(no subject)
two years later. it's crazy how much has changed and how much i've changed and grown up. a lot has happened. arrest records, losing my best friend in the world, bodysuit styling. this year i've met more girls than i have in my whole life and that alone has confused me. some weren't good for me, some meant well and others were just there. i met the one that matters almost a year ago and i had an instant crush on her. it's crazy how things happen. i think she's the absolute best thing in the world even after everything we've been through. i'm proud of her for working on getting sober and staying that way. when i decide (or they decide) to stop seeing someone i usually cut them out of my life completely. that's what i tried to do with you but i missed you too much. we have something deeper than i've had with anyone and that pulled me right back, not that you lurking me and letting me know you still cared about what i was doing helped or anything. can i love you? yes. do i want to? yes. i've only felt feelings like that for claire and sasha. sasha was a bunch of bad shit rolled up into a 2 year catastrophe but somehow i felt the way i did. claire set it all off for me from the start. no previous girlfriend experience (alison doesn't count), no knowing how girls work, nothing. i think she is the reason why i have become so adjusted to a long distance relationship and am not favorable of local girlfriends. do i miss her? right now, not nearly as a much as i have in the past. i've almost accepted that i will more than likely never see her again and will talk to her once every few years. 8 years of the most confusing shit of my life which climaxed at seeing her after 5 years. i'll always love her in some way, just not how i used to. i'd like to talk to her and have a real conversation. it's the weirdest feeling to be in love with someone you know nothing about, you just know you love them. but mallory is everything i could ask for. i have the tendency to get ahead of myself and i've been working so hard on not doing that the past few weeks. i love her smile, the way she says hey to me, the way i know she really cares about me. i feel awful for the things i did to her. the mistakes that i made weren't worth the repercussions in my relationship with her. sometimes i wish i hadn't moved just so i could work towards moving closer to her. but i know the time isn't right. she's involved in too much to consider a relationship and while part of me accepts that, the other part wants her to disregard AA, court, LIFE, just to be in a relationship. but things are the way that they are for a reason. i halfway like where i'm at in florida. but i miss being able to do what i want whenever i want, no bills, no responsibilities except work. however i don't miss having to lie to my mom about going out. i would like to see me and mallory work out and really experience an honest, loving relationship that is everything i could expect and more, but i am also expecting things to not work in my favor. karma paid me back in a lot of good and bad ways this year, i just hope it has a few more GOOD payments left. i guess i will see how it all goes. and this might be gone in a few days, or never but i miss you tucker, i think about you all of the time and i will never know loyalty and love like the kind you had for me. i doubt my friends and my family and hold their actions above their words, but you were the BEST type of friend i could ever ask for. i want to marry mallory chambliss. i want closure on certain things in my life. i want to be the best in my neighborhood.