It's that time of year AGAIN
Yes, today is a month until the 2013 Eurovision Song Contest, and in what is fast becoming an annual tradition (see last year's offering), I'm already preparing for the festivities. Beverley's dress from Abigail's Party is on order from eBay, the fondue set is polished, cheesy pineapple cubes are at the ready and this time round there's been a lot more Euro cheesiness. Oh yes. I discovered that the official site archives (and livestreams) the semis, finals AND national selection shows back to 2007. So the HDMI cable duly came out, Saturday nights were booked up, and bad-quality 240p videos all the way from Moldova and elsewhere were enjoyed by all. Since, ooh, February. Lovely.*
Anyway, without further ado, the first part of my take on this year's lot. So, as some might have already done at our wedding, ALL RISE FOR THE EUROVISION NATIONAL ANTHEM**
This year with bonus input from lovely husbandface
pjc50! To the first batch of semifinalists:
Austria: Natália Kelly, Shine Very glossy, head-noddy, indie-boppy. Wouldn't be out of place on a Radio 1 playlist. Video: nice touch with the impromptu paint fight at the end, left in there considerately for all us high definition viewers.
'Almost great. I thought it would be more stirring.'
Estonia: Birgit, Et Uus Saaks Alguse I'll just preface this with one thing: WINNY PUHH WERE ROBBED***. So, yeah. Birgit. Ballad, safe pair of hands, yawn yawn. Look. Let's be honest. We'd all prefer Lion-O with a dead fox strapped to his mic stand, a rotating drummer and guitarists with sex toys attached to their face, yes? Yes?
'I quite like this actually. It's almost country-ish.'
Slovenia: Hannah, Straight Into Love There's a little bit of a thing for doing wobwobby dubsteppy bass drop nonsense this year. Step up, Hannah. Nice bit of Eurodance here, another one for not being out of place on UK radio. And literally nothing in this video where topless men get out of baths is gay. Nope. Not a bit.
'THIS IS THE EURODANCE I WAS EXPECTING. I love the video.'
Croatia: Klapa s mora, Mižerja Another of an awful lot of ballads this year. Nice, in an operatic way, I suppose.
'Gone down the traditional route, I see. Like, a SONG contest. It doesn't move me.'
Denmark: Emmelie de Forest, Only Teardrops Celtic flute, wee pixie-ish girl, military drummers. Lot of drinks already downed here. Catchy, though. A strong contender.
'Bint in a floaty dress! Ooh, I didn't expect it to go there. I like this, despite the street urchin playing the Irish whistle. What? LOOK AT HIS HAIR'
Russia: Dina Garipova, What If Oh, a ballad. We haven't had one of those in about five minutes. Seems to be about unity and peace and love, which as we all know caring, non-ex-KGB-nutjob-controlled Russia totally is. Oh, there goes a key change; well, that was something. NEXT
'It's a bit drippy. And by a bit, I mean my ceiling is about to cave in.'
Ukraine: Zlata Ognevich, Gravity This lady has hatched from a metal flower from the future to...sing a ballad. Or is it? The video proceeds somewhat like a Herbal Essences advert, and then sudden upbeat-ness! Must admit, I got into it round about where she's floating in a bubble with diamonds. A grower.
'Is this Diamonds Are Forever? Ooh, a lady running in a corset! Well, it's different.'
The Netherlands: Anouk, Birds They have run out of budget here, because they've had to pillage a webcam circa 1995 to bring us this. Another ballad, though. I got bored halfway through this and started looking up Eurostar tickets to Amsterdam where I might find a bit more action than is going on in this song :(
'THIS IS RUBBISH. The webcam doesn't make it less rubbish. In fact, I put it to you that it makes it more rubbish....IT'S STILL RUBBISH. IT'S STILL GOING ON.'
Montenegro: Who See, Igranka A wholly not worksafe video, in which ladies not wearing much have a bit of a dance-off and a wrestle, while some men in hazmat suits and guns in suitcases have a bit of a rap. With that dubstep thing again. This wins a prize for originality, but I'm not convinced it's a high-scorer...
'Wahey!...well, this is going to strange places. What? They're having a dance-off? Oh god, dubstep. "Ladies, break it up, we're here with our hazmat suits and metal workers to grind your wobwob." Could do without the rapping.'
Lithuania: Andrius Pojavis, Something Nice safe pop standard. Not really a stand out track, to be honest.
'Does this build? It really needs to. Because it's not going anywhere. STILL NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Oh look, some mild hands-in-the-air. Wave your hands in the air, like you slightly care. Does he not look like that depressed comedian? You know? Rich Hall!'
Belarus: Alyona Lanskaya,Solayoh Post-Marbella package holiday peppy pap-fest. Definitely one to get up and dance to. And...was that Norway's previous victor, Alexander Rybak, on the beach at the end there?
