death
My aunt died this morning.
I refuse to use words like "passed away" or "passed on" because it just seems like using euphemisms to describe death is rude and/or belittles the subject matter. Then again, I've never had to write or speak about death in such a personal manner before. I dunno.
I don't know what to feel. I feel sad, I think, but I also feel happy that she's no longer suffering. The cancer came back two years ago (my very first day of uni) and the chemo was always hard on her. The last month or two she was so weak -- she needed help with everything. She also lost her hearing in her right ear, signifying the cancer was starting to spread to the brain. This is definitely for the best. My feeling of relief and sadness are canceling each other out and I just feel numb right now. If that makes any sense.
One thing that struck me hard was that the 19th was my cousin, her son's, birthday. She had been hospitalized a few days before, but had somehow hung in there as to not die on her son's birthday. She was always caring like that.
The worst part about all of this is that I cannot be with my family right now. My other aunt, my cousin, and my grandma are all a wreck, I'm sure, and there's nothing I can do for them. I'm 6,000 miles away. I would fly home in an instant if they asked me to, but they forebode even the idea of me coming back. Before I left, my aunt told me that studying abroad is a once in a lifetime opportunity and to, no matter what, not cut it short if something were to happen. She wanted me to enjoy Japan to the fullest. I guess that's the only thing I can do right now.
By the way, I'm sure the typhoon has been all over the news. Don't worry -- Osaka is perfectly fine. It's not even raining anymore.
I refuse to use words like "passed away" or "passed on" because it just seems like using euphemisms to describe death is rude and/or belittles the subject matter. Then again, I've never had to write or speak about death in such a personal manner before. I dunno.
I don't know what to feel. I feel sad, I think, but I also feel happy that she's no longer suffering. The cancer came back two years ago (my very first day of uni) and the chemo was always hard on her. The last month or two she was so weak -- she needed help with everything. She also lost her hearing in her right ear, signifying the cancer was starting to spread to the brain. This is definitely for the best. My feeling of relief and sadness are canceling each other out and I just feel numb right now. If that makes any sense.
One thing that struck me hard was that the 19th was my cousin, her son's, birthday. She had been hospitalized a few days before, but had somehow hung in there as to not die on her son's birthday. She was always caring like that.
The worst part about all of this is that I cannot be with my family right now. My other aunt, my cousin, and my grandma are all a wreck, I'm sure, and there's nothing I can do for them. I'm 6,000 miles away. I would fly home in an instant if they asked me to, but they forebode even the idea of me coming back. Before I left, my aunt told me that studying abroad is a once in a lifetime opportunity and to, no matter what, not cut it short if something were to happen. She wanted me to enjoy Japan to the fullest. I guess that's the only thing I can do right now.
By the way, I'm sure the typhoon has been all over the news. Don't worry -- Osaka is perfectly fine. It's not even raining anymore.