(no subject)
So! I have decided that my life is one big question mark. EVERYTHING about it, is a "?." And I think that needs to change soon or else I will go CARAZY! Maybe not, maybe I'll just get used to nothing ever making sense, and rethinking every single thing I do, because that is what I'm doing now for fear that my life will get more confusing with each step i take down ANY path. Really, you name anything in my life and I can almost guarentee that I'll have some sort of confusion over it. Clarkston, love the people, hate the place. And for the record, let me re-word that...I love SOME of the people, a very select few. The rest are just a clutter to add to my confusion, some more than others. But I'm not sure if Clarkston is going to do it for me anymore, I need something more exciting...I almost feel the same way about Central...was Central the right choice...or do I need something a bit more spontaneous and OUT THERE! I'm thinking that I'm going to need to do some experimenting with that after this school year coming up. Which also brings me to Copper Beech...was that the right choice for my appartment. I know it sounds so trivial...not a big deal, but to me it is. CopperBeech is gorgeous...but maybe not quite for me. I don't know, we'll see either way. And my living arrangements and choice of school almost seem to not matter when I begin to think about what do I even want to do with my life?? I know that I don't need to know that right now, my major and all that, but I wish I had SOME type of direction or ANY type of interest. I'm not interested in ANYTHING. What the heck am I going to do? I started out with business classes...ew, not for me! Then there's my broadcasting direction...um? And then there's my apparel merchandising...um? I have NO clue! And I have no interests in any field either. And my next topic pretty much rules out the option or marrying a rich guy and living off his money...My Ex, well all guys to be honest with you...but mainly my one real ex. Oh god, my ex. THE ex AHH! Confusing...what a confusing road to even look at on a map. I can't begin to explain, or even think about explaining all of that. Never been hurt by anyone so much in all my life, yet I still consider him a good friend. How messed up right? I don't know what to do about it. When he's not there it hurts, when he is there it hurts. Am I set up to be hurting for the rest of my life? I sure hope not. But then again, there's no way out. So maybe I am! Oh no...I can't be "with" him, but I can't completely cut him out of my life all together. He's still the person I call when I'm sad, or with exciting news. or when I'm bored. So I'm putting this person that used to be so close to me on the "friends list?" I can try...but it's wierd. I don't want more than that, in fact I'd rather have less than that, but I just can't do it. And we are way to jealous to let each other be with other people. I am destined to be alone forever. How nice...right back to one big question mark. When will things change? I hope there's some type of answer to this...it's been getting to me ALOT lately. Then there's my family...the one that I just don't fit into anymore. No matter how much they try, and how much I try, I just can't do it...I can't pull myself into this giant family of step siblings and a step mom. Ew, I don't like it, I'm not comfortable with it, I can't do it. I wasn't there in the beginning of this happy little union of families, why should I have to jump in now, I'm sorry, but I just can't do it. "Uhgggggg." That's all I can say about my life at the moment. So wierd...I hope things start to fall together sometime in the near future.