Save me
I have never felt so sick for home...have I even been here a week? I don't know its seems to be so much longer than that. Last night was fun and confusing and interesting. But now its back to reality again today, back to feeling awkward and un-liked and sad and alone. I dont like this. I cant deal with it and I want to go home. I know rush will start soon and then things will get back to normal but living in this house is such an awkward transition for someone like me, who is use to being in control of everything. I remember this week last year when I moved in to the dorms and how happy and connected I felt right away. At first I was terrified but in mere seconds I was happy and felt so wonderful about being here. Why cant I have that feeling again? Why do I feel so down, so sad? Its just so different than how I thought it would be...just everything is wrong...and then to make things worse are all of the letters of recommendation we get each day for girls who want to join our house...each one was not only homecoming queens president of the senior class captain of the cheer squad and head of the year book committee, they also happened to maintain a 4.7 gpa while still having time to cloth starving orphans in Mexico and Africa and speak to them fluently in their own native languages. These are not your average girls...who are these people? I already dont measure up to the girls joining our house that I haven't even met yet. I already feel even more inadequate then the day before and it just keeps getting worse. Who can carrying on a stimulating conversation with such perfect people?
I wish I was exaggerating these things but the most depressing part of it is, im not. This is all true these girls are out of control amazing and who am I to even help pick them? I feel so bad about myself, how I look and act and who I am. Really im just your average simple girl, and thats usually ok, but not here, not in kappa where everything is perfection. At home I was above average but here im mediocre and all that I have accomplished pales in comparison to the long lists the new girls have sent to us. At least they can make our house better than I ever could, what have I done to help it besides get drunk and act like a perfect moron. I probably dont even do that right. Im in the computer room alone right now, if I died down here the smell would be my only revelation as my presence would undoubtedly not be missed, or even noticed. My mom sent me a package yesterday of all these herbs and relaxation remedies to help with my depression and anxiety. When I was handed the box I had to run upstairs before anyone could see my tears. As soon as I unwrapped it I burst in to tears uncontrollably. I couldn't stop, knowing what that box contained made me want to die. it held everything that reveals how i feel about living here. how embarrassing is that? and how many times have i gone into that room and shut the door and just wanted to die. there isn't a point in trying to conceal or choke back any tears once i get inside, no one would even go in there unless it was to ask to borrow something...
Usually I don't reveal things about specific people but I have to write about this one specific thing just to get it off my chest. There is this certain girl im my house who is completely OBSESSED with the sorority, overwhelmingly so to the point that its ridiculous. She is obsessed in every way but one...being sisterly to others. I try so hard to be nice to her and its no use. She knows all the facts about the house since the 1800s and she is a legacy since forever, but where is the sisterhood? She isn't even civil to me. Is there anything more ironic than being obsessed with something you are terrible at? Maybe I dont know how many sisters founded this hose or even what their names were but I always make an effort to be everything sisterly to everyone and THATS what a sorority is really about. To me she represents how false and fake a sorority can be. She is so into the rules but what about the people? Its SUCH a joke. The simple people at our restaurant were far more genuine and civil to me than she ever has been and they have every reason not to be. Its all such BULLSHIT. Literally.
Last night I saw a certain someone that I haven't seen in what seems like forever. He looked the best I have ever seen him look and we had a night typical of our personalities together. We yelled, we screamed, we cried, we laughed, we played, we were irresponsible, and for a moment i was so far away from everything. and it was wonderful when i came back to the house i immediately wanted to go back to him, right away i knew i left the right place. i came online to see if he was back and even imed one of his brothers in the hose but he wouldn't respond. depressed, i finally retreated to bed. We have both hurt eachother so much, and we tear eachother apart in the most unhealthy way imaginable but its so wonderful and miserable and confusing and I couldn't even imagine thinking of anything else when we are together whatever the circumstances may be...
And on that not...this promises to be one hell of a year...
I wish I was exaggerating these things but the most depressing part of it is, im not. This is all true these girls are out of control amazing and who am I to even help pick them? I feel so bad about myself, how I look and act and who I am. Really im just your average simple girl, and thats usually ok, but not here, not in kappa where everything is perfection. At home I was above average but here im mediocre and all that I have accomplished pales in comparison to the long lists the new girls have sent to us. At least they can make our house better than I ever could, what have I done to help it besides get drunk and act like a perfect moron. I probably dont even do that right. Im in the computer room alone right now, if I died down here the smell would be my only revelation as my presence would undoubtedly not be missed, or even noticed. My mom sent me a package yesterday of all these herbs and relaxation remedies to help with my depression and anxiety. When I was handed the box I had to run upstairs before anyone could see my tears. As soon as I unwrapped it I burst in to tears uncontrollably. I couldn't stop, knowing what that box contained made me want to die. it held everything that reveals how i feel about living here. how embarrassing is that? and how many times have i gone into that room and shut the door and just wanted to die. there isn't a point in trying to conceal or choke back any tears once i get inside, no one would even go in there unless it was to ask to borrow something...
Usually I don't reveal things about specific people but I have to write about this one specific thing just to get it off my chest. There is this certain girl im my house who is completely OBSESSED with the sorority, overwhelmingly so to the point that its ridiculous. She is obsessed in every way but one...being sisterly to others. I try so hard to be nice to her and its no use. She knows all the facts about the house since the 1800s and she is a legacy since forever, but where is the sisterhood? She isn't even civil to me. Is there anything more ironic than being obsessed with something you are terrible at? Maybe I dont know how many sisters founded this hose or even what their names were but I always make an effort to be everything sisterly to everyone and THATS what a sorority is really about. To me she represents how false and fake a sorority can be. She is so into the rules but what about the people? Its SUCH a joke. The simple people at our restaurant were far more genuine and civil to me than she ever has been and they have every reason not to be. Its all such BULLSHIT. Literally.
Last night I saw a certain someone that I haven't seen in what seems like forever. He looked the best I have ever seen him look and we had a night typical of our personalities together. We yelled, we screamed, we cried, we laughed, we played, we were irresponsible, and for a moment i was so far away from everything. and it was wonderful when i came back to the house i immediately wanted to go back to him, right away i knew i left the right place. i came online to see if he was back and even imed one of his brothers in the hose but he wouldn't respond. depressed, i finally retreated to bed. We have both hurt eachother so much, and we tear eachother apart in the most unhealthy way imaginable but its so wonderful and miserable and confusing and I couldn't even imagine thinking of anything else when we are together whatever the circumstances may be...
And on that not...this promises to be one hell of a year...