(no subject)
Life is a trip. I was forced to let Mallory go once and for all. It hasn't been easy but I feel like I was bracing myself for it for awhile. I know I did all that I could, I did more than I should, but I did it all because I loved her and felt that it was all worth it. I'm working on moving back to Charlotte for good. It's been stressful. I've been angry, some days more than others. I was doing okay though but last night I cracked and it all came flooding back. I think it really had to do with pulling up behind Mallory's car at Target. I mean damn, I always joke that this is a small town but wow. I saw that faggot downtown when I was with this girl but someone I respect and look up to told me to let it go. That was a hard pill to swallow. I don't know if I could swallow it again. I've tried to find temporary fixes to my emotional despair. Ariana was cool but she doesn't get how you have to be mindful of others and respect them. Olivia is fucking awesome, I just wish we were in better parts of life. I'd date her without a doubt and I kind of feel like she feels the same. She keeps me level headed and just brings out all the good things in me. Its funny and sad how everything you do to better yourself isn't enough for the person you love but is plenty for others. I'm ready to be back home. I'm ready to close this chapter of my life entirely. Olivia is about the best thing this town has to offer me. I feel like I'm not meant to be here, like I'm not meant to be anywhere but where I know. Everything I had going here is slamming it's door in my face. I hate to think this is all just a hard lesson learned. I hate to think a lot of things. I just know that doing it the hard way ultimately makes everything easier for me. I have my dog and he has me and I'm okay if that's all I have to show for my time here. I realized how much I've learned, grown and changed in the past 4 1/2 years. I'm sad to know that I can't offer Mallory what she needs, that she'll get that from someone else, that I won't wake up next to her anymore, that so many things won't happen again. "Remember the good times" is what I tell myself in a bad effort to keep control of myself. What can I take away from all of this? What's the best lesson I was taught? I don't know if there's an answer, at least not yet. I try to convince myself "you don't know unless you try" with a lot of things but I don't want to be made a fool of ever again. Ever. My tail is between my legs and I have to fight all the sadness and anger that comes from that. The embarrassment, humiliation, shame and regret. Feeling like they're pointing and laughing and whispering among themselves. I just want to get as far away from here and forget that this part of the earth exists. I'll leave it here for now, anything can happen at this point...