(no subject)
so I am currently sitting in Laurens room crying with rachel, lauren, kiya, and her two friends because i am having a really really hard time right now. I'm not sure why. it's just that little bit of everything syndrome I always seem to have. So one of Kiya's friends teaches kindergarden and we start talking about how we love 4 year olds. Then Rachel goes "Oh and how old is Athena? and you're missing it?" Like what the fuck? And it's not all her fault. I want her to read this and I want her to know it's not her fault (oh wow and what fantastic timing...at this very moment she just came in here crying as well trying to talk to me and apologize. I can't get any words out without crying right now. Too bad she can't understand that I'm not trying to cry right now. But that's another story...I guess let's taurentino this and go back...) oh YEAH...it's not Rachel's fault. That was just the culminating point that I realize that she doesn't get at all what I'm going through right now and that "what I'm going through" is a little more severe than I had thought...
So here were talking about Athena, and i'm thinking "Stephanie didn't think to call me. She didn't even think I would LOVE to hear from her and Athena on Christmas? on my birhtday maybe? Or like, no? she's too pissed that I don't have her fake id to her yet." and then I think "Fuck, WHY on earth would rachel even SAY that!?" Does she not realize I've been trying not to cry in front of anyone for like the entire week ALL the time? Like, all day long, I want to cry." All that is running through my head as I leave the room saying "Really, Rachel? Fuck you." Very harsh I know and I apologize deeply. In my every day living life with Rachel I know how sensitive she is which is why I don't call her out on things I know will hurt her feelings. I know her skin isn't as thick as mine. Like I go through my days making sure I don't say something to hurt her feelings and for her to say something like that, my snap judgement just went outta control and hurting Rachel's feelings is how I wanted to retailiate...BUT at the very least I know and Rachel can know, that our exchange that we just had as the worst it will probably ever get.
Wow, so Lauren just came in and I guess I can't talk to her yet without crying either so...
Dear Lauren,
I appreciate you a great heaping deal. I am forever in your debt and could never thank you enough for letting me squat at your pad. If I were to ever have said that out loud to you for it is exactly how I feel, it would have sounded so strange. I have always had the WORST communication skills because my family has always had the worst communication skills ESPECIALLY with feelings and thanks and sorrys. Imagine if you had raised Rachel, pretty much someone gave you food and stuff to play with and house to kick it in. Would you have taught her how important please and thank yous were? My aunt raised me. The way I show gratutide is really by being your personal slave/assisant like indentured servitude. So I apologize that my non verbal thanks (in the form of washing your week old cereal bowls and one time something that was straight ROTTING in your room) got lost in translation. I really honestly never knew a pat on the back and a thanks, bro meant that much. SO I know to shoot you a couple of thumbs ups-skis at you here and there. And I think I myself just figured out my plan so I share...it's time we call a roommate pow wow.
I think thats enough for me to come back and be social so here I come.
So here were talking about Athena, and i'm thinking "Stephanie didn't think to call me. She didn't even think I would LOVE to hear from her and Athena on Christmas? on my birhtday maybe? Or like, no? she's too pissed that I don't have her fake id to her yet." and then I think "Fuck, WHY on earth would rachel even SAY that!?" Does she not realize I've been trying not to cry in front of anyone for like the entire week ALL the time? Like, all day long, I want to cry." All that is running through my head as I leave the room saying "Really, Rachel? Fuck you." Very harsh I know and I apologize deeply. In my every day living life with Rachel I know how sensitive she is which is why I don't call her out on things I know will hurt her feelings. I know her skin isn't as thick as mine. Like I go through my days making sure I don't say something to hurt her feelings and for her to say something like that, my snap judgement just went outta control and hurting Rachel's feelings is how I wanted to retailiate...BUT at the very least I know and Rachel can know, that our exchange that we just had as the worst it will probably ever get.
Wow, so Lauren just came in and I guess I can't talk to her yet without crying either so...
Dear Lauren,
I appreciate you a great heaping deal. I am forever in your debt and could never thank you enough for letting me squat at your pad. If I were to ever have said that out loud to you for it is exactly how I feel, it would have sounded so strange. I have always had the WORST communication skills because my family has always had the worst communication skills ESPECIALLY with feelings and thanks and sorrys. Imagine if you had raised Rachel, pretty much someone gave you food and stuff to play with and house to kick it in. Would you have taught her how important please and thank yous were? My aunt raised me. The way I show gratutide is really by being your personal slave/assisant like indentured servitude. So I apologize that my non verbal thanks (in the form of washing your week old cereal bowls and one time something that was straight ROTTING in your room) got lost in translation. I really honestly never knew a pat on the back and a thanks, bro meant that much. SO I know to shoot you a couple of thumbs ups-skis at you here and there. And I think I myself just figured out my plan so I share...it's time we call a roommate pow wow.
I think thats enough for me to come back and be social so here I come.