Consumed by my ANAED
I don't know what to do with how I feel right now. I finally lost the weight I wanted but I cant even enter a room without my parents yelling at me for the way I look, and I still feel fat. I weave in and out of feeling like ive gone too far and feeling like I haven't gone far enough, so I push and push and I can feel that its working in some way. I can not eat, I can have power over that, over the scale and the numbers and the way I look. It gives me control, it makes me feel safe and I finally feel beautiful again, or sick, although to me they are one in the same. My parents keep threatening no school unless I gain some weight again and since it was all I heard today I agreed to go out to eat with them. I had a tostada salad, hold the beans, cheese, guac, and sour cream. In other words it was lettuce and chicken in a taco shell, my usual. But I feel so fat now. I ate the shell when I swore that I wouldn't but all the yelling made me decide to eat it and now I cant stop thinking about how fat it made me. I actually FEEL different I SEE different and they wouldn't let me go to the gym after...I sat in my room and lifted weights for a few hours to try and burn some of it off. All the old feelings are coming back to me again, its like I never got well. Going to the gym is embarrassing again because of how I look, people stare at me like they did before. I weigh 96 lbs. STILL heavier than I once was and I cannot even imagine that. how could I have weighed less? When you see the numbers drop there isn't one perfect number you can settle with, be happy at, its all about as low as you can go and that's all that matters in the world. numbers and not eating, hip bones and skeletal hands.
I can see my knee bones again, feel no skin where there once was so much. there are all my little tests of how much weight ive lost coming back to me. testing my back fat, stomach fat, behind my knees, under my chin, behind my arms...it never ends and it never will. ive fallen in to a trap of my own making and i cant get out. when i start to see bones and feel the success of my empty stomach and bony thumbs, i know ive finally done it again. and that seems to be all that matters now because there is too much in this world that bothers me, this i can focus on, this keeps me safe and distracted and gives me control when nothing else can. i feel so fat right now, and i know that once i go so far i cant eat a normal meal without regret ever again. I must starve tomorrow all day i cannot eat. its worth it though, to me, i think. i love the way i look this way. i hate the looks i get but i feel better. before i felt so fat, so akward, so fleshy. Ive ducked out of all trips this summer because trips make you fat. no havasu, no powell, no beach, no nothing. its all about work and being alone, reading and not eating and making lists and controlling my little life. this may sound sad but its how i function. its the only way for me to be.
I get so happy when my parents say they are leaving because I know I can be alone with my special veggies and eat and not eat without being watched. Right now all I hear is that im going to in patient again and not UCLA. I tried to tell them that I will gain it all back when I do go back but they say that isn't enough. I am determined to stay this weight at school no matter what it takes. and I have figured out what it takes.
This is why I have to have an ED right now...too many other things to think about, like life for example i have an interview at Paramount tomorrow, they finally called, but i know i wont get this job. its so demoralizing going down, and feeling like an idiot because your not what they want at all. i know this will happen and i don't even want to go, im tired to death of rejection i cant take this anymore. i don't want to go, to be teased by seeing what i want so bad and cant have, by hearing myself sound so fake and feeling so stupid...and then there is this certain someone who picked last night to tell me how he feels about me...and i just cant live up to this at all...he has built me up in his mind as so much more than i actually am it makes me feel so overwhelmed. Everyone at work now calls me "the ideal girl" because that's what he says i am...but its obvious im far from that. Last night I was at work, and I stayed late to help put up all the chairs and clean the tables because there was just so much work that still needed to be done, and then he just told me. I didn't know what to do with it or what to say so i just laughed it off and said i didn't know. but everyone does and people even hate me for it, literally, something that is in no way my fault. and its hard to go into work and tell people what to do when they dislike you...and there are other things on my mind as well with someone who is far away in such a beautiful place...do i love him? do i want to? is it worth it even after all of this will it even matter? i am so confused with it all. im glad we cant see eachother for awhile, i need to be alone, and i have realized so much with all of this. i loved him and i still do, but if i let this love go on he will end it once again. maybe not now but soon, and it will hurt worse then before and i cant go through that again its just not fair.
Isn't it easier to think about food and weight and things you can control instead of all of this? its such an easy escape for me because i feel so overwhelmed right now and im breaking.
I can see my knee bones again, feel no skin where there once was so much. there are all my little tests of how much weight ive lost coming back to me. testing my back fat, stomach fat, behind my knees, under my chin, behind my arms...it never ends and it never will. ive fallen in to a trap of my own making and i cant get out. when i start to see bones and feel the success of my empty stomach and bony thumbs, i know ive finally done it again. and that seems to be all that matters now because there is too much in this world that bothers me, this i can focus on, this keeps me safe and distracted and gives me control when nothing else can. i feel so fat right now, and i know that once i go so far i cant eat a normal meal without regret ever again. I must starve tomorrow all day i cannot eat. its worth it though, to me, i think. i love the way i look this way. i hate the looks i get but i feel better. before i felt so fat, so akward, so fleshy. Ive ducked out of all trips this summer because trips make you fat. no havasu, no powell, no beach, no nothing. its all about work and being alone, reading and not eating and making lists and controlling my little life. this may sound sad but its how i function. its the only way for me to be.
I get so happy when my parents say they are leaving because I know I can be alone with my special veggies and eat and not eat without being watched. Right now all I hear is that im going to in patient again and not UCLA. I tried to tell them that I will gain it all back when I do go back but they say that isn't enough. I am determined to stay this weight at school no matter what it takes. and I have figured out what it takes.
This is why I have to have an ED right now...too many other things to think about, like life for example i have an interview at Paramount tomorrow, they finally called, but i know i wont get this job. its so demoralizing going down, and feeling like an idiot because your not what they want at all. i know this will happen and i don't even want to go, im tired to death of rejection i cant take this anymore. i don't want to go, to be teased by seeing what i want so bad and cant have, by hearing myself sound so fake and feeling so stupid...and then there is this certain someone who picked last night to tell me how he feels about me...and i just cant live up to this at all...he has built me up in his mind as so much more than i actually am it makes me feel so overwhelmed. Everyone at work now calls me "the ideal girl" because that's what he says i am...but its obvious im far from that. Last night I was at work, and I stayed late to help put up all the chairs and clean the tables because there was just so much work that still needed to be done, and then he just told me. I didn't know what to do with it or what to say so i just laughed it off and said i didn't know. but everyone does and people even hate me for it, literally, something that is in no way my fault. and its hard to go into work and tell people what to do when they dislike you...and there are other things on my mind as well with someone who is far away in such a beautiful place...do i love him? do i want to? is it worth it even after all of this will it even matter? i am so confused with it all. im glad we cant see eachother for awhile, i need to be alone, and i have realized so much with all of this. i loved him and i still do, but if i let this love go on he will end it once again. maybe not now but soon, and it will hurt worse then before and i cant go through that again its just not fair.
Isn't it easier to think about food and weight and things you can control instead of all of this? its such an easy escape for me because i feel so overwhelmed right now and im breaking.