(no subject)

[ukwldcat08]

so tonite at 10:30 eastern time, 7:30 las vegas time, my brother Dan got married. I thought I would be atleast okay with the fact that I couldnt be there because I have a chemistry exam Thursday and am in the middle of writing another enlish paper, but I wasnt. The church (chapel) they went to puts a video of the marriage on their website about 15 minutes after it is done. So at about 11, I went on the website, and watched my brother get married. I just cried, I didnt know what to do, I couldnt be there and all I want to be is there. It all truly hit me for the first time. Before it was just words spoken over the phone, but now its all way to real. hes leaving for iraq in 12 days now (since its 2:20 am)...and I wish I could just literally disappear for the next year. I wish I didnt have to worry about school, papers, chemistry, news, gymnastics, stupid petty stuff, I wish the only thing I would have to worry about is him. But I know that will never be. As hard as I have tried to keep myself together since I found out, its becoming so hard. Atleast at home, I could just cry in my room, but here if I do, I have a roomate who will want to know whats going on, and as much as we get along and I <3 her like a sister, I just dont wanna talk about it with her. I want to talk to sarah, or kelly, or adam, someone who I can just cry on their shoulder, and not have to explain anything, and know that theyll let me and just hug me and tell me that its okay, even when i dont believe them, and know that they are always there for me to cry on their shoulder (and they better know Im here if they need me). I feel like I cant hold it together anymore, I sit in all of my classes, and rather than trying to learn the material, I am more concentrated on not crying in the middle of class, than getting the notes, or understanding chemistry. I just need a break, I need a break from the world...I know my spring break starts on march 11, which is only 9 days away now (again since its 2:25 am) but those 9 days are going to be 9 of the longest days of my life. Then after march 14th when I have to take him to the airport, is going to be the LONGEST year of my life. God, I dont know what Im going to do without my brother here for a year. I know we fight like siblings, but no one has been through what we've been through together, and as much as he doesnt know, he knows some of the hardest things to deal with about me...i dont even know if im making any sense anymore. so I guess I'll stop writing and do some work, even though itll be hard to get anything done since I only want to see, talk to, and be there for his last days in the country.
*God bless not only the soldiers overseas, but all those putting their life in danger over there, which will include my brother in 12 days*
*God please help me through this, i just dont know what to do anymore*

please leave some uplifting messages, i could really use them right now <3