(no subject)
So I think it's pretty safe to say that my life is horribly, and most abominably not on track. I have no motivation, I have no direction, and I sometimes wonder if I even have a future. It is amazing to me, that I could repeatedly ruin the best thing going for me. Every time I start to have a little bit of happiness, I smash it to pieces and throw it away.
And you know, the worst part of it is, that I never feel wrong in turning things away. I'm always 100% sure that I've done the right thing. Then why does doing the right thing always feel like crap? Why is it, that when I get what I "want", then it's not good enough for me? I have a job that I love, but I can't support myself, and I'm probably going to have to get another job. I finally have a good guy that has interest in me, and for some reason it's not what I'm looking for. It's like I've predestined myself to be unhappy. Or that I'm meant to forever have opportunities that have no lasting value to me. It really kinda sucks. I just want something to feel right for a change. I'm tired of being frustrated, and alone, and confused, and angry. I'm tired of always being tired. I just wish something in my life would become the right thing. Until then I guess I'll just have to be unsatisfied.
And you know, the worst part of it is, that I never feel wrong in turning things away. I'm always 100% sure that I've done the right thing. Then why does doing the right thing always feel like crap? Why is it, that when I get what I "want", then it's not good enough for me? I have a job that I love, but I can't support myself, and I'm probably going to have to get another job. I finally have a good guy that has interest in me, and for some reason it's not what I'm looking for. It's like I've predestined myself to be unhappy. Or that I'm meant to forever have opportunities that have no lasting value to me. It really kinda sucks. I just want something to feel right for a change. I'm tired of being frustrated, and alone, and confused, and angry. I'm tired of always being tired. I just wish something in my life would become the right thing. Until then I guess I'll just have to be unsatisfied.