(no subject)
The walls were closing in and now I finally have my out. I never thought it would happen. I just have to make it for about 3 more weeks and I'm done with this chapter of my life. You can live your life and I can live mine. Wow. This is the hardest shit I've ever gone through. My heart has hardened and I've built a very high wall around it. I can't let myself get hurt like this again, to be in such a delicate position and to live life knowing how dire the consequences are if things don't work. It hurts to know you're dating someone already, it's unreal actually, but I want you to be happy (trying hard to not let my negative feelings come through is hard). I feel like this kid can't handle you but it's unfair for me to assume when I don't know. I know that doing all of this the hard way like I have been forced to do will ultimately make everything easier in the long run. I am astounded that I haven't broken down and made a fool of myself. The emotions that I've felt since I saw you at your place before new years were trying to kill me. I'm either meant to do something great or am already doing it. This is heartbreak all the way. I never felt this awful in the past with any other girlfriend or girl, but then again I wasn't ready to settle down with them like I was with you. All I can focus on is myself. It's so hard but I know I have to. The crew, training and work is all I am looking at when I move home in a few weeks. I can't believe it's actually happening. I honestly thought I was going to be trapped here long enough that I would end up wanting to kill myself to escape. Which I don't say lightly and am embarrassed to even say, but its the truth. This shit tried to kill me and I don't know what my future has in store but I'm not going to get caught slipping anymore. I had to tell Olivia goodbye on Friday, she moved to Pennsylvania. I grew to care about that girl but only as much as I would allow myself to. She's cool and funny and we really helped one another out with what we were dealing with. She's young though and her moving will hopefully help her get what she wants out of life right now. I plan on keeping in touch with her but nothing is certain in life, everyone is unpredictable in the ultimate analysis, so right now I'm texting her every day to just see how she's doing and that's all I can do. Corinne fell back really hard because we both know how powerful things were becoming. It bums me out but I also understand and have to respect it. She makes me feel a type of way I always wanted, I'm just reserved because it's not you making me feel that, I'll get past that at some point I'm sure. But of course there's a catch and I have been upfront from the start and she appreciates it even though she may not agree. I like knowing someone can give me the exact same that I give them. But its all good now because I'm the escape from reality and if I become her reality things may be drastically different. I'm not tripping about it though, I take what I can get from her and I keep it moving. Avon really likes her which says a lot. I mean he likes everyone but his behavior with her is closer to that of someone he wants to protect and love. Speaking of Avon, I am considering getting another dog once I am back on my feet. Probably a female bluenose that's about a year at the most. We'll see though. I need to get these beads and live my life. One step at a time and I'm hoping every slip isn't a slide, but I made it this far, I can keep it up