It just never ends
For some reason, Amy and I just cannot stop our run-around. Last night she and i talked for over an hour, and revealed some things about ourselves that we had not been completely open about. While it felt good, it was extremely difficult to end the conversation on a good note. I told her that the kinds of friends I like to have are the kind I can just say, "Ok, I have to go now, bye," and not have to make a big deal of things, and she just dismissed me and said, "We're done now, bye." Now, just reading that, you might be willing to interpret her words as simple and in line with what I was saying, but knowing her, and hearing her tone, I know she was angry. She's always angry with me. Is it not some sort of signal that we aren't meant to be talking yet? I mean, most of the conversation was quite good, but there are just enough verbal stabs to indicate that there is no way we can date again. Maybe it's just me. She kept insisting that we try again, and that things will be different this time, and that we are different people, yadda yadda yadda...however, I know myself well enough to know that if I were to get into this, I would see all the same flaws, start all the same arguments, and reach all the same conclusions, and break her heart yet again. I don't need that anymore.
She's a sweet girl, and one of the best things to happen in my life, but I just cannot put up with things at this time in my life. I'm a senior in college, I am going to be away all summer, and I really want to spend time with my friends, doing things on my schedule. When we dated, my schedule was fairly inconsequential. We hung out in my free time, I gave up social events to go on dates with her--the usual couple scenario, I suppose. Most importantly, I was unable to be as social as I naturally am. I wasn't allowed to talk to girls, because it was always seen as flirting, never as me just having a good time. To be honest, I do flirt, I'm sorry. It's mostly harmless, and I know that it doesn't lead to anything, mostly because I don't think any of the girls I flirt with even notice, so really it's nothing. I just need my time to live, to not be angry, frustrated, or bored. All things that eventually led to our break up. But, still, two months later, my balls are in a vice, because she calls me to tell me she's heard things about me, but she's not angry, yet she yells at me, only to apologize a minute later. I cannot compete with her emotions; I cannot read her feelings anymore; she and I are no longer--we are seperate.
She's a sweet girl, and one of the best things to happen in my life, but I just cannot put up with things at this time in my life. I'm a senior in college, I am going to be away all summer, and I really want to spend time with my friends, doing things on my schedule. When we dated, my schedule was fairly inconsequential. We hung out in my free time, I gave up social events to go on dates with her--the usual couple scenario, I suppose. Most importantly, I was unable to be as social as I naturally am. I wasn't allowed to talk to girls, because it was always seen as flirting, never as me just having a good time. To be honest, I do flirt, I'm sorry. It's mostly harmless, and I know that it doesn't lead to anything, mostly because I don't think any of the girls I flirt with even notice, so really it's nothing. I just need my time to live, to not be angry, frustrated, or bored. All things that eventually led to our break up. But, still, two months later, my balls are in a vice, because she calls me to tell me she's heard things about me, but she's not angry, yet she yells at me, only to apologize a minute later. I cannot compete with her emotions; I cannot read her feelings anymore; she and I are no longer--we are seperate.