sleep? who needs sleep? this is finals week...
after a somewhat lenghty slef debate on whether to start this entry or go to sleep so i have a full nights rest before my final tomorrow, i decided id take a stab at writing an entry. i was getting bored and reading some of my old entries, and figured why the hell not. i update so sparadically any more.
well, my third year here is drawing to a close. fucking scary. what the hell am i going to be doing this time next year? i really hope i have some idea soon. i doubt im gonna go straight to law school. it just seems like i need to get out of the bubble world that is school. not that law school is going to be anywhere near the bubble that this place is, but its just so easy to rationalize so many bad things/habits by saying your only in school. i guess i just cant take school all that seriously. today for example, studying for my english final consisted of reading most of vonneguts bluebeard. problem is, its an asian american lit class. ok, in all fairness the test is open book and i could probably pass it in my sleep, its still rather indicative of how seriously i take things here. i mean, i take them more seriously then i did, but i still wonder what would happen if i took them as seriously as i probably should. my gpa would probably look a lot better, thats for sure.
found a place to live. for the summer at least. no time like the last minute, right? ended up subletting from a friend whos gonna be abroad. and i get to live right on the ocean for the summer now. when i have to move out.....ill cross that bridge when i get there. now that living arrangements are out of the way, i can focus more energy on the job hunt. i cant believe ive more or less not been working for over a year. when i lost my last job, i never thought that would be the case. then there was the uncertainty of where i would live durring the summer. when i decided to stay up here, i made a half assed attempt to find a job, and gave up rather queickly. i was content to live on what little i had saved up and the parental teat for far to long, and have one of the few summers in my life of total freedom. then im not really sure what happened. wait, scratch that, i know exactly what happened. too lazy, like usual. too content to barely scape by on what was a available. i mean, id throw up an app here or there, but i never really tried that hard. but damn it, i cant do the whole lazy summer again. i mean, the doing nothing sounds appealing, but the prospect of being so fucking broke doesnt. im tired of never having money. im tired of being a bum.
i guess it was a wake up call watching my brother finish high school and get his first real job. it got me thinking about the fact that its been three years since i graduated. at that time, i never thought id end up here. i was working, rather responsible, and was coming off a rather successful high school career. it made me feel like i should have been doing more these last three years. i feel like i was a more responsible person back then, more ready for the 'real world' then i am now. it seemed like in many ways i was a more mature person back then compared to now. it seems like i did it backwards, busting my ass in high school, keeping my nose clean, not partying and such. then i get here and cut loose. ive had a lot of fun, and i dont seriously regret that many things. but it really got me wondering what would have happened if i had gone somewhere else. what if i had gotten in at ucsd and gone there? i doubt i would have had the crazy times ive had here. i probably would have done a lot more of the kind of shit i did in high school.
then agian, i doubt id be happier than i am here. not to say if perfectly content right now, but im a lot less miserable then when i was wound so tightly back in the day. ive found other reasons to be unhappy. ok, that makes it sound like im miserable. im not, i just seem to be almost always able to find something to bring me down. but youve all probably figured that out by now. i think one more year here is probably going to be enough, or at least close. too much more and its very possible this place might destroy me, or at least stop being very beneficial other than simple self-gratifcation. like masturbation in a much more complete way. im afraid of growing up, but a little bit wont kill me.
ill probably be down in santa clarita for a few days starting sometime next week if anybody is interested. i need to get away from here for a little while after i finish finals/moving. never thought id say this, but santa clarita can be relaxing in a way. something about the familiarity of it all, even though theres something new built every time i go home. it gets old by the time im there more than a few days, but those few days can actually be rather pleasant. i just wish i hadnt drifted away from so many people down there. then again, most of that is my fault. for a split second, well actually probably less, i contemplated working at hurricane this summer. but that would have just been an attempt to recreate a life that passed long ago, and probably would have ended in misery. i never fought to hard to hold onto that life, and though i have regrets about that, trying to bring it back isnt the answer. at least, doing that wouldnt have been the answer.
sound nostalgic? yeah, it is. i wonder, do we get nostalgic because we forget all the bad parts of pervious eras that we hated so much at the time? or do we let ourselves get so caught up in the negative things, looking to the future as a bright and perfect escape, that we overlook the good times were having in the present? ive often realized i cant seem to stay in the present. while the future was my dominant escape before, i guess the past is starting to replace it to some degree. i dont know why, but sometimes i feel like my life is going to peak very soon, or that im already at a brief plateau on the top, like its going to start going downhill sometime soon. i know its not true, but theres this part of me that keeps thinking these thoughts. that if i dont do things soon im not going to have the chance too. or like i squandered all my opportunities at finding true happiness. no, 'true happiness' isnt quite right. success? no, thats not quite it either. more like ive turned down a path destined for medicority. damn, thats not really it either. but something like that. i know its not true, but then again i cant shake the feeling. ive never been all that good at long term optomism. better than i used to be, but still not all that great. its the latest incarnation of the notion that ill end up as a pile of wasted potential that never found my way. that i lack the ablility to truly work towards molding that potential into something more. im trying though. i havent given up. this all makes it sound worse than it is i suppose.
theres plenty im leaving out of here, but then again it barely makes any sense to me as thoughts and concepts, so trying to put it into words would be an exercise in futility. or at the very least take way more time than i want to spend on this entry. i feel like ive covered enough ground, and if i try to get the rest out ill succeed in only sounding like im completely and utterly depressed. and i was right. this did take forever to write.
