that when you do offend them, it's almost always BY ACCIDENT.
i see, for instance, jane-doe get snappy because a boy is questioning things, and it truly appears that he just wants to have a discussion about things that he, or others, might have doubt in. but she immediately takes it as if he were questioning her authority, as if he were challenging her! so she quickly retorts, "do i look like i need instruction?" along with more retorhic that is meant to offend. she is pride. she knows all. she cannot be taught.
when you know something, you are stuck.
i'm stuck.
meet jane-doe, we've all probably met her before: it's the girl who feels deep down inside that she knows all there is to know. that is, within her interests. she knows nothing else but nothing else matters. she feels she knows her interests intimately, like the back of her hand. she can not be taught or instructed. she is offended by the thought that someone else may be attempting to do so. who do they think they are?
she is stuck. she says, "do i look like i need instruction?" and simultaneously, "i need to instruct you. and you need to listen to me." her retorhic is meant to be offensive, but it exposes just how offended she is by submissing to another persons whim of thought, or mood. it is easy to offend and challenge her, even though she acts otherwise. anything you say will be offensive somehow. she will find a way to make jabs at you. she is a power-trip. she means to jab you and stab you until you're bleeding inside. it makes her feel powerful if you become offended. if you are offended, and attempt to poke her back with a pointy stick, then she will have won. she acts unphased, because it gives her more power. in the end, she reassures herself that she has affected you, not you her, and that she has conquered you. now she can continue to jab at you and continue to revel in your response, how you take the bait and dangle at her every moodswing. jane-doe and joe-shmoe are the same. only joe-shmoe is dangling, and he hates everything about jane-doe. his attempts to stab her goes unnoticed. he is furious. she unsettles him, because he is so little to her. he must conquer her, or he must convince himself somehow that what he is doing is better than what she is doing, thus making him feel powerful. he will never be like her! so he tells himself. everyone who is like her, he hates. but he becomes her towards anyone who allows him to. if they are somehow like her, and he get's a rise out of them, then he is more satisfied. but regardless, he jabs at any unsuspecting passerby, to assure himself of his own power, to gain face for himself. to feel better.
it's a war for domination. we're all power-heads. even within our tight circles and communities of family and friends, we establish a heirarchy unconsciously. a wolf-pack. a colony of ants.
jane-doe is comfortable with the position she has in her colony, so she is very unwelcoming to any strangers. they might threaten her position, or change it somehow, and she is comfortable where she is so she is not likely to openly welcome any outsider. in order for her to get to that point to welcome someone, she must jab them a sufficient amount of times until she is satisfied that they know where they stand. and when she accepts them, it will be on her grounds. if someone within her colony who she highly admires is immediately welcoming a stranger, she may feel subdued, jab a little, but be a little reclusive because those she highly admires affect her the most.
we are not all jane-doe, of course. or, we're different gradations of her. some more, some less, but she's still a part of us. even for the joe-shmoes who hate her. joe-shmoe feels insecure and unstable in his position within his own colony, so he is slightly more weaker, it is why he hates jane-doe. he just cannot gain face, so he flops around from colony to colony, hating everyone and jabbing at anyone he can, until he establishes a position that satisfies him and becomes jane-does clone.
it is instinctive, it comes naturally for us. and the ones who are unaware of it are the most dangerous, because they are so blind to what they are doing it is like they have the freedom to act outrageously and commit the cruelest acts. some people will NEVER like you, no matter what you do. you might not have done any damned thing to them. you might have said something a little too directly, that offended them. you might just exist, and they will hate you. they are hate and they breed hate. it is human-nature to hate. we are all at war, to dominate eachother. it is our basic animalistic instict, to tear eachother down.
i say, you are sensitive. is that too direct? is that too offensive? how wrong can i be?
i have been careful, here. i have let you all down gently, and made myself feel better for it. i am jane-doe and joe-shmoe, all at once. i've hated them just like they hate me. i never wanted to be like them, but i've become them. i know what i am, a little. i disagree with it. their ignorance and hatred is destructive, and nightmarish. i have felt that loathing. so now, maybe i can do something about it.
then maybe we can show the world how it's possible to make peace, and spread love. but more likely, i will probably just become more and more reclusive, if not physically, then mentally and emotionally. because the world is full of jane-doe and joe-shmoe, they call themselves christians and new-agers and satanists, they are athiests and agnostics and muslims. they say, "do not judge! you must tolerate! educate!" but they're all just a bunch of pansy haters. i wonder if i should tolerate such hate. i wonder if it's just a figment of my imagination. or maybe my manic makes it bigger than it really is. but my immediate reaction to that hate is to flee from it, and maybe cry. but not fight it the way they do, by personal attacks, although i am tempted and can't help myself sometimes. generally, i can be so nice to them and feel genuinely sorry for them. of course this gives me the satisfying sensation that i'm the better person in the end, and so, i am still dominating. only my domination is passive and secretive(unbeknowest to jane-doe). maybe that's the lovers way.
is it wrong to feel sorry? i don't think so, specially when you've aquainted yourself with those specific things. you know them intimately. you can feel sorry for ignorance the best when you know your own ignorance. you can feel sad because such cruelty exists, while knowing just how capable you are of being cruel. maybe SORRY isn't the correct word, but it sounded pretty. so think of a pretty sort of sorry. a gentle kind. how you can feel so much for something, almost endearing and mothering.
and let me instruct you, of course.
i am a little bit of a loner, i feel inferior to everyone and at the same time my ego get's so big i choke on it. i can't swallow it. and all the while i welcome everyone. i don't hate anyone, really. i hate what they might do, or not do. but i'm not an angry person, because i accept that some people just can't fly. or are slower to grow wings. we're all different. we're all human. i do not attack people personally- most of the time. i really try not to anyway, because i am aware of what it means. so i expose myself instead. i make myself personal, whether or not people take it. i make myself vulnerable to judgement and gossip, in my exposure, but somehow i have to do it. i feel compelled. i feel furious things sometimes and i have to tell somebody. i have to write it all down too sometimes, just in case i forget. in case i lose my memory. i sometimes feel like, maybe, i write to reassure myself that i have existed. i don't know whether that's good or not. but it's okay for now, so i do it.
maybe i'm too black and white, but i feel loose, and i try to unstick myself whenever i can. there are some things i'm stuck on, of course, like gravity, or god, and my certain tastes in things. but i like it the most when i feel curious, when i'm excited about anything because it's new, and i'm learning something more. i like it when i feel intensely about anything. maybe i'm just manic. it makes me feel alive. in my own surges, i am learning things. i take it upon myself to digest and devour. and when i'm full i purge it all up so i can take in some more newer things, other things, strange and normal things. maybe that's what artists do.
"before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. that way, when you criticize you're a mile away and you have their shoes."