Oh Jeez
I feel so terrible, but I really shouldn’t. Last week I turned down a date offer, and last night I accepted having a casual dinner as friends. The person who asked is not only someone who I have no attraction to whatsoever, but he is also moving to New York in five days. So as I came back to my horribly depressing, unimaginably smelly room, I sat on my bed and wondered, why not? I have no friends here, this person will never turn in to more than a friendly conversation, and I have nothing else so do. I threw on a pair on jeans and a shirt and waited for him to finish up at the gym and we went. It was great sushi but forced conversation gets tiring after awhile. I wished him well in New York, thanked him for getting me out of my room for awhile, and climbed the stairs back up to my room alone.
This was the night. Nothing happened and I didn’t even think of wanting anything to. Most of dinner we talked about our past relationships. He and his girlfriend had just broken up because he was moving to New York permanently, and I told him about mine, how I’m still in love with him and that is why I said no the first time he asked me out, and insisted that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I didn’t realize he wasn’t either until he told me he was leaving, all his friends are in New York, and he felt bad for my summer school situation, which is why he asked if I liked Sushi.
It wasn’t even a question that I wouldn’t tell someone about this dinner. I could have never mentioned it to anyone, but there was nothing to hide and I wasn’t even prepared for the hurt I would cause by telling him this. For awhile I felt so awful. I woke up with this sick feeling this morning and didn’t know how I could have made such a terrible mistake in even going out with anyone. But then I realized something. He broke up with me. I am sitting here alone at school and someone who could never amount to more than a fun dinner asked me to leave the campus and I said yes. I didn’t do anything wrong at all, and I had no intention of romantically seeing anyone or even thinking about it. And he was angry at me. So angry. I did nothing, and it made me realize how selfish he is. He let me go, and the fact that I have been clinging on for so long, driving to his house at almost 12:00 to spend the night and getting yelled at, and staying, and STILL being in love with him! Its my life not his, and the fact that I’m still holding on to him is my own fault, but I definitely do not deserve for him to be mad at me for any of this.
If he never wants to talk to me again it’s his fault, not mine, because I actually love him. I wouldn’t have even mentioned any of this if I didn’t, and I would have gone out on dates if I didn’t, and I would have moved on if I didn’t. But I do. And maybe now, with this whole situation, which is really no situation at all, if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me over this, then I did myself a favor by letting him let go of me, because I could never let go of him on my own.
As I sit in my room trying to concentrate on my next book, my mind is filled with images of only one thing. My body literally aches thinking about him. What is he doing right now, I wonder? I see him in my mind but that’s not enough. I want him to wrap his arms around me so much that it hurts to think about it, when I know that it might not ever happen again. He’s just so wonderfully perfect for me. I would give anything to lay in bed with him one more time just laughing and screaming and all of those fun things we did when we were together, and even those times when we weren’t. I don’t think there was ever a dull moment when I was with him. We made our own fun, or misery, every second we spent together. He was just so consuming. I wish he was here, I can’t stand going this long without seeing or talking to him. I keep hoping he will call but I know that he won’t especially now, after all of this, that wasn’t even anything at all. I just miss him so much that I’m going crazy with loneliness for him. So many times this week I have wanted to text him and say "ok! Lets be together, I’m willing to try it yet again, I know we can do it!". But then I think about it, and it sounds so silly. "I’m willing to try it again, because the last two times you did dump me, but I just loved the pain so much I’m coming back for more!" Or maybe I should just drive over, let him kick me in the butt, go home, and call the whole thing even so we wouldn’t even need to go though going out for the third time. God I am so stupid. What is wrong with me anyway, when there are so many people out there and I only want one. There are so many people out there, but no one is like him. No one smiles like he does, laughs at me like he does, takes care of me, cares about me, and makes me smile just thinking about him, when I haven’t seen him in days. No one makes me so angry, so happy, so confident, so loved, like he does. So yeah, I guess there are billions of people out there, but none of them are him and that’s the only thing I want. You might say that I want it only because I know I can’t have it, but that’s not it. I know what that’s like and this isn’t like that, because I felt so perfectly happy and complete when I had it and I knew how wonderful it was then, I’m just remembering how much I miss it now...
