Mantra
sooooo trying to lose weight.... bane of my existance? i want to.. i really do but then when i get told i can't do something or that i shouldn't instantly thats ALLLLLL i want to do ... seriously... if i just didnt' have it and no one said anything i could probably care less but once its taboo.. everything goes out the window. Its something dee inside my genes i beleive... i have always been this way. This includes FEEDOM.
i've been thinking alot about my mother. i would LOVE for her to get it through her head that i am not a horrible person. i am not a horrible child and i NEVER was. i would love it if one day she called and apologized. Can one really get healthy and over it if i still have feelings of hate and anger towards them? I mean i suppose i should be in the forgive but not forget stage, but really i don't want to forgive her. she made my life hell for 6 years. 6 fucking years! i could not even hold my fork the right way for christ sakes... i was terrified to ask a simple question for fear of it turning into a 4 hour long battle about whatever in the entire world! How do you forgive that shit? Sometimes i think... yea i could put it aside if it means having a relationship, talking, catching up and seeing Thomas.. but then i am triggered by some crazy parent at the park, or by a simple gesture or remark about someone else's life and WHAM i am right back at 16 being woken up at 1 am after an argument that lasted 4 hours, being thrown out of the house because she was "tired of my shit" (what shit can you get into when you are asleep in your bed from 11:30- 1 am ...i will never know) HOOOOOWWWW do you get over this?
Patience is a virtue i suppose.
Mostly i would like her to own up to the shit she put me through.. maybe not even apologize if she couldn't but i want her to UNDERSTAND what she did, how she made me feel every second of every day. I often feel like she doesn't even know.. like she thinks everything was perfectly normal and that i was the crazy delusional one... how else could she look at herself really? I kind of feel like i should let her know exactly what these things were, not just for her to hear, but for me to remember. The mind has a way of filing away certain memories of events and bringing them up when one is unprepaired to deal with them. It interesting and infuriating at the same time.
One day i will be normal. This should be my mantra.
The other mantra should be Suck it up buttercup!
i've been thinking alot about my mother. i would LOVE for her to get it through her head that i am not a horrible person. i am not a horrible child and i NEVER was. i would love it if one day she called and apologized. Can one really get healthy and over it if i still have feelings of hate and anger towards them? I mean i suppose i should be in the forgive but not forget stage, but really i don't want to forgive her. she made my life hell for 6 years. 6 fucking years! i could not even hold my fork the right way for christ sakes... i was terrified to ask a simple question for fear of it turning into a 4 hour long battle about whatever in the entire world! How do you forgive that shit? Sometimes i think... yea i could put it aside if it means having a relationship, talking, catching up and seeing Thomas.. but then i am triggered by some crazy parent at the park, or by a simple gesture or remark about someone else's life and WHAM i am right back at 16 being woken up at 1 am after an argument that lasted 4 hours, being thrown out of the house because she was "tired of my shit" (what shit can you get into when you are asleep in your bed from 11:30- 1 am ...i will never know) HOOOOOWWWW do you get over this?
Patience is a virtue i suppose.
Mostly i would like her to own up to the shit she put me through.. maybe not even apologize if she couldn't but i want her to UNDERSTAND what she did, how she made me feel every second of every day. I often feel like she doesn't even know.. like she thinks everything was perfectly normal and that i was the crazy delusional one... how else could she look at herself really? I kind of feel like i should let her know exactly what these things were, not just for her to hear, but for me to remember. The mind has a way of filing away certain memories of events and bringing them up when one is unprepaired to deal with them. It interesting and infuriating at the same time.
One day i will be normal. This should be my mantra.
The other mantra should be Suck it up buttercup!