I'm A One Way Motorway
I have changed so much, and come so far. I have passed too many points of no return to keep track of them all. I've been through relapses and moments where I can't possibly be sad about it and moments where everything in my universe is all perfectly aligned.
And now...it just feels like I'm different. A new and improved me. Like maybe the world could make sense and work in the way it should work, not the stupid movie-inspired way. I don't know what I'm saying...I guess I'm just feeling very out of sorts. So much in my life has changed in the past week and a half that I'm struggling to catch up. And after this weekend, a lot more could shift, or start to.
Half of me feels like what I'm doing this weekend is a positive step, definitely a step in the right direction. And the other half of me? Feels like I could be walking into a huge mistake. And not one, but two. Like I could be totally defying my notion of how much I've changed by walking into the same mistake of trusting way too easily and getting totally stabbed in the back in the process. This time my walls are up, but the plans are still in place...and that says a lot. Shit. Here's hoping this weekend is a step in a positive direction and not a reversal.
The saddest moment I've had in at least two months hit me Sunday night. I tried explaining it to Amanda but the words did not do justice to the emotions I felt that night. I literally was using words, the most evocative words I could come up with, and they still fell so far short of my actual emotions it wasn't even funny. Because no one could understand where I'm coming from, why I hurt that much. I didn't even understand it all the way, or where it came from. I just knew that I did, and it hurt, and I cried silent gut-wrenching sobs for five minutes feeling like my heart was breaking all over again before I told myself that it was temporary and would all be over when I woke up in the morning.
The strange this is, that's true. It still makes me uneasy though, that a reaction like that came upon me so fast, and so furiously. Makes me question how much progress I've really made. But since that night, and for a long time prior to that night, those emotions no longer existed inside me. And that was a nice change, a step of progress.
Yet at the same time I feel like I'm fooling myself to an unimaginable degree. There's no way I could do that situation again. And definitely not so soon. And definitely not like this. It wouldn't be fair to any of the parties involved, and it would actually be detrimental. That's why I think this weekend might be essentially pointless.
I just want simplicity again. I want to go back to senior year, where I wake up and drive to school and see the water every morning and listen to my music and meet my friends and we laugh and I go to class and I fit with more than one group and when I go home I'm happy. I guess that's not totally fair, because in all honesty I'm happy this way too.
I want a very specific type of security...but when that opportunity presented itself it was what set off that massive heart attack that I referenced earlier.
I feel like I'm fighting a war with myself. Close people out, or let them in. Not knowing the people, just using them as examples. Like the very act itself is enough, whether or not the person is good to me or not. I don't know. I'm confused, and I have an essay to finish. But I don't want to. This is the first entry in a long time where I've just let myself type exactly what I"m feeling, without thinking too much about it or trying to censor it as much.
I just miss something nameless, something that I can't understand. It's like missing something from a past life. It's not part of you, not anymore...but at the same time you know it's there. That's what this is like.
More than anything, I have realized I want a family. Not to say I'm going to marry myself off to the first guy I see, and pop out a couple of kids right away. But I will be so unimaginably happy on my wedding day, with the right guy...and the first time I hold my first child. Building a life, building a family. I know it's hard, and takes so much work...but that is what I want more than anything. That security, that place that I belong, with others who will love me unconditionally, and who I will love unconditionally.
Ah, I really do want to get that essay done with. I'm sorry for the emo nature of this post.
And now...it just feels like I'm different. A new and improved me. Like maybe the world could make sense and work in the way it should work, not the stupid movie-inspired way. I don't know what I'm saying...I guess I'm just feeling very out of sorts. So much in my life has changed in the past week and a half that I'm struggling to catch up. And after this weekend, a lot more could shift, or start to.
Half of me feels like what I'm doing this weekend is a positive step, definitely a step in the right direction. And the other half of me? Feels like I could be walking into a huge mistake. And not one, but two. Like I could be totally defying my notion of how much I've changed by walking into the same mistake of trusting way too easily and getting totally stabbed in the back in the process. This time my walls are up, but the plans are still in place...and that says a lot. Shit. Here's hoping this weekend is a step in a positive direction and not a reversal.
The saddest moment I've had in at least two months hit me Sunday night. I tried explaining it to Amanda but the words did not do justice to the emotions I felt that night. I literally was using words, the most evocative words I could come up with, and they still fell so far short of my actual emotions it wasn't even funny. Because no one could understand where I'm coming from, why I hurt that much. I didn't even understand it all the way, or where it came from. I just knew that I did, and it hurt, and I cried silent gut-wrenching sobs for five minutes feeling like my heart was breaking all over again before I told myself that it was temporary and would all be over when I woke up in the morning.
The strange this is, that's true. It still makes me uneasy though, that a reaction like that came upon me so fast, and so furiously. Makes me question how much progress I've really made. But since that night, and for a long time prior to that night, those emotions no longer existed inside me. And that was a nice change, a step of progress.
Yet at the same time I feel like I'm fooling myself to an unimaginable degree. There's no way I could do that situation again. And definitely not so soon. And definitely not like this. It wouldn't be fair to any of the parties involved, and it would actually be detrimental. That's why I think this weekend might be essentially pointless.
I just want simplicity again. I want to go back to senior year, where I wake up and drive to school and see the water every morning and listen to my music and meet my friends and we laugh and I go to class and I fit with more than one group and when I go home I'm happy. I guess that's not totally fair, because in all honesty I'm happy this way too.
I want a very specific type of security...but when that opportunity presented itself it was what set off that massive heart attack that I referenced earlier.
I feel like I'm fighting a war with myself. Close people out, or let them in. Not knowing the people, just using them as examples. Like the very act itself is enough, whether or not the person is good to me or not. I don't know. I'm confused, and I have an essay to finish. But I don't want to. This is the first entry in a long time where I've just let myself type exactly what I"m feeling, without thinking too much about it or trying to censor it as much.
I just miss something nameless, something that I can't understand. It's like missing something from a past life. It's not part of you, not anymore...but at the same time you know it's there. That's what this is like.
More than anything, I have realized I want a family. Not to say I'm going to marry myself off to the first guy I see, and pop out a couple of kids right away. But I will be so unimaginably happy on my wedding day, with the right guy...and the first time I hold my first child. Building a life, building a family. I know it's hard, and takes so much work...but that is what I want more than anything. That security, that place that I belong, with others who will love me unconditionally, and who I will love unconditionally.
Ah, I really do want to get that essay done with. I'm sorry for the emo nature of this post.