Jan 02, 2007 14:01
I don't know about anyone else, but I have a hard time believing in things (people/situations/etc). Don't get me wrong, I'm not a
pessimist. I'm actually quite an optimist really. But I've been through enough and seen enough to understand the reality of it all. That unfortunately, does get me down. I would call myself a "Realist", if I must have a label.
On most days, this doesn't bother me or even affect me. The difference today would be, that I found a situation (thats what we'll
refer to it as) that made me feel that maybe I was wrong. Maybe there is that one perfect, sweet situation out there and maybe karma has come around and smiled on me for once. I mean I really felt deeply about this situation and genuinely "believed".
For a little over a week, closer to two, this brought me alot of joy and happieness. Like WHOA! Then BAM! ...GONE! Imagine, not being able to trust or believe in things, THEN Being overwhelmed by something and choosing to believe in it, only to lose it a week later. It's about like your parents convincing you that there really is a santa claus AGAIN, only to find out a week later that they lied to you again. This is far worse, I promise you.
The question I keep asking myself is, what now? How do you bounce back from that? My usual approach is to shut that part of myself off from the rest and not revisit it again. The downside to that is I've had to do that so much in my life, that I feel as if alot of me is pretty much unavailable.
For me personally, I am tired of games, tired of bullshit. I want to invest my time in someting meaningful and worth while. This
obviously wasn't meant to be and that is something I will just have to accept. Though the thing that troubles me, is that when I try and do the right thing, and break the cycle of how my lifestyle is, it goes to complete shit! It just does not work! The other side to that coin, is letting myself get all caught up in the things I am involved in, my ego and such. And you know what, THIS IS WHEN EVERYTHING WORKS! What the hell? So basically, my life facilitates me being an asshole. For those of you who really know me (which I can really only think of a handful who truly do), I'm not a dick. I don't enjoy being a jerk to peope or being selfish. I'm actually a very giving, big hearted, caring person. There's alot more to me than "genocide the synth player for whomever".
Any advice... or comments... or suggestions... are welcome!