take care all. i need some sleep.
well, my third year here is drawing to a close. fucking scary. what the hell am i going to be doing this time next year? i really hope i have some idea soon. i doubt im gonna go straight to law school. it just seems like i need to get out of the bubble world that is school. not that law school is going to be anywhere near the bubble that this place is, but its just so easy to rationalize so many bad things/habits by saying your only in school. i guess i just cant take school all that seriously. today for example, studying for my english final consisted of reading most of vonneguts bluebeard. problem is, its an asian american lit class. ok, in all fairness the test is open book and i could probably pass it in my sleep, its still rather indicative of how seriously i take things here. i mean, i take them more seriously then i did, but i still wonder what would happen if i took them as seriously as i probably should. my gpa would probably look a lot better, thats for sure.
found a place to live. for the summer at least. no time like the last minute, right? ended up subletting from a friend whos gonna be abroad. and i get to live right on the ocean for the summer now. when i have to move out.....ill cross that bridge when i get there. now that living arrangements are out of the way, i can focus more energy on the job hunt. i cant believe ive more or less not been working for over a year. when i lost my last job, i never thought that would be the case. then there was the uncertainty of where i would live durring the summer. when i decided to stay up here, i made a half assed attempt to find a job, and gave up rather queickly. i was content to live on what little i had saved up and the parental teat for far to long, and have one of the few summers in my life of total freedom. then im not really sure what happened. wait, scratch that, i know exactly what happened. too lazy, like usual. too content to barely scape by on what was a available. i mean, id throw up an app here or there, but i never really tried that hard. but damn it, i cant do the whole lazy summer again. i mean, the doing nothing sounds appealing, but the prospect of being so fucking broke doesnt. im tired of never having money. im tired of being a bum.
i guess it was a wake up call watching my brother finish high school and get his first real job. it got me thinking about the fact that its been three years since i graduated. at that time, i never thought id end up here. i was working, rather responsible, and was coming off a rather successful high school career. it made me feel like i should have been doing more these last three years. i feel like i was a more responsible person back then, more ready for the 'real world' then i am now. it seemed like in many ways i was a more mature person back then compared to now. it seems like i did it backwards, busting my ass in high school, keeping my nose clean, not partying and such. then i get here and cut loose. ive had a lot of fun, and i dont seriously regret that many things. but it really got me wondering what would have happened if i had gone somewhere else. what if i had gotten in at ucsd and gone there? i doubt i would have had the crazy times ive had here. i probably would have done a lot more of the kind of shit i did in high school.
then agian, i doubt id be happier than i am here. not to say if perfectly content right now, but im a lot less miserable then when i was wound so tightly back in the day. ive found other reasons to be unhappy. ok, that makes it sound like im miserable. im not, i just seem to be almost always able to find something to bring me down. but youve all probably figured that out by now. i think one more year here is probably going to be enough, or at least close. too much more and its very possible this place might destroy me, or at least stop being very beneficial other than simple self-gratifcation. like masturbation in a much more complete way. im afraid of growing up, but a little bit wont kill me.
ill probably be down in santa clarita for a few days starting sometime next week if anybody is interested. i need to get away from here for a little while after i finish finals/moving. never thought id say this, but santa clarita can be relaxing in a way. something about the familiarity of it all, even though theres something new built every time i go home. it gets old by the time im there more than a few days, but those few days can actually be rather pleasant. i just wish i hadnt drifted away from so many people down there. then again, most of that is my fault. for a split second, well actually probably less, i contemplated working at hurricane this summer. but that would have just been an attempt to recreate a life that passed long ago, and probably would have ended in misery. i never fought to hard to hold onto that life, and though i have regrets about that, trying to bring it back isnt the answer. at least, doing that wouldnt have been the answer.
sound nostalgic? yeah, it is. i wonder, do we get nostalgic because we forget all the bad parts of pervious eras that we hated so much at the time? or do we let ourselves get so caught up in the negative things, looking to the future as a bright and perfect escape, that we overlook the good times were having in the present? ive often realized i cant seem to stay in the present. while the future was my dominant escape before, i guess the past is starting to replace it to some degree. i dont know why, but sometimes i feel like my life is going to peak very soon, or that im already at a brief plateau on the top, like its going to start going downhill sometime soon. i know its not true, but theres this part of me that keeps thinking these thoughts. that if i dont do things soon im not going to have the chance too. or like i squandered all my opportunities at finding true happiness. no, 'true happiness' isnt quite right. success? no, thats not quite it either. more like ive turned down a path destined for medicority. damn, thats not really it either. but something like that. i know its not true, but then again i cant shake the feeling. ive never been all that good at long term optomism. better than i used to be, but still not all that great. its the latest incarnation of the notion that ill end up as a pile of wasted potential that never found my way. that i lack the ablility to truly work towards molding that potential into something more. im trying though. i havent given up. this all makes it sound worse than it is i suppose.
theres plenty im leaving out of here, but then again it barely makes any sense to me as thoughts and concepts, so trying to put it into words would be an exercise in futility. or at the very least take way more time than i want to spend on this entry. i feel like ive covered enough ground, and if i try to get the rest out ill succeed in only sounding like im completely and utterly depressed. and i was right. this did take forever to write.
take care all. i need some sleep.