'I can't shake the feeling this sounds like an awful lot of other Eurovision. It's pretty good. Not really good.'
Moldova: Aliona Moon, O Mie Confusingly a second Aliona, with yet another ballad. She does, however, win a prize for being spliced with Janelle Monae, industrial washers and the contents of an LED factory.
'Light up lady! This is probably my favourite non-Eurodance one.'
Ireland: Ryan Dolan, Only Love Survives I watched the Late Late Show for the selections, and at least one young lady who could sing was edged out for this crap. I suppose I should be glad it's Eurodance and not a ballad, but this guy was tuneless as all hell live. Not confident about this one. Not that Ireland want to win because, er, the no money thing. BRING BACK JEDWARD.
'Meh.'
Cyprus: Despina Olympiou, An Me Thimasai Ballad, ballad, ballad. Floaty ethereal lady channelling Florence and the Machine. Tried to parse the Greek with my Classical skillz. Something about hearts, stars, loving people? Yeah, close enough. See kids, a degree in Classics gets you places. FACT.
'It's not bad, but it's failing to grab me.'
Belgium: Roberto Bellarosa, Love Kills Upbeat one from the boring country this year. They even gamely have a pop at a dubstep section SERIOUSLY WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE BELGIUM DOING IT TOO. Song's not too shabby. I predict it will comfortably traipse into the middle scoring in the semi.
'I suppose it's SORT OF a dubstep bit. Feel my lack of enthusiasm for this one.'
Serbia: Moje 3, Ljubav Je Svuda Sorry, this is going to bug me all song. Could the one in the white sci-fi dress not adjust her cleavage so it's not lopsided? Terribly distracting from the- ah, where was I? Yeah. So, there's a sci-fi one, a hen do devil and a budget gold Kylie one. At about 1:17 they do what the internet charitably describes as a 'slut drop'. Look, don't write in, folks- see, even the Grauniad says it's empowering. Anyway, the song stuck in my head all night after the qualifiers, so I say this one goes through to the final.
'Well, they win the prize for slightly lopsided fruity bints. I really like this song. It's fun!'****
And that was the first batch of hopefuls! Tune in at the weekend for the second half of this highly specialised rambling bunch of words that about three of you are actually keen on! Feel free to share it with likeminded Eurovision anoraks in your area...
*not necessarily enjoyed by
pjc50, but he had no choice.
**the sheer fact that some people were in on this reference was 50% of the large smile on my face as I came down the aisle x
***epilepsy warning all over that. Woops, should probably have put that up there. Oh well. Don't die :(
****the fact that I am in tune with my husband over our aesthetic assessment of ladies pleases me.
Also available at cryptogirl.dreamwidth.org :D
Anyway, without further ado, the first part of my take on this year's lot. So, as some might have already done at our wedding, ALL RISE FOR THE EUROVISION NATIONAL ANTHEM**
This year with bonus input from lovely husbandface
pjc50! To the first batch of semifinalists:
Austria: Natália Kelly, Shine Very glossy, head-noddy, indie-boppy. Wouldn't be out of place on a Radio 1 playlist. Video: nice touch with the impromptu paint fight at the end, left in there considerately for all us high definition viewers.
'Almost great. I thought it would be more stirring.'
Estonia: Birgit, Et Uus Saaks Alguse I'll just preface this with one thing: WINNY PUHH WERE ROBBED***. So, yeah. Birgit. Ballad, safe pair of hands, yawn yawn. Look. Let's be honest. We'd all prefer Lion-O with a dead fox strapped to his mic stand, a rotating drummer and guitarists with sex toys attached to their face, yes? Yes?
'I quite like this actually. It's almost country-ish.'
Slovenia: Hannah, Straight Into Love There's a little bit of a thing for doing wobwobby dubsteppy bass drop nonsense this year. Step up, Hannah. Nice bit of Eurodance here, another one for not being out of place on UK radio. And literally nothing in this video where topless men get out of baths is gay. Nope. Not a bit.
'THIS IS THE EURODANCE I WAS EXPECTING. I love the video.'
Croatia: Klapa s mora, Mižerja Another of an awful lot of ballads this year. Nice, in an operatic way, I suppose.
'Gone down the traditional route, I see. Like, a SONG contest. It doesn't move me.'
Denmark: Emmelie de Forest, Only Teardrops Celtic flute, wee pixie-ish girl, military drummers. Lot of drinks already downed here. Catchy, though. A strong contender.
'Bint in a floaty dress! Ooh, I didn't expect it to go there. I like this, despite the street urchin playing the Irish whistle. What? LOOK AT HIS HAIR'
Russia: Dina Garipova, What If Oh, a ballad. We haven't had one of those in about five minutes. Seems to be about unity and peace and love, which as we all know caring, non-ex-KGB-nutjob-controlled Russia totally is. Oh, there goes a key change; well, that was something. NEXT
'It's a bit drippy. And by a bit, I mean my ceiling is about to cave in.'
