At that point
Every once in awhile, everyone falls into a stage of "I'm not good enough" and falls under depression. Where nothing around them seems to be okay, where everything seems to be going wrong. Some recover... Some never do. I've had depression since I was 13 years old, since my parents divorced. I've seen two psychologists through these nine years of depression. They didn't help. I get more nervous around them, I would scratch myself with my ever so short nails and dig my fingers into each other when I'm sitting them trying to talk to them. I wasn't ever to open myself up.
There's never a time I'm finally able to open myself up. Except for a handful of people, I can't seem to sit down and tell them about my feelings. I tried it today, I woke up this morning feeling horrible, I just wanted to talk to someone, I started silently crying when my sister was sitting right across from me, she said she didn't understand me, got up and left the room. I cried as I sat there, my head playing through things I'm not good enough in, things that I don't meet standards in. And I'm sick and disgusted of myself.
Every morning, I don't want to wake up, I want to vanish, into a world where my phone won't ring anymore. Where family members can't call me, where strangers don't give me looks because of how I look, because of my physical appearance. Yes, I'm 200 pounds, yes, I'm not pretty, yes, people make fun of me. Yes, I have a loser of a father that I have to take care of, someone that's sick, someone that everyone sees as a burden. But he's my dad, what can I do? I can't leave the burden to my younger brother and sister, that's unfair to them.
I'm afraid of loving again because I'm afraid of hurting once again. I'm afraid the person I love would not want to be with me, would see me as someone not good enough for him. I know I'm fat, I know I'm not pretty, I don't want to burden others with my love because of what I look like. I'm tired of forcing myself to change for someone that never cared about me. Tired of being second place in comparison to everything. I'm tired of looking down on myself. I hate myself and how I'm looked at by people around me. Love isn't love if one side has to try twice as hard to get attention, maybe it was never love to begin with.
I'm tired of the burden from my family. It's as if because I'm graduating from college soon, everyone wants me to do everything, take care of my dad because I'm getting a job soon, should have the financials to support him. In reality, I want to continue going to school, continue my education. My grandma from my mom's side always reminds me about how dumb I am, when I can't fix her television stuff, when I can't do other stuff, "you're in college how can you not be able to do this, you're so dumb". I'm tired of feeling not good enough, dumb, everything like that. I'm tired.
Education, I love being a linguist... I gives me hope, it makes me feel alive. It's something I'm actually good at, and I love studying it. But because of my grades, because of the effort I put in, some professors put extra weight on my shoulders so I strive to do better. And I do that, and I go far beyond others in class, work extra hard in class. But because of past failures in pre-med, I'm scared I won't get into grad school and complete what I like, what I started. What am I going to do if I can't get into grad school? Get a job? The American economy sucks and people I know that have been out of college for over two there years are still looking for work. Do I have to be something I don't want to be something that doesn't have anything to do with my passion?
I have good friends. They keep me alive. Some pressure me into trying alcohol, going to clubs, parties, making out with random guys. I admit, I've tried alcohol, went to a club and party once, but was freaked out right after, and never made out with random guys, even if guys had beer goggles they wouldn't see anything in me they'd want. Alcohol, it's really interesting and an acquired taste, truthfully it's disgusting, I don't understand why people like drinking it so much if it wasn't for the effect of it. It relaxes you and calms you, brings you to become a different you, but then when it wears off, you just start crying. Crying because you no longer feel happy, crying because you know it's not forever, this feeling you get from alcohol. That's probably why I try to stay away from it as much as possible, but sometimes it's unavoidable and it's just hard to say no. There are other friends who try to get me to talk, especially this one girl, who forces things out of me. And I HATE it. Because it makes me feel like I'm living under the pressure of a psychologist again. I don't like that feeling, why do I have to tell others about my life if I don't want to?
And then my nonblood related family. I talk to hyung often now, but I haven't had the guts to tell her about all this pent up feelings in my chest yet. We talk about kpop and things like that. It calms me and makes me happy. After talking to her, I'm able to take naps, even if just a little one. I can laugh and tell her I'm not feeling good, I can be myself. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. Aniki is mad at me because he found out about Parth. Parth is a bad influence and taught me to drink but he's always been a good friend. A friend I can count on when hyung, him and others aren't around me. When I need comfort and I need a shoulder, he's always there, and he never judged me for one thing I've ever done. He's called me dumb before for doing immature things, but he laughs along when I do it, and I feel at ease around him. I know I'm going on vacation with him and few others to Atlantic City soon, but I swear it's not for the gambling or the alcohol, I just need to get away, away from everything around me for a bit. I hope aniki understands.
