suicides:

Jan 12, 2006 22:40

bare with me here ( Read more... )

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ulterior January 14 2006, 07:47:52 UTC
i don't know if you get it. what i'm saying, is that you can't force yourself to want to die. and when you say you wish death would come sooner, you're lying to yourself. because if you weren't afraid of death, and you really wished death would come sooner, then you would have made it come sooner already.

you want to live, even if the reason is for other people, you still want to live. the end. you don't wish death would come sooner, cause if you did, you wouldn't be here.

what i'm saying is, that you have to be in some state of psychosis(which means, you have to be completely and entirely INSANE) to actually, really, sincerely and honestly wish death would come sooner, and want to die. and you can't force yourself to go insane, because your natural state fights against it. naturally you want to live, so you strive to live. what i'm saying is, that suicide is UNNATURAL. you can't live when you have the suicide-pyschosis, and you can't bring it on yourself either. it happens to you like schizophrenia- you snap, instantly, and then you're mad.

and of course, there are suicide attempts that are honest but you get caught accidently, and you even get cured of that psychosis(meaning, you really wanted to die but accidently, miracously, you were caught and now you don't want to die anymore, you're cured). and then, there are those suicide attempts where you know you'll get caught, you make sure that you'll get easily caught, because you don't really want to die. and then, there are those cases who don't get caught and died accidently. and i do admit, that those who've had multiple suicide attempts are closest to the state of psychosis that might eventually kill them. just that, as long as they're living, they don't want to die. inbetween their attempts, they still want to live. until the disease has them entirely, until they snap for the last time and gain that determination... and let me tell you, when you do give in to the disease, and you do decide that death is the only way, it is like a burden lifted. you will appear to be the most happiest you've ever been. and of course, that won't stop you, because the peace and happiness that you gain is coming from the thought of killing yourself.

this is simplifying it all, but. i don't mean to offend you... but you don't want to die. you don't wish death would come sooner, because if you did, you wouldn't mind taking your life. you say you won't take it, and that's because you want to live.

what i meant by laziness saving you... is when you are in a state of psychosis, momentarily, but it is so wearisome that you can't even lift yourself up to walk to the kitchen drawer, it is so wearisome that you can't stand to see anyone and you can't stand the thought of being caught in it. of course even in this state you don't want to die, something deep down inside of you is giving you excuses not to kill yourself. but it's pretty close to suicide. cause then the psychosis passes, and afterwards you realize that if you had decided, or just given into the psychosis completely in that moment, you could have easily succeeded in suicide, it would not have been an "attempt." and you would have smiled at everyone on your way.

but naturally, you want to live. you still have that survival instinct that is staying your hand. you don't want to die.

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so_traumerei January 14 2006, 14:21:38 UTC
but see, that's the thing. i do want to live, of course. but wanting to live doesn't mean that the idea of dying is any less satisfying. dying to me seems peaceful. to finally get out of this crazy world we live in (though for now i like it, but it will get worse...we know this.)

i'm not saying i want to die per say. i'm just saying i like the idea. sounds nice.

i don't really know how to explain it better. but you're right "i don't want to die." i didn't think i said i did up there...

no offense was taken, by the way. lol. i just thought you'd understand. and i do understand you...trust me, i do.

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