at your funeral.

[udontknowmenow]

last night we all ended up getting drunk, which sounds bad like celebrating but i think it was to relax. it really helped grandpa's son john. he needed something. i have had saves the day stuck in my head. this was the most quickly put together funeral ever. we only had one showing time so it was packed. but he wanted something simple and quick, so we gave that to him. it was really hard. especially because of my brothers and 2 little cousins. my grandma finally let it all out and i was happy but really upset of course. i love her so much. she shouldnt have to act so strong all of the time. i think i am going to stay here until tuesday morning because i want to be with her (and not her and a whole bunch of randoms like it has been). but i am also sad because ryan is back and i want to see him so bad. i miss him so freakin much. hopefully being here can keep my mind off of him. i dont feel like doing anything. i am scared for when it comes time to read the will because we know he was a jerk and left close to nothing to my grandma who recently went on disability. she is going to need a lot of help, finacially and emotionally.

i need a shower really bad.

this sucks. yup that about sums it up.

"And you can bet when we mourn the death of you that night (of you that night)
They'll lay me on the dinner table
I will be the pig
With the apple in my mouth
The food that celebrates your end

And at your funeral,
I will sing the requiem
I'd offer you my hand
It would hurt too much to watch you die"