(no subject)
I called my mom last night because I hadn't talked to her in a few days. My grandfather took a turn for the worst and my mom said she thought he'd slip into a coma and fade out from there. She'd gone in to see him Thursday night and said he looked bad.
I was almost done at work at 3:15 when I got the call I've been keeping my phone with me 24/7 for. I was making an iced tea and an iced decaf coffee. Mom said he went peacefully in his sleep about an hour prior. I'd been thinking about him on and off all day. One of the store managers saw my phone and said that I should have it in my locker in the break room. So I had to explain the whole thing to him. I didn't know I was supposed to tell all the fucking B&N managers about my dying grandfather.
I asked her how Gram was taking all this. Mom said Gram was fine but wasn't talking about it but rather what's to come. Apparently she's feeling relieved and free now that he's gone. She's not going to feel lonely. I think that's awful. I don't feel that people should suffer when someone dies, but I find it difficult to fathom how someone one's shared 60+ years of their life with and not be upset. I remember her telling me a few years back that he was NOT her soulmate and that had she believed in divorce she would have had one a long, long time ago. Mom believes that Gram wasn't what Grampa had wanted either.
So now I'm worried that he didn't get to live the life that he wanted to live. I am burdened with sadness now. I mean, it's sad enough that my awesome grandfather is no longer here, but even more so thinking that he didn't live a truly happy life.
Now I'm feeling more pressure to figure out just what it is that I want to do with my life. I want to know at the end that I did all that I wanted to and that my life was complete. I don't want to die having regrets. No what if's. Kinda like how Nate went in Six Feet Under. He wasn't happy with Brenda and even though he was on his deathbed, he broke it off with her. It's what he wanted and needed.
No decisions have been made concerning the funeral. Mom says it's typically about three days after someone dies, which would put it at Wednesday. Our family reunion is still scheduled for this Saturday. Such an awful week...
Micah's been kinda pissy the past couple days, of course the days I need him most to be non-pissy. He ended up working a 12 hour day yesterday (and he's not supposed to work many weekends, but it was his fourth consecutive one). Of course yesterday is when I found out that Grampa was going to pass away at any time and I didn't want to be alone. I had to convince Micah to get me on his way home so I wouldn't have to be alone. Today was supposed to be a nice day but something triggered the alarm at his office and since his boss is spending the weekend at the beach in New Hampshire, he had to attend to it. He thought someone from the security company was coming to the office to go over paperwork with him, but they called his boss angry because they'd been waiting for Micah to come to THEIR office for it. So he's on his way there and is all pissed off. When I asked if he wanted me over he acted like he knew nothing about it. I reminded him that my grandfather had just died today (I'd told him earlier) and that I just wanted to be held. His response wasn't as receptive as I feel it should have been, especially when remembering his offer to come up with me if the funeral was this weekend. :(
I was almost done at work at 3:15 when I got the call I've been keeping my phone with me 24/7 for. I was making an iced tea and an iced decaf coffee. Mom said he went peacefully in his sleep about an hour prior. I'd been thinking about him on and off all day. One of the store managers saw my phone and said that I should have it in my locker in the break room. So I had to explain the whole thing to him. I didn't know I was supposed to tell all the fucking B&N managers about my dying grandfather.
I asked her how Gram was taking all this. Mom said Gram was fine but wasn't talking about it but rather what's to come. Apparently she's feeling relieved and free now that he's gone. She's not going to feel lonely. I think that's awful. I don't feel that people should suffer when someone dies, but I find it difficult to fathom how someone one's shared 60+ years of their life with and not be upset. I remember her telling me a few years back that he was NOT her soulmate and that had she believed in divorce she would have had one a long, long time ago. Mom believes that Gram wasn't what Grampa had wanted either.
So now I'm worried that he didn't get to live the life that he wanted to live. I am burdened with sadness now. I mean, it's sad enough that my awesome grandfather is no longer here, but even more so thinking that he didn't live a truly happy life.
Now I'm feeling more pressure to figure out just what it is that I want to do with my life. I want to know at the end that I did all that I wanted to and that my life was complete. I don't want to die having regrets. No what if's. Kinda like how Nate went in Six Feet Under. He wasn't happy with Brenda and even though he was on his deathbed, he broke it off with her. It's what he wanted and needed.
No decisions have been made concerning the funeral. Mom says it's typically about three days after someone dies, which would put it at Wednesday. Our family reunion is still scheduled for this Saturday. Such an awful week...
Micah's been kinda pissy the past couple days, of course the days I need him most to be non-pissy. He ended up working a 12 hour day yesterday (and he's not supposed to work many weekends, but it was his fourth consecutive one). Of course yesterday is when I found out that Grampa was going to pass away at any time and I didn't want to be alone. I had to convince Micah to get me on his way home so I wouldn't have to be alone. Today was supposed to be a nice day but something triggered the alarm at his office and since his boss is spending the weekend at the beach in New Hampshire, he had to attend to it. He thought someone from the security company was coming to the office to go over paperwork with him, but they called his boss angry because they'd been waiting for Micah to come to THEIR office for it. So he's on his way there and is all pissed off. When I asked if he wanted me over he acted like he knew nothing about it. I reminded him that my grandfather had just died today (I'd told him earlier) and that I just wanted to be held. His response wasn't as receptive as I feel it should have been, especially when remembering his offer to come up with me if the funeral was this weekend. :(