Because I just can't sit in my room anymore and tell myself, if I smile, if I smile through this, things will be better, it'll be okay... Because it won't be... It never will be... Mao will never come back... Grandpa will never come back... My health won't get better... The looks people give me when they look at me won't change... And I'll never be good enough. I'll never will.
There's never a time I'm finally able to open myself up. Except for a handful of people, I can't seem to sit down and tell them about my feelings. I tried it today, I woke up this morning feeling horrible, I just wanted to talk to someone, I started silently crying when my sister was sitting right across from me, she said she didn't understand me, got up and left the room. I cried as I sat there, my head playing through things I'm not good enough in, things that I don't meet standards in. And I'm sick and disgusted of myself.
Every morning, I don't want to wake up, I want to vanish, into a world where my phone won't ring anymore. Where family members can't call me, where strangers don't give me looks because of how I look, because of my physical appearance. Yes, I'm 200 pounds, yes, I'm not pretty, yes, people make fun of me. Yes, I have a loser of a father that I have to take care of, someone that's sick, someone that everyone sees as a burden. But he's my dad, what can I do? I can't leave the burden to my younger brother and sister, that's unfair to them.
I'm afraid of loving again because I'm afraid of hurting once again. I'm afraid the person I love would not want to be with me, would see me as someone not good enough for him. I know I'm fat, I know I'm not pretty, I don't want to burden others with my love because of what I look like. I'm tired of forcing myself to change for someone that never cared about me. Tired of being second place in comparison to everything. I'm tired of looking down on myself. I hate myself and how I'm looked at by people around me. Love isn't love if one side has to try twice as hard to get attention, maybe it was never love to begin with.
I'm tired of the burden from my family. It's as if because I'm graduating from college soon, everyone wants me to do everything, take care of my dad because I'm getting a job soon, should have the financials to support him. In reality, I want to continue going to school, continue my education. My grandma from my mom's side always reminds me about how dumb I am, when I can't fix her television stuff, when I can't do other stuff, "you're in college how can you not be able to do this, you're so dumb". I'm tired of feeling not good enough, dumb, everything like that. I'm tired.
Education, I love being a linguist... I gives me hope, it makes me feel alive. It's something I'm actually good at, and I love studying it. But because of my grades, because of the effort I put in, some professors put extra weight on my shoulders so I strive to do better. And I do that, and I go far beyond others in class, work extra hard in class. But because of past failures in pre-med, I'm scared I won't get into grad school and complete what I like, what I started. What am I going to do if I can't get into grad school? Get a job? The American economy sucks and people I know that have been out of college for over two there years are still looking for work. Do I have to be something I don't want to be something that doesn't have anything to do with my passion?
I have good friends. They keep me alive. Some pressure me into trying alcohol, going to clubs, parties, making out with random guys. I admit, I've tried alcohol, went to a club and party once, but was freaked out right after, and never made out with random guys, even if guys had beer goggles they wouldn't see anything in me they'd want. Alcohol, it's really interesting and an acquired taste, truthfully it's disgusting, I don't understand why people like drinking it so much if it wasn't for the effect of it. It relaxes you and calms you, brings you to become a different you, but then when it wears off, you just start crying. Crying because you no longer feel happy, crying because you know it's not forever, this feeling you get from alcohol. That's probably why I try to stay away from it as much as possible, but sometimes it's unavoidable and it's just hard to say no. There are other friends who try to get me to talk, especially this one girl, who forces things out of me. And I HATE it. Because it makes me feel like I'm living under the pressure of a psychologist again. I don't like that feeling, why do I have to tell others about my life if I don't want to?
And then my nonblood related family. I talk to hyung often now, but I haven't had the guts to tell her about all this pent up feelings in my chest yet. We talk about kpop and things like that. It calms me and makes me happy. After talking to her, I'm able to take naps, even if just a little one. I can laugh and tell her I'm not feeling good, I can be myself. I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not. Aniki is mad at me because he found out about Parth. Parth is a bad influence and taught me to drink but he's always been a good friend. A friend I can count on when hyung, him and others aren't around me. When I need comfort and I need a shoulder, he's always there, and he never judged me for one thing I've ever done. He's called me dumb before for doing immature things, but he laughs along when I do it, and I feel at ease around him. I know I'm going on vacation with him and few others to Atlantic City soon, but I swear it's not for the gambling or the alcohol, I just need to get away, away from everything around me for a bit. I hope aniki understands.
Because I just can't sit in my room anymore and tell myself, if I smile, if I smile through this, things will be better, it'll be okay... Because it won't be... It never will be... Mao will never come back... Grandpa will never come back... My health won't get better... The looks people give me when they look at me won't change... And I'll never be good enough. I'll never will.