Nothing Lasts Forever
I don't even know where to begin this one. I have so much to say, but yet i'm drawing a huge blank.
Today started my lovely college life again. I missed it in a way, I like being able to go and walk through the quad and see new faces, people you've NEVER seen before, and its also fun to walk by the same people everyday, the ones who smile because they've seen you around campus before.
When school let out last Friday I was about the happiest person on earth, but for the LIFE of me I have NO clue what the hell I did. My week is mostly a blur. I can't recall if I did it on vacation, or even if I did it, or if I dreamt it, or I want to do it.... I do know some things though..
I know that I haven't been myself lately... I wouldn't call it a bad thing, but I wouldn't call it a good thing. I think its happening for a reason.. I feel like I need to take on a different role for each one of my friends, and I only thing I enjoy 2 of them... I find myself doing things that I want to do instead of the things I SHOULD be doing..and there are more important things in this world than my happiness.
I realized that although I wish it did, the earth DOES NOT infact revolve around me. I learned it takes exactly 2 days to get Lacey and Danny to cave in and get me what I want (because they are tired of hearing me ask) and that some of my friends are actually willing to help me beg. For that, I am blessed.
The hardest thing about my vacation was learning that I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING. I CAN'T HELP EVERYONE, I CAN'T HELP ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND I CAN'T MEND THEIR PROBLEMS. I am NOT the answer to problems.. it hurts really bad to know that, but no matter how much I try, I just can't. I want to say the right things, do the right things, fix everything and make everything wonderful, and I can't. I can't do God's work.
I know everything happens for a reason, and God has this great big plan that works out for the best, but not everyone sees it like that.. people give up hope, loose sight of that along the way. What do I do to make them see that everything IS okay? I figure the best method is just to pray for them. But when will God answer them? How much time do I have before something else goes wrong?
I enjoy knowing that even if I piss off the homosexual infront of me, my friends would have my back when he'd try to throw his flaming fists my way... it makes me... warm inside.
Ever since I was little my parents repeated a line to me.. that simply says "You can't have everything you want" But they do make that hard to believe, and if they can't give me what I want, they get me something in a high second place. They don't do it to spoil me, they do it because they love me. They do it because they want me to be happy... do material things make someone happy? Some I guess, but most of my friends need plenty of things other than a new car, or an IPOD, or a PS2... like me. I would return all of those things just to see one of my friends problems disappear. I'd give up my Dooney, I'd give up my BED which is incredible. I'd give up my computer, my shoes, my diamonds, my gold... everything... just for them to smile again. Not to show people that I'm not a bitch, and I'm not selfish (because If I didn't claim those titles, I'd be a really big liar, and we all know how much I hate those); but because I love them. I want them to know that...but how do you go about telling someone that? Especially in the world we live in now where people are shallow and 12 year olds go around telling each other they love one another. Sorry, that's bullshit. "I Love You" isn't the 3 special words people are afraid to say anymore. They aren't sacred as they use to be... there meaning is nothing more but the sound of pants unbuttoning... and you know I'm right.
I also have realized, the hard way, that what I want and what others want are two different things. And thats okay. There is obviously a reason. As a matter of fact, I know the reason, I just don't want to accept it. Will I ever? Will I ever figure out why these things are happening..over and over? Are they due to my own fault? Is this whole mess because of my foolishness. Did I get myself into this mess?
I'm afraid that when I leave for Florida my friends will change, and I'll miss everything.
What if something happens while I'm gone. What if I forget how much I love them. What if they decide they don't need me..what if everything I have built up with them goes away in those 4 months? What If I come back, and I'm completely lost?
Life can be total bullshit. But sometimes bullshit is enough for me. Sometimes people need to take the good with the bad, and just be okay with that. But that is every ones individual choice, and I can't choose for them.
I love my friends, and they need to know that. They need to know that I am here for them, and I am truly grateful for them. And when I tell them "I love You"... I don't just want to get in their undies ;). I just hope they all know that. I pray.
