change is good
got in a fight with lindsey last night...but we worked everything out. it was nice to finally be able to tell her that i feel like her sidekick and that everyone likes her better. i guess its not really her fault but i was tired of holding the feelings in. she understands. she says i mean the world to her and she'll do anything for me. so i felt a little mean but it was the truth i needed to say it and we're cool now. hung out with paul for a few hours tonight. he came over and we played some video games it was good to be able to just chill with him i've missed him. so...i did some thinking and i'm going down the wrong path. i need to stop trying to get everyone to like me and stop worrying if i look cool or i'm pretty enough or whatever and i need to just be me and do things for me. for starters i need to grow a backbone and stop letting people walk all over me. let's start with the people that read this. you stupid little boy who i thought i loved please just leave me alone im not doing anything to you i haven't talked to you in a long time so stop making remarks in your journal just to see if you can get a rise out of me. idk why you do it but please stop. you do it cuz you want to know what i think? okay yes i read your journal and you know it so i think you put shit in there to get me mad cuz if i get mad then you'll see that i still care. honestly i have been over you for a long time you are obviously not even close to the person i thought you were and i think everything you ever told me was bullshit. if you truly "hate me" or whatever then just quit ok? then i need to take care of brian and stop letting him get away with being a jerk to me. i need to show him that i'm in control. i'm going to ignore him for awhile and see what happens idk if anything will but whatever we can try it. and i need to get my faith back because it is important even though i gave up for awhile i just didnt want to realize that i was headed down the wrong path. and i cant skip school anymore i need to go to all my classes and pay attention and do all of my work. seriously. this is my senior year. im growing up. i'm getting my license sometime in the next week and my dad's fixing the van for me to drive i have my first job it's time to grow up and be responsible. that means not being disrespectful to my parents and doing what i'm told. and i dont think that getting drunk is really for me. esp not the vomiting part. and i just really need to stop thinking so much and just be and just do whatever without thinking it through a million times and analyzing ever little thing. well let's see how this goes...