what i want you to know and what i want to know from you
to all the boys i've like(d) and/or kissed (pretty much in the order that you happened):
(1) lucky you. recently, i told your story again. everytime i tell it, i find more and more reasons to justify what i did to you. it's weird how you happened within the span of a week but i really won't ever forget every single detail. so the latest reasons that make me a little less psycho for trying to end it with you but "hooking up" instead:
- i was curious and knew that no one i knew would ever find out about it, so what was there to lose?
- i didn't think you had feelings like you did. in the heat of the moment (or should i say the awkward couple of hours of arguing or whatever it was), i still disregarded your feelings because that was easier than accepting that what i just did was wrong when it seemed like there was no right or wrong.
well, to you i say thank you because i couldn't have seen it happening any other way. i'm also sorry. one of the only boy's i'll ever admit that i was a complete bitch to and used. if i were to ask you something, it would be if you were still mad at me or if you were laughing about it now. i'm not laughing about it yet because i've only started really realizing other peoples' feelings and what it must be like for them lately, but i might still be living in the past. i'm not conceited enough to think i matter at all to you. but i'm curious.
(2) i really don't know what happened here. i wonder if you wonder what would have been. i guess it was silly and girly of me to actually think into the things you did and said. i now think that you were trying to get a rise out of me and you were successful. i'm not sure i think that's all you wantd though- but you knew it was all you could get with your minimal effort. although, compared to the boys of the future, you put a LOT of effort into your calls, texts, etc. etc. to get my attention and play with it when you had it and then say that one thing you said that i never told anyone that opened my eyes instantly. it took three months to finally let it sink in and see what a funny joke we were making.
so to you: FUCK YOU. just kidding. see, i'm still joking around with you.
but in all seriousness, about the one thing you said that you probably don't even remember-- you would feel so stupid now. and if i could ask if it was true, i would. but i would really ask what you actually wanted from me and us and why it never happened... i'm an optimist! but thinking back on it... what the heck did we even have in common? oh well, good luck in life.
(3) to anyone who has lived, this will be the most obvious, i guess.
so it's a bit too recent to run it down like a story because it's a story i haven't told in full yet (it's hard to sum up a year and a half of relationship into a noneventful month-long break up story), but i would say to you that i'm serious about being your friend and i'm thankful that even though i'm kind of forcing my friendship on to you, you've taken it. and i would ask you if you think i'm a bad person, but i'm not so sure that i'm confident about your answer (which wouldn't be yes or no, i'd hope), so like i said, i would ask, but i'm not going to.
(4) your brief contact makes you a spot on this list. not really necessary to explain this one -- something that pretty much everyone does once in a while but i actually hadn't (possibly for the sole purpose of lists like this being short.) so to you, i'm not conceited (again) but i'm sorry if i hurt you. and my question is if you know who you are.
(5) good thing you've already fuxed up so that i've had stories to tell that don't make you always look like a saint. just kidding but not really. since even if there is something i could write right now, it would probably be too soon so i suppose i can predict the future. i think i already know the things that i'm going to be upset about and i think you know too. if you don't, you can just ask. so the thing i have to say to you is that i'm not using you to buy me alcohol. or anything, for that matter. and my question is have you forgotten that i'm an independent woman? if you have, there's your reminder! and i think that i can actually live the lifestyle to prove it a bit.
there you go boys. i wanted to say some things and i have. some of you seemed so important at the time but now you're all like lessons learned. not that i learn lessons, or anything... but it's like i've figured out all the ways to either fuck things over for myself or for others and then i perfectly executed all of them. what's next?
maybe these boys won't read what i wrote to them, but it's been said and maybe i won't get the answers to my questions but i've admitted them and that's all the closure i need.
and for the record, since i'm keeping records, i don't miss these boys and i'm not not over them. i'm just living life.
(1) lucky you. recently, i told your story again. everytime i tell it, i find more and more reasons to justify what i did to you. it's weird how you happened within the span of a week but i really won't ever forget every single detail. so the latest reasons that make me a little less psycho for trying to end it with you but "hooking up" instead:
- i was curious and knew that no one i knew would ever find out about it, so what was there to lose?
- i didn't think you had feelings like you did. in the heat of the moment (or should i say the awkward couple of hours of arguing or whatever it was), i still disregarded your feelings because that was easier than accepting that what i just did was wrong when it seemed like there was no right or wrong.
well, to you i say thank you because i couldn't have seen it happening any other way. i'm also sorry. one of the only boy's i'll ever admit that i was a complete bitch to and used. if i were to ask you something, it would be if you were still mad at me or if you were laughing about it now. i'm not laughing about it yet because i've only started really realizing other peoples' feelings and what it must be like for them lately, but i might still be living in the past. i'm not conceited enough to think i matter at all to you. but i'm curious.
(2) i really don't know what happened here. i wonder if you wonder what would have been. i guess it was silly and girly of me to actually think into the things you did and said. i now think that you were trying to get a rise out of me and you were successful. i'm not sure i think that's all you wantd though- but you knew it was all you could get with your minimal effort. although, compared to the boys of the future, you put a LOT of effort into your calls, texts, etc. etc. to get my attention and play with it when you had it and then say that one thing you said that i never told anyone that opened my eyes instantly. it took three months to finally let it sink in and see what a funny joke we were making.
so to you: FUCK YOU. just kidding. see, i'm still joking around with you.
but in all seriousness, about the one thing you said that you probably don't even remember-- you would feel so stupid now. and if i could ask if it was true, i would. but i would really ask what you actually wanted from me and us and why it never happened... i'm an optimist! but thinking back on it... what the heck did we even have in common? oh well, good luck in life.
(3) to anyone who has lived, this will be the most obvious, i guess.
so it's a bit too recent to run it down like a story because it's a story i haven't told in full yet (it's hard to sum up a year and a half of relationship into a noneventful month-long break up story), but i would say to you that i'm serious about being your friend and i'm thankful that even though i'm kind of forcing my friendship on to you, you've taken it. and i would ask you if you think i'm a bad person, but i'm not so sure that i'm confident about your answer (which wouldn't be yes or no, i'd hope), so like i said, i would ask, but i'm not going to.
(4) your brief contact makes you a spot on this list. not really necessary to explain this one -- something that pretty much everyone does once in a while but i actually hadn't (possibly for the sole purpose of lists like this being short.) so to you, i'm not conceited (again) but i'm sorry if i hurt you. and my question is if you know who you are.
(5) good thing you've already fuxed up so that i've had stories to tell that don't make you always look like a saint. just kidding but not really. since even if there is something i could write right now, it would probably be too soon so i suppose i can predict the future. i think i already know the things that i'm going to be upset about and i think you know too. if you don't, you can just ask. so the thing i have to say to you is that i'm not using you to buy me alcohol. or anything, for that matter. and my question is have you forgotten that i'm an independent woman? if you have, there's your reminder! and i think that i can actually live the lifestyle to prove it a bit.
there you go boys. i wanted to say some things and i have. some of you seemed so important at the time but now you're all like lessons learned. not that i learn lessons, or anything... but it's like i've figured out all the ways to either fuck things over for myself or for others and then i perfectly executed all of them. what's next?
maybe these boys won't read what i wrote to them, but it's been said and maybe i won't get the answers to my questions but i've admitted them and that's all the closure i need.
and for the record, since i'm keeping records, i don't miss these boys and i'm not not over them. i'm just living life.