from the lack of comfort in their kitchen
It's ironic that St. Patrick's day, the day that reminds me of my grandfather the most, is the first day he must ask me to remind him of who I am.
I was dreading coming here because of this. The absence of my normally neat penmanship is an apt representation of the fact that I am outside of myself. Even as I make this confession to myself, I am surprised with how well i have been able to handle it this far. However, I could not bear to let him see even one tear escape (even if he doesn't recognize who or where it is coming from).
I must repeatedly pick myself up to peer around the corner, and make sure curiosity hasn't caused him to wander off. He remains fixed in front of that window, though. I learned to read on the couch he's sitting on. That's where me and John begged him to take us to the playground every day, and that's where he always accepted. That's where I'd have him sit, and pretend to the the barber while I used his comb to part his hair. I wish I could know that i could walk over and give birth to these memories in his mind. But, I know it'd be as if I were some author testing her new story on an audience.
I sat in silence before finally deciding to turn on the tv to break it. Unfortunately, local news was my only option, along with Oprah commercials and denture ads. This led to the discovery that he recognized Oprah before he recognized me. I guess I can blame this on my grandmother. How does she do this every day? I'm glad to be able to experience the love thei have for each other--he certainly recognizes her. I can only hope to have that in the future.
[Is it horrible that I am literally aching for the phone to ring?]
I NEED the comfort of friends right now. I don't like how alcohol has replaced the contentment of sole company.
I don't think some people realize the role they play in my life. I've never felt so comfortable around many so quickly. Somehow, I feel much stronger because of it. Maybe it's because I actually need someone to say, "Hey, I'm coming over. Be ready." Impromptu visits may equal my happiness. Or maybe shows I never thought I'd get into (Desperate Housewives??) Really, I think it might be the fact that I've just never had anything like that in a friend. And you're supposed to, right? Isn't everyone supposed to experience something like that? Someone you don't mind bothering, if only to be playful.
[It's 1:00. Please don't go much longer.]
---this entry is horribly disconnected. but, i needed to have it somewhere other than this piece of paper that everyone could find.
I was dreading coming here because of this. The absence of my normally neat penmanship is an apt representation of the fact that I am outside of myself. Even as I make this confession to myself, I am surprised with how well i have been able to handle it this far. However, I could not bear to let him see even one tear escape (even if he doesn't recognize who or where it is coming from).
I must repeatedly pick myself up to peer around the corner, and make sure curiosity hasn't caused him to wander off. He remains fixed in front of that window, though. I learned to read on the couch he's sitting on. That's where me and John begged him to take us to the playground every day, and that's where he always accepted. That's where I'd have him sit, and pretend to the the barber while I used his comb to part his hair. I wish I could know that i could walk over and give birth to these memories in his mind. But, I know it'd be as if I were some author testing her new story on an audience.
I sat in silence before finally deciding to turn on the tv to break it. Unfortunately, local news was my only option, along with Oprah commercials and denture ads. This led to the discovery that he recognized Oprah before he recognized me. I guess I can blame this on my grandmother. How does she do this every day? I'm glad to be able to experience the love thei have for each other--he certainly recognizes her. I can only hope to have that in the future.
[Is it horrible that I am literally aching for the phone to ring?]
I NEED the comfort of friends right now. I don't like how alcohol has replaced the contentment of sole company.
I don't think some people realize the role they play in my life. I've never felt so comfortable around many so quickly. Somehow, I feel much stronger because of it. Maybe it's because I actually need someone to say, "Hey, I'm coming over. Be ready." Impromptu visits may equal my happiness. Or maybe shows I never thought I'd get into (Desperate Housewives??) Really, I think it might be the fact that I've just never had anything like that in a friend. And you're supposed to, right? Isn't everyone supposed to experience something like that? Someone you don't mind bothering, if only to be playful.
[It's 1:00. Please don't go much longer.]
---this entry is horribly disconnected. but, i needed to have it somewhere other than this piece of paper that everyone could find.