Ukraine: Zlata Ognevich, Gravity This lady has hatched from a metal flower from the future to...sing a ballad. Or is it? The video proceeds somewhat like a Herbal Essences advert, and then sudden upbeat-ness! Must admit, I got into it round about where she's floating in a bubble with diamonds. A grower.
'Is this Diamonds Are Forever? Ooh, a lady running in a corset! Well, it's different.'
The Netherlands: Anouk, Birds They have run out of budget here, because they've had to pillage a webcam circa 1995 to bring us this. Another ballad, though. I got bored halfway through this and started looking up Eurostar tickets to Amsterdam where I might find a bit more action than is going on in this song :(
'THIS IS RUBBISH. The webcam doesn't make it less rubbish. In fact, I put it to you that it makes it more rubbish....IT'S STILL RUBBISH. IT'S STILL GOING ON.'
Montenegro: Who See, Igranka A wholly not worksafe video, in which ladies not wearing much have a bit of a dance-off and a wrestle, while some men in hazmat suits and guns in suitcases have a bit of a rap. With that dubstep thing again. This wins a prize for originality, but I'm not convinced it's a high-scorer...
'Wahey!...well, this is going to strange places. What? They're having a dance-off? Oh god, dubstep. "Ladies, break it up, we're here with our hazmat suits and metal workers to grind your wobwob." Could do without the rapping.'
Lithuania: Andrius Pojavis, Something Nice safe pop standard. Not really a stand out track, to be honest.
'Does this build? It really needs to. Because it's not going anywhere. STILL NOT GOING ANYWHERE. Oh look, some mild hands-in-the-air. Wave your hands in the air, like you slightly care. Does he not look like that depressed comedian? You know? Rich Hall!'
Belarus: Alyona Lanskaya,Solayoh Post-Marbella package holiday peppy pap-fest. Definitely one to get up and dance to. And...was that Norway's previous victor, Alexander Rybak, on the beach at the end there?
'I can't shake the feeling this sounds like an awful lot of other Eurovision. It's pretty good. Not really good.'
Moldova: Aliona Moon, O Mie Confusingly a second Aliona, with yet another ballad. She does, however, win a prize for being spliced with Janelle Monae, industrial washers and the contents of an LED factory.
'Light up lady! This is probably my favourite non-Eurodance one.'
Ireland: Ryan Dolan, Only Love Survives I watched the Late Late Show for the selections, and at least one young lady who could sing was edged out for this crap. I suppose I should be glad it's Eurodance and not a ballad, but this guy was tuneless as all hell live. Not confident about this one. Not that Ireland want to win because, er, the no money thing. BRING BACK JEDWARD.
'Meh.'
Cyprus: Despina Olympiou, An Me Thimasai Ballad, ballad, ballad. Floaty ethereal lady channelling Florence and the Machine. Tried to parse the Greek with my Classical skillz. Something about hearts, stars, loving people? Yeah, close enough. See kids, a degree in Classics gets you places. FACT.
'It's not bad, but it's failing to grab me.'
Belgium: Roberto Bellarosa, Love Kills Upbeat one from the boring country this year. They even gamely have a pop at a dubstep section SERIOUSLY WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE BELGIUM DOING IT TOO. Song's not too shabby. I predict it will comfortably traipse into the middle scoring in the semi.
'I suppose it's SORT OF a dubstep bit. Feel my lack of enthusiasm for this one.'
Serbia: Moje 3, Ljubav Je Svuda Sorry, this is going to bug me all song. Could the one in the white sci-fi dress not adjust her cleavage so it's not lopsided? Terribly distracting from the- ah, where was I? Yeah. So, there's a sci-fi one, a hen do devil and a budget gold Kylie one. At about 1:17 they do what the internet charitably describes as a 'slut drop'. Look, don't write in, folks- see, even the Grauniad says it's empowering. Anyway, the song stuck in my head all night after the qualifiers, so I say this one goes through to the final.
'Well, they win the prize for slightly lopsided fruity bints. I really like this song. It's fun!'****
And that was the first batch of hopefuls! Tune in at the weekend for the second half of this highly specialised rambling bunch of words that about three of you are actually keen on! Feel free to share it with likeminded Eurovision anoraks in your area...
*not necessarily enjoyed by
pjc50, but he had no choice.
**the sheer fact that some people were in on this reference was 50% of the large smile on my face as I came down the aisle x
***epilepsy warning all over that. Woops, should probably have put that up there. Oh well. Don't die :(
****the fact that I am in tune with my husband over our aesthetic assessment of ladies pleases me.
Also available at cryptogirl.dreamwidth.org :D