(no subject)

Mar 28, 2011 23:48

i struggle a lot with accepting the reality of certain/many situations

1. i'm graduating from college in a month and a half. i've been, essentially, in denial about this for quite some time and i honestly have no idea what i'm doing once i'm done with school. i can probably get my intern job back this summer but then i'd be living at home, which i do not want to do, but can't afford not to do. so it's a double edged sword and i feel kind of trapped, at a time in my life where i thought i'd feel the most free

2. my father is not getting better. the handful of times i've come home this year, he's been thinner and more drained than he was the last time time i saw him. when i was home this past week for spring break, i could feel all the bones in his back whenever i would hug him. he took a leave of absence from work because he doesn't have any energy and he's just really worn out and can't keep food down. i feel empty whenever i think about it. i'm really scared that i'm going to lose my dad, and i feel like i can't even say that aloud because i'll be bombarded with the "don't think that way"/ "stay positive"/ "have faith" comments. i'm allowed to be scared, and why shouldn't i be? i'm so fucking angry...at god, i guess, which might sound childish but i honestly don't know who or what else i could possibly direct my anger towards. one time at church when my mom asked the congregation to pray for him and i got visibly upset right there in the pew, a woman leaned over to me and whispered, "it's okay to be angry." this was years ago and i still think about it today. i'm allowed to be angry, and i am. i don't want to lose my dad, and i'd like to think that i won't, but the thought is plaguing my mind

3. my senior thesis is due in six days and i am barely halfway finished writing it

i'm feeling really overwhelmed
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