.................... staring into the stars hopeing i could be up there........ away from here
ok obviously im not going to be lesbian and obviously i cant get/keep a
guy and i hate this. im going to end up dying alone........ i can
already tell. once i dream of it it will be carved in stone. well i
already had that dream where im standing alone looking at everyone
below me happy for a lil' while admiring how well i brought them up or
helped them in some way (btw the people i see all have someone......
dotn get mad at me but here is how everyone was paired nicki to
whitney, tiffany to nick, krysten to patrick, everyone else i have
known in my life time was there too and was paired with someone. and
there i was happy i put them together or atleast feeling i had some
part of it) but then i felt alone and i put myself there up alone away
from everyone and i saw everyone in a valley or something down below
having fun and enjoying them selves and i wanted to have fun too with
all of them but something was holding me back. This isnt telling of the
future like my last dream this is more like the present cause thats hwo
i feel. like im happy with what i have done but not happy that i havent
helped myself. i dunno why but i do. i lie awake and my mind wonders at
night i keep on feeling that i dotn belong here that i need to go to a
mental insituation (and im sure people whisper that i need to go too
around me) "Tourniquet"
i tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
i lay dying
and i'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
i'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
am i too lost?
random i know but yeah.......... oh great until the day i die by story
of the year has just came on....... i hate that i can love a song so
much yet allow the song to sadden me. i need to sit down one day and
list the pros and cons of my life to figure out what i will do in the
future..... down side of that plan is that i might be over come with
guilt of all that i done and think that i dont deserve life..... but im
soooo afraid of death im TERRIFIED. god damnit im about to cry and my
dad is watching tv to I CANT CRY!!!!! (fyi im on the living room comp)
and now i got another window open to read what some one posted in my
last entry. and they said (if you dotn feel like reading it) "um me
tell you somthing u dont need 2 let urself down but u defanitly dont
need to be a matchmaker" so obviously i just exist then that im not
ment here for anything but as someone to learn how to love and not be
loved back until its too late for. it seems that god (if there is even
one taht exist) will say "you were a mistake" then i would say "what a
fucking shocker i was just thinking the same thing thanks for
clearifying that for me oh and great job on trying to fix me" well the
dog is in the house now...... well house broken but i wouldnt leave him
home alone personally. but yeah this dog wont leave my side which is
making me think he knows somethings is wrong EVEN though ever since he
has met me he hasnt seen me truely happy..... what a quawinkerdink.
well i dotn want to waste TOO MUCH space on myself even though i just
wasted alot but who cares ........ oh wait i know that answer .... no
one. ( g2g i was invited into a chat..... with no other than krysten
and patrick and nicki..... so far