(no subject)
his arms were around me and i wished he weren't so small and that i didn't have this past. it's just that i'm used to being thrown around. what i mean is i need more weight. we were in the booth of a bar, same side, facing each other, my chin on my knees, my arms were wrapped around my legs pulling them closer to my body, and i kept thinking about how i wanted this moment and these things with j, not him. i'm terrible. i want to be able to sit still next to someone. i want to really be there.
yesterday morning s picked me up in her car, told me to just get out of bed and come outside. we went to a cafe near my house where i threw myself on the floor onto a pile of pillows. i just lay there while she talked. i tried to give advice in the most honest way possible. i thought about how lucky i am to have her as a friend. how nice it is to get so close to someone you haven't known very long. the windows were fogged up and i traced a heart into the condensation without thinking about it. the moisture made it bleed and it dripped down to the bottom of the window and became unrecognizable by the time i left. i ordered a cookie and let s eat almost the whole thing. i ordered coffee and didn't touch it. i got home and spent the day doing nothing. i tried to work on microsoft paint, but nothing came. i kept getting calls from jail. i talked to e for less than a second and my phone stopped getting reception in the apartment. i keep wondering if she left me a voicemail but can't bring myself to sift through the thirteen i've been avoiding listening to so that i can find out. i really miss her and can't wait for her and n to arrive in chicago. i'm really making an attempt to write again; i've got to start doing something.
yesterday morning s picked me up in her car, told me to just get out of bed and come outside. we went to a cafe near my house where i threw myself on the floor onto a pile of pillows. i just lay there while she talked. i tried to give advice in the most honest way possible. i thought about how lucky i am to have her as a friend. how nice it is to get so close to someone you haven't known very long. the windows were fogged up and i traced a heart into the condensation without thinking about it. the moisture made it bleed and it dripped down to the bottom of the window and became unrecognizable by the time i left. i ordered a cookie and let s eat almost the whole thing. i ordered coffee and didn't touch it. i got home and spent the day doing nothing. i tried to work on microsoft paint, but nothing came. i kept getting calls from jail. i talked to e for less than a second and my phone stopped getting reception in the apartment. i keep wondering if she left me a voicemail but can't bring myself to sift through the thirteen i've been avoiding listening to so that i can find out. i really miss her and can't wait for her and n to arrive in chicago. i'm really making an attempt to write again; i've got to start doing something.