Nov 10, 2005 05:08
This morning on the train back from Nikkis, two families sat on either side of me. The father and son on my left had white blonde hair, perfect. The four year old and his dad speculated about everything together: the third rail on the subway, the harbor under the bridge, other passengers...he was a great father.
The family on my left scared me. I sat listening to two middle aged parents arguing about what kind of microbrew to consume that afternoon, and financial difficulties involving rent. Their three daughters ran about the train, the oldest tried to go into a purse on one of the seats beside her- and was soon after struck by her mother.
I miss my own childhood and innocence. The innocence, actually, was abandoned only about 2 years ago. I spent the rest of today contemplating where I would be now, what kind of person, and who my friends would be had I made different decisions.
I am having so much fun, and I feel that I know myself better than most people my age, but theres something missing. What that is- I have no idea. I do, have everything I need and anything I could ever want but that doesnt really mean shit does it? People keep walking away from me and that hurts. Ive grown so much in the past year its scary. If I could change anything, Id go back to last year and tell myself a variety of things: You dont need her. You dont need the drugs. Dont fall in love again. Stop cutting your hair. Respect your parents- you wont alwys have them. Dont do favors for people who wouldnt do the same for you. You dont always need to be occupied.....