(no subject)
so i've just been living life lately and someone reminded me that my life is fairly new now and nothing like it was before. unfortunately, the drama never ends. i very recently had a spit with one of my classmates about how she was acting and how upset it made me and how annoyed i was. one of the guys in our class told her that she acts like a high school drama queen to which she responded like a high school drama queen. she got all tough and diva and i got all annoyed and please stop. when she caught me casually hanging out and talking with her assailant, she ignored me. and we have all of our classes together. so i really noticed. then we argued and she didn't want to talk to me if i talked to him because she doesn't want to be fake but she would talk to me if he wasn't around. but that's fake because if you really like me, you won't ignore me. then i went home (actually i walked to work but it may as well be home) and thought about it and said to myself that if i want to grow up, i need to hang around grown ups. i also thought about how trying to make these girls grow up doesn't make me a grown up but avoiding them would probably make things worse. so now i just hang out with them and participate in conversations but when it comes to talking shit and being bitches, i keep to myself (unless absolutely necessary, of course).
anyway the whole point of this story is that (3) blasts from the past occured this past week. and the one that usually makes me want to find a bridge made me really happy and the other two were pretty mediocre. so now i realize i'm in between lives but i really always have been. i haven't had a niche in years and i just bounce around because i'm not sure who i want to be. i know the things i want from this life now. i just want to be good with no relation to the past. i don't want to live now trying to correct things and i don't want to live now trying to change from who i've been. i don't want to sit here and think about how i can be better than my mistakes. i don't want to wish i never said things nor do i want to accept the things i've said and hope that i'm the kind of person now that wouldn't say those things now. i just want to be whatever i am now not despite of and not because of the past (and not living for the future, either. but that's a different time and day).
i've finally had a conversation (or 3) about the past without feeling pathetic. it feels really nice now.
anyway the whole point of this story is that (3) blasts from the past occured this past week. and the one that usually makes me want to find a bridge made me really happy and the other two were pretty mediocre. so now i realize i'm in between lives but i really always have been. i haven't had a niche in years and i just bounce around because i'm not sure who i want to be. i know the things i want from this life now. i just want to be good with no relation to the past. i don't want to live now trying to correct things and i don't want to live now trying to change from who i've been. i don't want to sit here and think about how i can be better than my mistakes. i don't want to wish i never said things nor do i want to accept the things i've said and hope that i'm the kind of person now that wouldn't say those things now. i just want to be whatever i am now not despite of and not because of the past (and not living for the future, either. but that's a different time and day).
i've finally had a conversation (or 3) about the past without feeling pathetic. it feels really nice now.