Today started my lovely college life again. I missed it in a way, I like being able to go and walk through the quad and see new faces, people you've NEVER seen before, and its also fun to walk by the same people everyday, the ones who smile because they've seen you around campus before.
When school let out last Friday I was about the happiest person on earth, but for the LIFE of me I have NO clue what the hell I did. My week is mostly a blur. I can't recall if I did it on vacation, or even if I did it, or if I dreamt it, or I want to do it.... I do know some things though..
I know that I haven't been myself lately... I wouldn't call it a bad thing, but I wouldn't call it a good thing. I think its happening for a reason.. I feel like I need to take on a different role for each one of my friends, and I only thing I enjoy 2 of them... I find myself doing things that I want to do instead of the things I SHOULD be doing..and there are more important things in this world than my happiness.
I realized that although I wish it did, the earth DOES NOT infact revolve around me. I learned it takes exactly 2 days to get Lacey and Danny to cave in and get me what I want (because they are tired of hearing me ask) and that some of my friends are actually willing to help me beg. For that, I am blessed.
The hardest thing about my vacation was learning that I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING. I CAN'T HELP EVERYONE, I CAN'T HELP ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND I CAN'T MEND THEIR PROBLEMS. I am NOT the answer to problems.. it hurts really bad to know that, but no matter how much I try, I just can't. I want to say the right things, do the right things, fix everything and make everything wonderful, and I can't. I can't do God's work.
I know everything happens for a reason, and God has this great big plan that works out for the best, but not everyone sees it like that.. people give up hope, loose sight of that along the way. What do I do to make them see that everything IS okay? I figure the best method is just to pray for them. But when will God answer them? How much time do I have before something else goes wrong?
I enjoy knowing that even if I piss off the homosexual infront of me, my friends would have my back when he'd try to throw his flaming fists my way... it makes me... warm inside.
Ever since I was little my parents repeated a line to me.. that simply says "You can't have everything you want" But they do make that hard to believe, and if they can't give me what I want, they get me something in a high second place. They don't do it to spoil me, they do it because they love me. They do it because they want me to be happy... do material things make someone happy? Some I guess, but most of my friends need plenty of things other than a new car, or an IPOD, or a PS2... like me. I would return all of those things just to see one of my friends problems disappear. I'd give up my Dooney, I'd give up my BED which is incredible. I'd give up my computer, my shoes, my diamonds, my gold... everything... just for them to smile again. Not to show people that I'm not a bitch, and I'm not selfish (because If I didn't claim those titles, I'd be a really big liar, and we all know how much I hate those); but because I love them. I want them to know that...but how do you go about telling someone that? Especially in the world we live in now where people are shallow and 12 year olds go around telling each other they love one another. Sorry, that's bullshit. "I Love You" isn't the 3 special words people are afraid to say anymore. They aren't sacred as they use to be... there meaning is nothing more but the sound of pants unbuttoning... and you know I'm right.
I also have realized, the hard way, that what I want and what others want are two different things. And thats okay. There is obviously a reason. As a matter of fact, I know the reason, I just don't want to accept it. Will I ever? Will I ever figure out why these things are happening..over and over? Are they due to my own fault? Is this whole mess because of my foolishness. Did I get myself into this mess?
I'm afraid that when I leave for Florida my friends will change, and I'll miss everything.
What if something happens while I'm gone. What if I forget how much I love them. What if they decide they don't need me..what if everything I have built up with them goes away in those 4 months? What If I come back, and I'm completely lost?
Life can be total bullshit. But sometimes bullshit is enough for me. Sometimes people need to take the good with the bad, and just be okay with that. But that is every ones individual choice, and I can't choose for them.
I love my friends, and they need to know that. They need to know that I am here for them, and I am truly grateful for them. And when I tell them "I love You"... I don't just want to get in their undies ;). I just hope they all know that. I pray.