But life goes on, and so will we both...
This was the night. Nothing happened and I didn’t even think of wanting anything to. Most of dinner we talked about our past relationships. He and his girlfriend had just broken up because he was moving to New York permanently, and I told him about mine, how I’m still in love with him and that is why I said no the first time he asked me out, and insisted that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I didn’t realize he wasn’t either until he told me he was leaving, all his friends are in New York, and he felt bad for my summer school situation, which is why he asked if I liked Sushi.
It wasn’t even a question that I wouldn’t tell someone about this dinner. I could have never mentioned it to anyone, but there was nothing to hide and I wasn’t even prepared for the hurt I would cause by telling him this. For awhile I felt so awful. I woke up with this sick feeling this morning and didn’t know how I could have made such a terrible mistake in even going out with anyone. But then I realized something. He broke up with me. I am sitting here alone at school and someone who could never amount to more than a fun dinner asked me to leave the campus and I said yes. I didn’t do anything wrong at all, and I had no intention of romantically seeing anyone or even thinking about it. And he was angry at me. So angry. I did nothing, and it made me realize how selfish he is. He let me go, and the fact that I have been clinging on for so long, driving to his house at almost 12:00 to spend the night and getting yelled at, and staying, and STILL being in love with him! Its my life not his, and the fact that I’m still holding on to him is my own fault, but I definitely do not deserve for him to be mad at me for any of this.
If he never wants to talk to me again it’s his fault, not mine, because I actually love him. I wouldn’t have even mentioned any of this if I didn’t, and I would have gone out on dates if I didn’t, and I would have moved on if I didn’t. But I do. And maybe now, with this whole situation, which is really no situation at all, if he decides he doesn’t want to be with me over this, then I did myself a favor by letting him let go of me, because I could never let go of him on my own.
As I sit in my room trying to concentrate on my next book, my mind is filled with images of only one thing. My body literally aches thinking about him. What is he doing right now, I wonder? I see him in my mind but that’s not enough. I want him to wrap his arms around me so much that it hurts to think about it, when I know that it might not ever happen again. He’s just so wonderfully perfect for me. I would give anything to lay in bed with him one more time just laughing and screaming and all of those fun things we did when we were together, and even those times when we weren’t. I don’t think there was ever a dull moment when I was with him. We made our own fun, or misery, every second we spent together. He was just so consuming. I wish he was here, I can’t stand going this long without seeing or talking to him. I keep hoping he will call but I know that he won’t especially now, after all of this, that wasn’t even anything at all. I just miss him so much that I’m going crazy with loneliness for him. So many times this week I have wanted to text him and say "ok! Lets be together, I’m willing to try it yet again, I know we can do it!". But then I think about it, and it sounds so silly. "I’m willing to try it again, because the last two times you did dump me, but I just loved the pain so much I’m coming back for more!" Or maybe I should just drive over, let him kick me in the butt, go home, and call the whole thing even so we wouldn’t even need to go though going out for the third time. God I am so stupid. What is wrong with me anyway, when there are so many people out there and I only want one. There are so many people out there, but no one is like him. No one smiles like he does, laughs at me like he does, takes care of me, cares about me, and makes me smile just thinking about him, when I haven’t seen him in days. No one makes me so angry, so happy, so confident, so loved, like he does. So yeah, I guess there are billions of people out there, but none of them are him and that’s the only thing I want. You might say that I want it only because I know I can’t have it, but that’s not it. I know what that’s like and this isn’t like that, because I felt so perfectly happy and complete when I had it and I knew how wonderful it was then, I’m just remembering how much I miss it now...
But life goes on, and so will we both...