Dreams
My dreams have been really haunting me lately and I know it's all subconscious behavior wanting to come to the forefront, but they have been really sad for me the past couple of weeks. Dreams of friends that I used to have that were close that I screwed it up with. In my dreams it always come down to me breaking down and apologising for the things I said and did and asking for their forgiveness and then smiling back at me and accepting it letting me know that it wasn't just all my fault and that it takes two to start a fight and then I always feel better....that is till I wake up and I just sit there and cry wanting my time back with most of these people.
I know my life isn't bad and I know that alot of stuff could be worse. I just sometimes feel like everything and everyone around me is leaving me or crushing down on me and I have a tendensy to freak out and become the biggest bitch in the midwest and I know this and I'm sorry. I don't try to push my good friends away, but sometimes I don't think before I say things and it's made me regret a hella lot of things this past month.
I've come to realise that I'm becoming what I feared most and that is a hypocrite! For months I talked about how I hate crazy ass people and here I am looking at how I've hurt someone that used to be a good friend of mine all because I went crazy myself and said alot of things that I didn't mean and horribly regret. I've just been so caught up lately with people telling me that I need to get a backbone and I need to do this and I need to do that, that I've completely forgotten who I am and what I'm about. And this hurts me more then any words or any action that people could do to me.
I'm sorry I made this into a huge rant but I can't take much more and I'm hurting so bad inside that I can't stand it! I just want things to be like they were and I'd even smile at rolling out the welcome mat for everyone. There is alot of stuff I need to make right and even then I don't know if they will accept it.
Mindy
I know my life isn't bad and I know that alot of stuff could be worse. I just sometimes feel like everything and everyone around me is leaving me or crushing down on me and I have a tendensy to freak out and become the biggest bitch in the midwest and I know this and I'm sorry. I don't try to push my good friends away, but sometimes I don't think before I say things and it's made me regret a hella lot of things this past month.
I've come to realise that I'm becoming what I feared most and that is a hypocrite! For months I talked about how I hate crazy ass people and here I am looking at how I've hurt someone that used to be a good friend of mine all because I went crazy myself and said alot of things that I didn't mean and horribly regret. I've just been so caught up lately with people telling me that I need to get a backbone and I need to do this and I need to do that, that I've completely forgotten who I am and what I'm about. And this hurts me more then any words or any action that people could do to me.
I'm sorry I made this into a huge rant but I can't take much more and I'm hurting so bad inside that I can't stand it! I just want things to be like they were and I'd even smile at rolling out the welcome mat for everyone. There is alot of stuff I need to make right and even then I don't know if they will accept it.
Mindy