weirdness
Strange, and totally out of nowhere...I kinda miss Ryan. I was reading a xanga entry from about a month ago about when we went out and it made me smile remembering how easy it was to be with him. And in this one moment, I just wish I could hang out with him again and be affected by his casual languidness. That's what he does for me. Whenever I see him he's always so cool, so laid back and calm and even. I feel nervous, twitchy, jangly, high- strung whenever I'm first with him, but by the end of the night, the end of talking and casual meaningless flirting I feel different, lighter, easier. Smoother. Like all the rough edges have been sanded away and all that's left is a polished sheen of happiness and relaxation.
I don't know why I should miss him. He's not what I'd call a "good friend," if you define a good friend as one you keep in touch with all the time. I mean, as far as guys go, he'll never be a Jerry or an Evan or a Shawn. But at the same time, he is a good friend. If I called him and needed something, he'd do everything in his power to help me. In all these years, through all the silences (intentional and unintentional) his loyalty has never wavered. And the older we get, the more we start to have in common, and the closer we get when we do hang out.
Just now, I'm thinking about the last time we saw each other - bowling and pool and air hockey. And then we just sat down and talked for an hour and a half. When he came up to my car, I was still crying, having just found out something that hurt me really badly and sobbed on the phone so hard to Evan that I seriously almost threw up. Then I saw Ryan, tears still streaming down my face, still miserable, and once he gave me a hug hello and I caught wind of his calmness and his relaxation the emotions inside of me started to take a backseat. Not fifteen minutes later he and I were flirting (meaningless, as I said), playing pool. And I was smiling. SMILING. Happy. Not faking or hollow or meaningless at all. He gave me back a smile and he gave me back my equilibrium at a time when I could so easily have fallen apart. So for that, for that one night, I will always be grateful to him. Any harm or pain that he caused me three years ago has since been invalidated by his unwavering friendship, and the balance that he gives me when I need it. I don't ask him for much, nor does he ask me for much, so when one of us does ask we know it's important.
It's nice that we can compliment each other on everything, knowing that it means nothing romantically but means everything, because it's our true feelings. I never look at him and wonder if he's lying to me or hiding things from me. He doesn't play mind games. Anything on his mind, he says, and says candidly. Yet at the same time he's gentle about it - he would never say anything intentionally to hurt me. In fact, he would take down anyone who talked smack about me. I miss that, and on a totally unrelated subject, that's something I've always wanted/admired in a relationship. Pure loyalty.
But yeah. This was going to be a one sentence post - "for some strange reason, right now I miss Ryan." But then I started actually thinking about it and all the rest of this came out. But I think it's a good thing, 'cause I feel more relaxed now, like through writing about his calmness I've remembered it myself. And that's a good feeling.
So here's to you, Ryan. And thanks for everything.
I don't know why I should miss him. He's not what I'd call a "good friend," if you define a good friend as one you keep in touch with all the time. I mean, as far as guys go, he'll never be a Jerry or an Evan or a Shawn. But at the same time, he is a good friend. If I called him and needed something, he'd do everything in his power to help me. In all these years, through all the silences (intentional and unintentional) his loyalty has never wavered. And the older we get, the more we start to have in common, and the closer we get when we do hang out.
Just now, I'm thinking about the last time we saw each other - bowling and pool and air hockey. And then we just sat down and talked for an hour and a half. When he came up to my car, I was still crying, having just found out something that hurt me really badly and sobbed on the phone so hard to Evan that I seriously almost threw up. Then I saw Ryan, tears still streaming down my face, still miserable, and once he gave me a hug hello and I caught wind of his calmness and his relaxation the emotions inside of me started to take a backseat. Not fifteen minutes later he and I were flirting (meaningless, as I said), playing pool. And I was smiling. SMILING. Happy. Not faking or hollow or meaningless at all. He gave me back a smile and he gave me back my equilibrium at a time when I could so easily have fallen apart. So for that, for that one night, I will always be grateful to him. Any harm or pain that he caused me three years ago has since been invalidated by his unwavering friendship, and the balance that he gives me when I need it. I don't ask him for much, nor does he ask me for much, so when one of us does ask we know it's important.
It's nice that we can compliment each other on everything, knowing that it means nothing romantically but means everything, because it's our true feelings. I never look at him and wonder if he's lying to me or hiding things from me. He doesn't play mind games. Anything on his mind, he says, and says candidly. Yet at the same time he's gentle about it - he would never say anything intentionally to hurt me. In fact, he would take down anyone who talked smack about me. I miss that, and on a totally unrelated subject, that's something I've always wanted/admired in a relationship. Pure loyalty.
But yeah. This was going to be a one sentence post - "for some strange reason, right now I miss Ryan." But then I started actually thinking about it and all the rest of this came out. But I think it's a good thing, 'cause I feel more relaxed now, like through writing about his calmness I've remembered it myself. And that's a good feeling.
So here's to you, Ryan. And thanks for everything.